breaking....

sometimes, i really dislike the way i am. something has got to break.

i give give give. i dont think people realize how much i give. i dont do anything without giving at least 100% on it; if I feel like im giving less then i push myself to do more or take myself out. this applies to relationships, tasks, hobbies....anything.

but i cant keep up with myself. i dont like how sometimes, my opinions are so different that i just keep my mouth shut instead of taking the risk of being misunderstood. i dont like how i always feel like im giving more than others. i dont like how i cant keep a normal job; how im "so good at everything" yet cant pay bills because instead of charging the going rate for my "everything," i do it for free/mad cheap because i cant help but deliver when people ask. i dont like how people make me feel like im not doing enough because i dont have a degree, because i dont have a man, because i dont have a job. i dont like how i never feel like im doing enough either. i dont like that i will tuck away my personal safety, goals, well-being, etc in order to ensure that someone else HAS, even if i know they wouldnt do the same for me. i dont like how i just want to spill myself out to a living, breathing person who gets it and wont make me feel guilty for saying that although God is the ultimate confidant, sometimes i just want to SEE the person in front of me. i dont like how i cant spill it out, because im scared to trust. i dont like how i have to say "no, it's not about a man; maybe my life is deeper than that, you think?" i dont like how it seems like the face & small body radiates that i dont know struggle, and so i have to contain my struggle so as to not shock the people on how imperfect i am. i dont like how im still hurt, when apparently im supposed to be fine by now. i dont like how people admire me, compliment me, demand more of me, yet fail to see that im breaking...

i dont like that im so much more vulnerable than anyone knows.
something has got to break.
and it cant be me.

but my heart will break as i say no. my heart will break as i give less and take more. my heart will break as i step back. my heart will break as i keep my thoughts hidden, my emotions secret, my mysteries close to me. my heart breaks as i write this and think about the rest of this year and how hard it's going to be.

but ive got to stop doing it all...
i reread a post i wrote long ago, and realized i have to do this again. sort thru & evaluate my life.

if only there was a way for me to do all i want, and still remain whole.

but there isnt, so i cry to keep myself from shattering.

who understands...

who understands the pain of having someone cut you so deep, hurt you so bad, basically rip your heart in shreds, yet you can't totally cut them out of your life? the pain of having one of the people you love the most in the world make you feel unloved, unworthy, and unwanted?

who understands the ambivalence of hating this person with the very fiber of your being, yet loving them still? having no control over that love, because you loved them before you even knew who you were. knowing that the reason they did what they did was because they were hurting too, that someone they loved made them feel the same way and for some reason, they could only respond in kind?

who understands the frustration when this person calls you and says that you're the only one who understands, praises you for qualities that, let's face it, their hurt manifested in you. the one good thing you can say came from the relationship, is that you are impossibly strong.....

who understands the slight panic that envelopes your heart when you imagine the day that you will have to explain to this person, and your future spouse & in-laws, why you can't (not won't, but physically can't) let this person walk you down the aisle, because 1) it makes you slightly nauseous & you begin to have a small panic attack trying to visualize the walk and, oh no! the sentimental dance that comes later and 2) you feel like he gave up the rights to that privilege years ago. you have to look into those eyes, filled with hurt and confusion, and tell him why...

"i was a daddy's girl, and you ruined that. the things you said, the things you did, the way you looked at me...all i ever wanted was for you to love me. and even tho i never made you pay for it, even tho i've always tried to forgive you and continue to cultivate a relationship with you, everytime i talk to you or see you, a part of me always remembers. a part of me always deflates. and i don't want those memories invading on my wedding day."

or maybe i'll look into those eyes and sigh, knowing once again that i will sacrifice my happiness for yours, so you will have something to boast about, tear up about, remember with fondness...and i will have hope that maybe, just maybe my daddy really does loves me, and was too hurt/messed up inside to adequately show it.

if you understand the pain, could you please come over and give me a hug? i really need it right now.

renewing my mind. . .

