today

today was not a good day.

nothing happened really. i just wasnt feeling it. like, it was raining and for some reason rain usually makes me feel better. but not today. and since i wasnt feeling good mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, i also had physical symptoms. thats what usually happens to me.

and i wanted to just sleep. my line sister told me not to sleep the day away. but that was clearly my intention. if i slept the day away i wouldnt have to face it. i also didnt feel like answering phone calls. fact was, i wanted to be around ppl but i didnt want them to talk. i wanted to be touched, but not by just any random body.

i wasnt really happy. but wasnt really sad. i was just there. i didnt know what was wrong with me, and really, i didnt wanna find out. i could tell i was on the edge of some kinda emotions, whether it be severe irritation, sadness, or contentment. when i tried to go deeper to see what was really the matter, my eyes started burning and my heart started hurting. so i just moved back into a state where i could get things done to an extent, but i didnt wanna see or talk to people who just had to talk and ask what was wrong. the fact was, everything was wrong and it just frustrated me to try to explain it when i didnt understand myself!

then these frickin doves. yall kno i love you. but i did not want to talk to anyone, and these doves just invited themselves to my house for family prayer.

they dont know how much i needed them.
even tho i clearly didnt feel like talkin bout myself or the state i was in, just having them there and concerned did so much for my mood and my feelings. and i thank RHAE especially for sitting so close to me and allowing me to put myself all over her lol. it helped so much.

 i was complaining/rejoicing to my road dog how they came and invaded my privacy, and RD laughed and said "they love u. thats how families do. they dont leave u alone even when you wanna be alone lol."

so true. and im annoyed and glad for it.
wish my emotions werent so ambivalent.

when i start to pray, i feel myself breaking down and almost collapse within myself. i kno the tears and shortness of breath and racing thoughts are going to come, either all of these things or some. and im just so weary, i want to put it off as long as i can. how long can i last doing this every night?
it cant be healthy or sane.

im happy for those ppl who are always there. who i can call/text/message and they always answer even if i dont. for those i do always answer to, who i have no choice i am just compelled to answer them no matter what. to those who love me in spite of this craziness. and even if you dont understand what im going thru, for those who try their best to understand and who pray.

i seriously want to be held, totally enveloped in someones arms who is bigger than me. idk when that is gonna happen tho. im just gonna havta deal with being alone, or at least feeling alone and unprotected.

later note: i notice that i refrain from using names or real names in this blog. hmm. idk why i do that. i just do. maybe because i dont want ppl to be jealous. but also i want those who i mention to know who they are. i dont think any of my friends would be jealous per se, but i dont want them to feel any negative emotion on my account, like they cant measure up to a certain person when that is not the case. some ppl, well, just attract me more i guess. thats the case with everyone. and altho some ppl understand that, others would just feel some kinda way that maybe im not as close to them as they feel to me??? idk. thats something to investigate another time.

the backstory

so i know how some of my people are. you aint gonna go back and read something. so i decided that the testimony i shared on ANQ's blog, ill share on here, word for word. because a lot of it is why im dealing with these issues right now. all of it helped shape me into this woman.

i have a lot more to say. a lot happened this weekend. but for some reason, i am so tired. not sleepy, just tired. i dont feel like browsing thru my feelings to sort them out. so imma just post this and maybe rest for a few days before i share anymore.

So I grew up as an Army brat, and sometime when i was young, things started changing. My love languages, FYI, are physical touch and words of affirmation, a kinda bad combination for lots of reasons imma discuss. The first reason is because for some reason, my daddy decided to start drinking and abusing his family....physically and emotionally. I'm a pretty protective girl, and so I did a lot to make sure he didn't mess with my little sisters. My older brother learned to hold his own, but he didn't do too much to my older brother and sister because they weren't his biological children, and they would tell their daddies. The bad thing was, I was a daddy's girl, so my daddy telling me I was ugly, stupid, nothing but a whore and a bitch kinda stuck in my head...I believed it for a long time. That, and the time he spit on me, hurt more than any time he hit me.

My life went from being moved around suburban neighborhoods and having enough to pretty hard. We moved back to my mother’s hometown in Louisiana to be near her father. It was a small town in the country. Because my daddy was drinking all the money up, my mama had to work her tail off . I know she did the best she could for us, but I know what is like to be teased for being poor—not wearing the fashionable clothes,the girls on the cheerleading squard whispering “How can she pay for camp when their lights have been turned off?” I went from being a happy child to kind of silent. I would read and not say much else at this period of my life.

