forgiveness

so ive been on forgiveness lately. forgiving myself. forgiving God. forgiving others. in that order.

 

because im hardest on myself, i fault myself for a lot of things. and i have to truly forgive myself to recognize my true worth.

 

i have to admit that im mad at God [which ive done] and i have to admit when im mad at other people, even if my logic says im not mad at them anymore. my feelings may say differently. logically i know that i shouldnt be mad at God. logically i know things some ppl do arent on purpose...but that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt and im not harboring feelings. its about being honest.

 

one of my sisters who is the founder of a production company is working on a project. and she reached out to me about some things. recently i got an email from her asking my thoughts on forgiveness. which was another push from God telling me that i needed to work on this area in my life. so i thought on it for some days and finally responded:

 

"I think that forgiveness is an everyday thing. I read something the other day that said "Until we are mature enough to understand that God uses everything for good in our lives, we harbor resentment for things we would change if we were God. The antidote is to realize that God always acts in our best interest, even when it is painful and you don't understand it. But releasing your resentment and revealing your feelings are the first steps to healing."

I honestly don't understand why things happened the way they did. And when I think about what happened or if I happen to run into someone connected, I can feel those same emotions I had during that time welling up. It's not as strong, but it's like a dull ache. Like when it's about to rain and old people's joints act up, an old injury that is healed but aches sometimes. I don't feel resentment, but I still feel something. As I come to terms with my feelings about what happened (not necessarily come to terms with what happened, I don't know if that will ever happen), I release feelings I didn't even know I held onto. Something bad happened to me and I don't understand it. Even though it still hurts, I can see that God is still with me.

The people responsible for this were human, just like me. I've hurt a lot of people as well; maybe not like this, or this deep, but hurt is hurt. I don't know what those people were subjected to to make them do the things they did. So I don't hate them. I don't want to be around them, but I don't hate them anymore. I don't hate me anymore. But when the memory comes up, I have to forgive all over again. It's a conscious, active decision."