sometimes, i really dislike the way i am. something has got to break.
i give give give. i dont think people realize how much i give. i dont do anything without giving at least 100% on it; if I feel like im giving less then i push myself to do more or take myself out. this applies to relationships, tasks, hobbies....anything.
but i cant keep up with myself. i dont like how sometimes, my opinions are so different that i just keep my mouth shut instead of taking the risk of being misunderstood. i dont like how i always feel like im giving more than others. i dont like how i cant keep a normal job; how im "so good at everything" yet cant pay bills because instead of charging the going rate for my "everything," i do it for free/mad cheap because i cant help but deliver when people ask. i dont like how people make me feel like im not doing enough because i dont have a degree, because i dont have a man, because i dont have a job. i dont like how i never feel like im doing enough either. i dont like that i will tuck away my personal safety, goals, well-being, etc in order to ensure that someone else HAS, even if i know they wouldnt do the same for me. i dont like how i just want to spill myself out to a living, breathing person who gets it and wont make me feel guilty for saying that although God is the ultimate confidant, sometimes i just want to SEE the person in front of me. i dont like how i cant spill it out, because im scared to trust. i dont like how i have to say "no, it's not about a man; maybe my life is deeper than that, you think?" i dont like how it seems like the face & small body radiates that i dont know struggle, and so i have to contain my struggle so as to not shock the people on how imperfect i am. i dont like how im still hurt, when apparently im supposed to be fine by now. i dont like how people admire me, compliment me, demand more of me, yet fail to see that im breaking...
i dont like that im so much more vulnerable than anyone knows.
something has got to break.
and it cant be me.
but my heart will break as i say no. my heart will break as i give less and take more. my heart will break as i step back. my heart will break as i keep my thoughts hidden, my emotions secret, my mysteries close to me. my heart breaks as i write this and think about the rest of this year and how hard it's going to be.
but ive got to stop doing it all...
i reread a post i wrote long ago, and realized i have to do this again. sort thru & evaluate my life.
if only there was a way for me to do all i want, and still remain whole.
but there isnt, so i cry to keep myself from shattering.
