but why cant i be lonely? i think that ppl confuse the concept of loneliness with being alone.
im the type of person where i want to share everything, every part of me, with someone. i like sharing. and its cool that i have ppl in my life that i can share stuff with. but the bottom line is that i have this deep need to share EVERYTHING with one person.
one person who i trust fully and i feel ok with unburdening myself on them. with whom i can share ALL aspects of my personality, my spirit, my soul, my heart, mind, feelings, emotions, body, thoughts. do you understand?
and im not saying God isnt enough. as a matter of fact, God is more than enough. He is the only person who knows me better than me, who knows me entirely. the only person who is always there.
but let's face it, in no way is God going to have sex with me.
im just bein real ppl. no blasphemy so stop gasping.
maybe i should have said "God isnt gonna yell down to me." or "God wont bite my cheek to make me laugh." [lol then i wouldnt be me, now would i?]
im just saying that i want a human person in my life who i can share everything with. not leadin & guiding me like God. not taking God's place. but a person i can feel their breath as i tell them how i feel. who can be confused with me when we discuss the complexities of the universe. and who can just hold me when i need to be comforted.
but for some reason, as a Christian single woman, im not supposed to admit to being lonely all the time. loneliness is not ok...and i dont agree with that.
loneliness does make me turn to God. and sometimes after talkin to Him, im still lonely. but im more assured that i am never alone, even in the midst of my loneliness. its like being content in the midst of your trouble. trouble is still there, but you know God is too, doing His perfect work, and you are comforted by that fact. you can endure it in better spirits. you know that God recognizes your feelings and is providin for your needs in His infinite wisdom, His time table, His way.
i read something interesting a while back about Jesus in the garden of gethsemane.
he told his disciples to sit where they were while he went off and prayed. then he took 3 of his disciples [his road dogs] deeper into the garden with him [if Jesus had best friends He took with Him in certain places that He didnt take the others, then why cant us humans understand that sometimes, in some situations, you want certain ppl to be with you and not others? but thats another post, for another issue, for other ppl specifically, for another time].
ok so he told those 3 "my soul is crushed to the point of death; stay here and watch with me." check how Jesus emotions had built up so much inside of Him that He just wanted His friends to be around Him. thats all.
alright so then Jesus goes by Himself and starts talkin to God. wen He goes back to His friends, they are sleep! bammas! he wakes em up and says "yall bammas sleep? you couldnt even stay up and talk, chill, be there with me for an hour?!" how lonely must Jesus have been yo? three separate times His best friends abandon Him for SLEEP [lol im indignant for Jesus but as some ppl know, i would have been the first one asleep pretending like i wasnt]
Jesus, facin a hard time in His life, was communicating with God, yet He had a deep need for human companionship as well. He asked His friends to stay with Him and periodically checked to see if they were still there & awake! how many times do we do this late night on the phone, gchat, txt messages, when we are feeling lonely? Christ was neither sinful nor weak [bc He was/is perfect] so why do we think that we are sinful or weak when we experience loneliness?
it is not the feeling that is sinful or weak. it is how we deal with it. reaching out for human companionship is not sinful or weak, unless you do it without seeking God as well or if you participate in a sinful act bc you were lonely.
so, i guess what im sayin is im ready to admit to some things:
i love God more than anything. yet im still lonely.
but im never alone.
this was epic.
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