As I grew up, and all the other girls got all cute, I pretty much stayed skinny, dark-skinned, and weird-looking. I had a very visible skin condition and had to take medicine ALL the time. I hated being sick. I liked boys, not being hot, but I just preferred boys over girls because I was closer to my brother--boys did cooler stuff, and they didn't make fun of me as much. However, as I got in junior high, I kinda got tired of being every guys friend, the girl who hooked everybody up, and who was still a virgin. Around this time, my favorite cousin started making these very clear advances towards me...we never had sex. Actually, it started when I was pretty young, he was a little over a year older than me, I was about 10 when it started I think. It didn't end til I was around 15 or 16. He used to kiss me and touch me, and make me give him head...Beginning of my 9th grade year, first day of school, I took a ride with this dude, Jewel. He was round 20, my friend Chandris used to mess around with him and told me to check him out lol. We rode out to this field and had sex for like 5 min....it was nothing. It didn't hurt, when we started I thought, am I supposed to feel something? Never talked to him again. Didn't want to have sex again. But then, hanging outside one day, I was over one of my cousins house, went to the bathroom. When I came out, one of them kind of pushed me in the back room and asked for some head. Then some of my other cousins stood in the doorway, I thought they were gonna help me, but instead they took turns. Some months after that, I was hanging with my best friend at the time and we snuck out to her boyfriend's house. While there, her boyfriend's friend raped me. I called my mama to pick me up the next morning, but never told her anything.

After that, I discovered that I could use sex as a tool to control men, and at the same time feel wanted. I knew I couldn't trust no man but my brother, any other man that was close to me betrayed me. But at least if I had sex with them, I knew I could get summin I wanted/needed, and I felt pretty for a little while. I grew loud and outspoken. I would pop off at the mouth to anyone; and I was (and still am) a very intelligent, witty individual. With all the the things I’d gone through, believe me I knew what to say to hurt you. I had boyfriends, I had maybe 2 that I really cared about, but I always cheated on them. All the time. Sometimes I wonder if  I messed it up on purpose because it was too good.

My junior and senior years of high school I attended the Louisiana School for Math, Science, and the Arts, located on the campus of Northwestern State University. Being away from home just enhanced all the emotions and attitudes I came to adopt. I learned how to fill my viods with people. Although I had been raised in the church (I distinctly remember attending a COGIC church and a Baptist church, and my father’s mother was a CME preacher) and could spit more scriptures and Christian cliches than the more “saved” of my friends, this was a time that I actually started seeking God for myself, albeit slowly. Even when I was small, people would always say I had an anointing and ask me to pray for them. Even now to this day this happens; people who would’t know I’m  a Christian ask me to pray for them. “Your prayers really work.” If they don’t ask me to pray for them, they tell me how my presence is just so wonderful (which is why I am the CORE Elixir, but that is another story lol) This was also a time when I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. Let me just say that was not a good time in my life, and it was a secret for a long time. I’m going to leave it at that. I also experimented with girls then. I had a rule: girls were for fun, men were for relationships, and if you had a threesome with someone you couldn’t start dating them.

Anyways, throughout high school and most of my first year of college I was mad promiscuous. I've had somewhere around 40 sexual partners...men I've had actual vaginal sex with. Don't know how much I have had just sexual contact with. I struggled with porn and masturbation for the longest...especially after I rededicated my life. That’s a trip isn’t it?

The end of my first semester of my freshman year at Howard, I was tired. Tired of not trusting people, tired of all the men, tired of being alone, tired of getting into deep depressions. I attended ANQ Bible study on the regular and it was at one of these Bible studies that I just broke down. Two of the members (Brittany Bibb and Brann Poe) prayed over me. And that night I really gave my life to Christ and decided I was going to live for Him. It was not easy, however. I had some attitudes and such that hadn’t been renewed yet; my mind hadn’t been renewed. I could still pop off when I got really upset, although by nature it takes a lot to make me mad like that. And I was addicted to porn and masturbation, I used to do it at least 3x a week. I didn't know how to deal with how I was used to getting my high, I guess, so it was hard for me to break loose from that. 

So let us fast forward. I haven’t masturbated or watched porn for a good while. My mind is renewed on that and many other things. I really am living one day at a time, addressing things as they come, and living for my God.

