my heart

the other day [lol my tre gets on to me for sayin this phrase wen "the other day" to me could mean months ago] i was riding the bus downtown to get a new phone. i sat down, with my earphones on, with an open book [both precautions, signs that should have said DONT TALK TO ME] next to a nice looking young man who looked about 18 or thereabouts. i was enjoyin my fred hammond when he spoke to me.

my first inclination was to sigh, but i restrained myself. he asked me where i was from, a question im used to hearing [apparently i dont look like im regular black, which i am. i look like i come from another country...which im kinda sure (lol) some of my ancestors did, just very very long ago.] this blossomed into a conversation about travel, and i guess from some of the things i was saying he realized that i was older than he thought.

of course. bc i look like a 15 year old. which wen im 40 ill appreciate because by then ill look like im in my late twenties. [but right now i just would like to wear my khakis and not look like a middleschooler.]

anyways, off the rant. the boy went to howard, was a freshman, and was thoroughly shocked that i was older than him. it was a nice convo that had me thinkin all day.

not really about the convo but about his reaction.

see, i know i look young, which is a reason i think imma be old(er) before i get a husband. the kind of man i want/need prob wouldnt wanna talk to me bc he would think im jailbait. then i started thinkin of all the reasons that i dont have a man right now and why i think i wont for a while.

1. i shut down everyone. i dont like to be approached in that way. romantically. not by strangers. not by friends either really. why not by friends you ask? bc....

2. i dont really have a lot of male friends. not closeclose ones that would be potential. actually, i would say 98% of my male friends/acquaintances are in ANQ.

3. i look like a baby. middle aged men approach me bc they are pedophiles, and teenagers approach me bc they think im their age.

4. for some reason i only attract hood niccas. and i really dont like them...they make me wanna roll my eyes, question their manhood, use big words to demean them...or i attract immature guys who always need advice from me [eye roll]. i just want a calm, uber silly, wise, mature, "nice" [preferably nerdy] guy.

the list goes on. then i thought, why am i doin this to myself? im just reaffirming to myself things that will only get me down...but then i realized that i had to evaluate myself, lay it all down, so i can work on it.

i heard one of my line sisters say the other day that she didnt want to be in a relationship bc when she thought about men her heart just locked up. i dont feel that im that way, bc when i think about men/love/relationships, my heart overflows...

ive already established that i feel hard/deeply. i love hard too. and i want to give my everything to someone, its like a burning desire in me. but it seems i have this mental wall up, bc altho i love ppl hard, its hard for me to trust them. and thats bc of my past i kno....but unless i have a feeling of instant trust when i meet you, its gonna take years for me to build a simple trust.

and i need a deep trust for a intimate relationship [romantic or otherwise]. which is why i shut down men. i feel like most of the men i know who approach me [that are my friends, im not gonna start anything with someone off the street that asks for or gives me their number] dont know me. they arent really friends [bc my friends wouldnt approach me, bc they know how i am...they would just go about their business and keep gettin to know me, pray, and wait for the right time], they are acquaintances who say that they like me romantically and wanna be my man. but....if i feel like you dont know me, im going to say no. how u wanna be my man and u dont KNOW me?

so i say, well, we dont know each other. lets keep bein friends and see what happens. and what usually (99%) happens is that a few months later they have a girlfriend.

so i guess, the only kind of relationship i wouldnt shut down if they asked to take it to the next level is if the man is one of my best friends. we have a solid friendship, others probably think we are already dating or should be bc we talk frequently about everything, hang out a lot...and it kinda just happens, evolves til its unavoidable lol.

i need to know that u know some of my secrets and still like who i am. i need to know that you see me at my weak points and still think im strong. i need to know that when i hurt you, wen we hurt each other, youll still care about me. i need to know that you know me, my personality, my heart, my mind, my interests, my intelligence, my emotions, my faults, my issues, my mistakes, my past----you see ME and yet you want me still.

bc i cant say "yes im your girl" to someone who i havent shared certain things with. i cant say that to someone who doesnt know enough about me. bc im scared that youll find out something in a few weeks that you cant live with.

yeah, thats pretty much it. im scarred & im scared, so i think thats why i think about this so extensively. but as with all my issues, im prayin on it and workin thru it....

so lets be friends. when we get to a certain point that one of us needs to stop, thats the level of our friendship. and when we discover that we never want to stop, then we will continue to grow together, change and learn about each other over and over again, forever.

my heart is too fragile, too precious, and too big to pass around.