lonely, but never alone

i learned a lot about myself this week.

i am less alone than i sometimes think i am. but i am more alone than i realized.

[dont worry if you dont get it.]

its unreal, my contradictory nature. im a walking oxymoron; an ambivalent, complex thing. i wish i wasnt. i wish i was always sure of my footing. i wish i always said what i wanted, how i wanted, when i wanted. did what i needed, when it needed to be done, how it needed to be done. but im not, and i dont.

one thing i am now very confident about - i understand where and how i fit in certain places. i may not like it, but at least i know. it's easier to react when you know. it's easier to plan when you know.

it's easier to fix the file boxes of people, events, issues, and situations when i know.

what i also know is this: i can allow or not allow certain things in my life; for those things i cannot control, i can control how i react.

i am intelligent, strong, and beautiful. and God is closer to me than the vein in my neck.
i am precious, like a pearl laying by itself inside an oyster.
i am lonely, yet never alone.

new year...

on my new year (my birthday) i made some new year's "resolutions." of course, being me, it was more like an update to my one, five, and ten year plans...

but one interesting thing i did resolve to do was to start dating. casually. **gasp**

i'd never really done this before. even in high school, i went out with my boyfriend, not random guys...and my boyfriend and i didnt go on dates before we became exclusive. weird, i know. but i have this serious mindset, and i cant just date for fun...my mind seems to constantly evaluate whether i could like with this, or that, with all that makes up YOU, for the rest of my life. thats simply because i want to be with one person, and one person only. but something happened, and even though i still want that one person, i can go out and have fun and not feel the urge to make a big speech declaring my feelings (or lack thereof).

so i've been dating. more than one guy. and it's so INTERESTING, to say the least. i've learned some very interesting things about how different men are from each other, how men are alike, how emotional they can be - but most importantly, i've learned so much about ME.

things i thought i would like, i dont. some things i thought i would hate, i dont. my reactions to certain situations are so far from what i would have predicted. i no longer have this silhouette of the man i need/want. i think i'll stop trying to figure him out and just let him jump out and scare me.

i've also realized that people's ideas of Christianity are sooooo diverse. i may be changing a few people's idea of what a passionate Christian woman looks like....and that's fine with me.