Then, I attend Campus Harvest in Durham last spring. It was incredible. Saturday, during the concert, when they asked who wanted to be water baptised, I didn't think I should. I remember something (the Holy Spirit of course!) telling me to go up there, and me arguing back saying, I have already been baptised. Then, when they asked to be baptised in the Holy Spirit, I remembered raising my hand. The thing is, I never really heard about being "baptised" in the Holy Spirit. I know about being filled in the Holy Spirit. After I was saved, I realized the difference between salvation and sanctification. Salvation is when you confess your sins, believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and bam! You are saved! Because He died to save us. But sanctification is the process of actually living for God, knowing what is right and walking in Him. You can be saved and not sanctified. I thought that the process of sanctification and being led/filled with the Holy Spirit was the same thing. I truthfully believe that before Saturday, there were times when I could hear the Holy Spirit, where I let it lead me, where I felt Its Presence. And of course I had. But had I been totally immersed in it (which is what baptism means, all of yall)? I wasn't really letting it govern my life totally, I had to admit. I hadn't been baptized in it. One of the Saturday sessions I went to was "ministering in the gifts of the Holy Spirit," and it was no accident because that was when I first heard this phrase of Holy Spirit baptism. I could remember being really young and wanting to feel/have this thing that they were explaining in this session, and not even knowing what it was! So back to the concert, I raised my hand, and the woman prayed over us. As she prayed I prayed with her. The concert resumed but I kept praying. Then I heard, or felt, that I should kneel, and I remember not wanting to. I refused to. Then this pressure came on me and I had to kneel, I just had to. I kept praying and I just felt this presence, this pressure. Then as I started praying out loud, I knew the words I was saying (in my head and that should be coming out), but thats not what I heard coming out. Then I shut up. I mean, my mouth kept going and words kept coming out but my mind shut up and God just started speaking to me. Telling me who I was in Him, what He wants me to do right now in my life, and just healing me. I couldn't help but cry because it hurt--well, not really hurt but it was so so so overwhelming. But He knew I needed it. I was overwhelmed yet overflowing.

I thought I had gotten healed from all of these things, the guilt, the pain, everything, that I was good. I realize though, although the guilt has finally finally actually gone, the pain is still there. I realize it when I can't trust people. When I'm wary of anyone wanting to do summin for me. When I don't really be open to women and men alike. When I ignore my father's phone calls. Especially when I think of my wedding and I know that I don't want him to walk me down the aisle. When I had an emotional breakdown, withdrew from school, and started counseling (where I was diagnosed with depression, go figure). So it’s still an ongoing process. I’m still renewing my mind and heart. A lot of people who know me will be shocked to hear all this about me, but I believe it will touch someone. I also believe that, as in Phillipians 1:6, “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” I won’t be complete until I am formed in His image. Sanctification and holiness is a process; we are slowly being made like Him and until then I am not complete. I am, however, holy, because I am His precious daughter and my past just reaffirms that truth.

This is actually a brief, not too deep, testimony. I didn't mention things about emotions, major illnesses, family issues, college financial issues, etc on here. It's too much to say. But if you want to talk more, feel free to contact me. I love you all.

hold me. . .

so last night i really went in. like really.

long night short, it ending with me in bed, crying so hard that this morning i woke up sick [i was already nursing a cold before, but i woke up eyes swollen, nose stopped up, sneezing, coughing, sore throat, aching limbs, headache]. crying so hard i didnt make sounds even tho i was screaming. crying so hard that my heart heart. curled up around a pillow, covered in a blanket, fetal position to stop the ache of lonely in my belly, the coldness at my back, and that weird dropping sensation in my heart.

for a long time i struggled like this, just wrestling, my spirit praying, my mind screaming, and my body clenching. i wanted so much that i did not have. i tried so hard to only fail. i hear Gods voice and try to follow the vision only for it to never materialize [yet].

and i was so tired. so much had happened yesterday yall, it was too much. i said at the end of this episode

well God, if you wanted me broken, here i am. pick up the pieces. if you wanted me alone to break me, you got it. since you made me, you know my personality. you knew i would isolate myself. im done. i dont care anymore. so if you wanted me broken, here i am.

fell asleep.

woke up early bone tired but somehow refreshed. plus God answered a simple prayer, well a couple of simple prayers for me immediately, maybe to build me up some from last night, give me a sense of calm and security for the day.

a simple touch that is the right touch, the appropriate touch, can do so much.

disclaimer

[whew, twice in one day! i hope im not getting hooked to this.]

i noticed that these entries seem a little sad to me. i want everyone to know that this isnt a sad blog. its deanna's blog to release her extra thoughts.

i know some people thought, when they heard i was doing a blog, that it would be just great! it would be crazy. ditzy. silly. inspirational. uplifting. something like they imagine me to be.

fact is, i think sad thoughts a lot more than i let on. sad, angry, upset, pissed off, irritated, annoyed, defeated thoughts come across my mind more than i let be seen.

