in the book rick warren says to read one short chapter a day so you can really understand and apply what you read. however, i was finding that i need to meditate on things more than a day. sometimes i read only a few paragraphs...
and this is where i am now, ive been sitting on this one paragraph for many days now, because i feel i have to deal with it before moving on. i cant move on, bc everytime i open the book i think about this passage:
"Genuine friendship is built on disclosure. What may appear as audacity God views as authenticity...It is likely that you need to confess some hidden anger and resent at God for certain areas of your life where you have felt cheated or disappointed. Until we mature enough to understand that God uses everything for good in our lives, we harbor resentment toward God over our appearance, background, unanswered prayers, past hurts, and other things we would change if we were God...bitterness is the greatest barrier to friendship with God: Why would I want to be God's friend if He allowed this? The antidote, of course, is to realize that God always acts in your best interest, even when it is painful and you don't understand it. But releasing your resentment and revealing your feeling is the first step to healing."
its so much in there that stuck out to me. the fact that i may never understand why certain things happened to me bugs me! sometimes i wonder like, God, could you have allowed something less painful to happen to me that would have taught me the same lesson? things that i would change if i was God...[smh. why do we want to be God so much tho?]
and i realized that deep inside me, no matter if i loved God and truly wanted to be close to Him [which i do], i couldnt. because i didnt fully trust Him. "why would i want to be God's friend if He allowed this?" i did think that! and i was no longer denying it.
it took me all those days to pour out my feelings to God. its true that healing cant happen until you release the feelings. and its not like those feelings magically disappear [lol they dont]. or all of a sudden you now know why things happened [i wish]. but [for me at least] it took so much off of my heart and i was totally vulnerable. and totally open to God.
and something happened. it was very subtle. it was a soul altering change really. my perspective on things changed. life is really about perspective and how you view things. thats why paul said he could be content in any circumstance. thats why people can say they live their lives for God yet not be pastors. its your perspective and how/why you do what you do. its about how i see my situation and how i handle my situation.
i still dont understand a lot of things. but im more secure in knowing that its ok, and trusting God with everything.
friends share secrets. God wants to share His secrets to us...moses said to God "if im so special to you, let me in on your plans!" and God did. but they were close friends and you cant just expect someone to share all with you when youre not close. and the closer we draw to Him the closer He brings His kingdom to our side [as my dean says].
and that truly is amazing.
im ready to move on.
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