[usually. lately tho, they havent been able to stay in. probably because i keep my feelings that i deem "bad" bottled up. bc i dont need to feel sorry for myself or i need to man up. but i guess the bottle has a limit. and i have reached it. because now when i get feelings, they just spill over the lid. i try to keep them contained so they spew out only to things. but occasionally they spill out toward people, warranted or unwarranted (meaning if you deserved it or not). thats why i put them in the bottle in the first place! my plan has backfired!]

it seems that i release all the positive feelings and such and share them with everyone, but keep the "bad" ones inside so they only bother me. this blog is merely an outlet for my thoughts, feelings, ideas. and well, right now, the extra stuff happens to be kinda sad for a lot of reasons.

i want to be funny, inspirational, informative, uplifting. i want people to glean from my teachings. i want to fill peoples spirits with my overflow from my anointing. i want to be a light.

but for right now, this is what you get.

btw, my record is still 2. and 1/2. for today. hey, at least im not going backward! but my road dog did email me this quote that made my night when i finally got home:

 It’s said that when Spanish composer-cellist Pablo Casals was in the final years of his life, a young reporter asked him, “Mr. Casals, you are ninety-five years old and the greatest cellist that ever lived. Why do you still practice six hours a day?” What was Casals answer? “Because I think I’m making progress.” That’s the kind of dedication to continual growth that you should have. The people who reach their potential think in terms of improvement.

it made me realize, this journey is not over and as long as im progressing, i just get greater. thanks.

LATER NOTE: so i just cried again. . .sigh. maybe its close enough to tomorrow to count that for tomorrow hmmm?

perceptions

i honestly dont care what people think of me.

well, listen. i am very conscious of those who look up to me, that i am an example to. i wish to live my life righteously although i am not righteous at all, but thru Christ i am everything. so i try to keep Him the focus and i try to not be a hypocrite.

but otherwise, if you know me, i do not care what others think.

whether its how i look [fly wit my heels or crazy with my heels (in the snow/ice) or just crazy in snow boots, long socks, shorts, and a pullover with no bra; different style every day, changing my hair every week, purple or gray contacts] or what i do [because i will dance in the library and twirl in the street] or what i say [im not gonna mention how my words get twisted on twitter lol] but i just dont care because im me.

however, sometimes i need to care. i need to listen.
i hear what people say about me.
they call me intelligent, smart [2 different things], confident, virtuous, sexy, creative, strong, passionate, and gorgeous.

so when will i look in the mirror, and start caring enough to believe what they say?

i think im all of those things sometimes. when the light hits me a certain way, or im in a certain mood, or just got this revelation from God. sometimes im that woman who has it going on.

the rest of the time, i look in the mirror and see skinny, loser, extra deanna whos so indecisive she cant even decide whether or not she is all of those things that people call her.

i know all the scriptures boo, that you can give me on self esteem. fact is, i know i am all of these things. some ppl may even say that my esteem is too high. i just dont see them enough to please me.

when will I be enough for me? until then, ill never be enough for anyone else.

2. and 1/2.

it's official. i am now officially totally withdrawn from howard university for the semester.

FOR THE SEMESTER. ill be bak in the fall.

i have to keep reminding myself of that. because i cried twice and almost had a panic attack today.

well, i mean, it was an eventful day. my road dog told me today "pick 3 things you want to get accomplished. and do them. just those three things"

of course me being me, i did more than those 3 things. but the point is, at the beginning of the day i had my minor list of things to do and as i was walking to campus, i broke down. [yall dont wanna see my breakdowns. they involve me spewing the many thoughts i have and since i have so much brain waves they are a lot of intertwined thoughts, along with screaming, crying, and thought cussing] and my RD told me to do the 3 things. and i had something to come back to all day. i was grounded.

and i feel accomplished because i did those 3 things.
normally i would feel defeated because i didnt accomplish everything on the list. but because of this advice, i wasnt. thank you.

because on my minor list [let me explain. i have a master list of things i want to get done. period. whether its the week, the year, the month, its things i want to get done. and i have minor lists that give dates these things should be done by. todays minor list stated that the about 12 things on the list is what i wanted to accomplish that day and if i didnt do that, then i pretty much had failed at life] anyways. on my minor list everything was not crossed off. on my master list even less is crossed off.

but i did those 3 things. and i only cried 2x. and had 1/2 a breakdown. i think i did well today.

LATER SIDENOTE: you know, today was stressful, for a lot of people. and really, if you are close to me and your day is stressful, then im stressful. plus my twin (lowercase, that is, my biological sister twin and not my line sister Twin) told me some not so good news about her health and family just stresses me in general. plus i had to deal with finances today, which if you know, when you aint got no money, can be stressful. then the people from the DC rape crisis center called me to schedule my weekly appointments. [maybe next time ill talk about the differences between intake at the howard counseling center and at this center lol. btw, howard has NOT called me yet to schedule appointments altho i went there a full week before i went to dcrcc.]

at times i had to switch back into the deanna where everything is fine and i swept stuff in my corner. because i dont do public breakdowns [actually. i did a very public breakdown in the student services office the day that i got the total withdrawal forms. the admin assistant ms. king had to hold me up. i was like snotting, crying, couldnt breathe. it was bad. good thing nobody in CEACS actually goes there, at least not when im there]
anyways. i swept that stuff off to the side. its still there now. i see it looming, dust mites swirling out the corner of my eye as i sit here in the health science library. 


but it won't stay there. my road dog said i should debrief when i get home. and thats a good idea. i shouldnt just bawl all out on the streets, thats how you get snatched up. i should deal with it best i can, try to vent to trusted ppl throughout the day. then debrief. maybe the sob-fest im bout to have when i get back home will put me to sleep. i hope so. because i havent been sleeping at all these days. =(

the beginnings

i realize that although i love honesty, im not the most honest person. although i love transparency, im not the most transparent person.

and that is because i leave things out. if you dont ask me specifically, i will give you an answer that is only as deep as you asked. how are u is surface. "im fine" although the deeper (not deepest, just more specific) answer would be "im fine at this present moment because when you walked up i hid all my feelings and since im in public i have to control myself so im not gonna break down so of course this morning i pushed it all to the side so i wouldnt show how im really feeling. thanks for asking."

i mean, if you are more specific, i am. and otherwise, i am honest and transparent, very much open people tell me. im only like this, well, when it comes to me. and my life. and anything that i deem as personal (the stuff when you ask me about, my heart tumbles to the floor. yeah all that stuff).

unless its been a time where the holy spirit was weighing so heavily on me that i had no choice to speak, i do not talk about me, myself, and i, nor my feelings, my past, my beliefs.

why is that? well, maybe because i dont trust anyone. i dont. you think i trust you, but i dont. there is only one person in this world that i trust fully with everything and will say any and everything to. and many will be surprised at who that is... but even with [that person], i dont say everything for fear of loading [said person] with too much because i know that i tell [them] a lot. people are not a receptacle.

yet i make myself one, for other people. and then i dump their stuff out before the Throne. yet i sweep my stuff over to the side of the room, pretend it isnt there because really, i have a lot to do gotta keep it moving no time feeling sorry for me im the strong one just push through it and anyways, i should be able to deal with it right? when i put it before the Throne, it just hurts me again and again, so ill just push it over there in the corner.

but then, i looked up and all of a sudden, the things i had been handling i couldnt handle anymore. i thought i was ok, but it was huge, drowning me, i couldnt breathe. too much.

and now, no matter how it hurts, i have to go through my stuff, separate the trash from the gems. the used from the new lessons. the memorabilia, the heirlooms, from the junk. recognize what should be given away to those who need it more.

man. its hurts. and i probably wont be able to put it all here. but for SOME (not all) of the backstory, go to www.anqlambda.blogspot.com and check out my post from december (its called something like NuLife: I was an everything).

and after that, well, i guess youre caught up. or as caught up as much as i can stand (i was insane for writing that post. i want to take it down but the reality is i cant lol. if i could i would. i must have been in a trance bc in my right mind i would have never confessed so much.)

times are rough. and actually, im hurting now. but im not ready to talk about that now. this is all i can muster up to write. this month, my devotionals are on the disciplines of humility & submission and the fruit of the spirit joy. shoutout to my little bird for her devotion on psalm 143:8, along with a previous one she sent me. they are helping me to talk to God honestly again.


“Cause me to hear your loving kindness in the morning, for in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to you.”