One thing that has been a gradual happening in my life is the renewing of my mind on the subject of sexual intimacy. I posted about this same topic some time ago, about how I wanted more than just sex.  Someone posed the question to me "Is kissing a sin?" After thinking about it, I gave the answer that is below. It made me realize that my mind has changed on this issue. However, I haven't had the opportunity to test this mindset (that is, since my mind has been changed, I haven't been in a relationship/intimate type situation). So prayerfully, I will be able to hold on to my convictions when the time does come.

Here's what I said:

My opinion? I don't believe that kissing is a sin, but the Bible also says that while some things may be permissible (that is, we can do them, they aren't sin), all things are not beneficial [1 Cor 6:12; 1 Cor 10:23]. It is where your heart is. If you are lusting in your heart, you may as well be sinning if you keep entertaining it [Matthew 5:28; Job 31:1]. Kissing, making out, etc are just preparing your body for sex, something that you aren't supposed to be doing with anyone who is not your husband. So it is like you are placing yourself in temptation, when the Word tell us to flee from it [1 Cor 6:18; James 4:7]. Why put yourself in a position to fall? 

Now, I'm not gonna say I'm a person who won't be kissing my husband until the altar (no ma'am!). I will most certainly be kissing, holding hands with, hugging, and showing other types of affection to/with my boyfriend. But I also know that most of the time, this will be done in public. Knowing myself and my past, I'm not trying to be alone for any long stretch of time with my man in my next relationship. I know I LOVE sex, I know I will be the one tempting him lol, and I know it's hard for me to resist any ANY hint of attraction. So if we can't comfortably do it in public, then I won't do it in private. [1 Thess 5:22; 1 Peter 2:12]

"mommy porn"

Joshua Harris recently wrote a blog post about another blogger named Melissa Jenna's strong challenge to fellow sisters-in-Christ about the the acceptance of so called "Mommy Porn"--specifically, the best-selling erotic novel "50 Shades of Grey" and the male-stripper themed movie "Magic Mike."

It was very interesting to me! It is true that Christian culture is much more accepting to what I would call "soft porn" for women. As she said "imagine your husband (or father/brother/church leader) going around bragging about how much he loved reading last month's Playboy magazine, or rallying all of his guy friends to go see "Magic Meghan" for the third time. If our husbands were drooling over a movie about female strippers, we would be livid. It wouldn't be tolerated. Church leaders would be publicly denouncing men's sudden acceptance of pornography and erotic films. (Why aren't church leaders publicly denouncing 50 Shades or Magic Mike, by the way?)"

It is true that a lot of women are more stimulated by words and such things, while most men are more stimulated by visual images (correct me if I'm wrong). Not saying that this is always the case. But women reading erotic novels with graphic descriptions of sex (I know, I've read the book the article is referring to) is no different from men looking at graphic depictions of sex. Melissa Jenna also makes the point that women/moms lusting is no better or acceptable to God than men/dads lusting.

Melissa goes on to state, "Christian women need to reject both of these works, and instead, use our voices in support of what is good, right and true. It is our responsibility, as daughters of the Heavenly King, to remain set-apart from the poisons of our culture, to rebuke temptation, and to celebrate and honor righteousness."

I think this is a part of what it means to renew your minds as Romans 12: 1-2 challenges us to do, it is "hungering and thirsting for righteousness" (Matt. 5:6). 

Read the full post.

more than just sex

On a mini-road trip with some of my favorite birds, we started a convo about sex. That isn't surprising - most people who have been on road trips with me know that we always end up talking about the Kingdom of God and sex (sometimes as a unit lol, sometimes two separate convos). However, this was one of the best sex conversations that I've had; it truly renewed my mind and so I had to share.


It was based off of 1 Corinthians 3:16 that states that we are the temple of God and His Spirit dwells in us. Check it out:

In the Old Testament, the place where God dwelled was His Temple. He didn't have a place in men until after Christ. The same way God lived in the temple then, He lives inside of us now, reminding us to honor our bodies (physically, emotionally, mentally/intellectually, and spiritually) because they are holy and set apart for God, our Savior. 

So, background: in the Old Testament only the High Priest could go into the Holy of Holys. That place was more special than any other because that was where God dwelled. It was where He was seated. Literally. So in order to go in, you had to go through a veil, be clean (purified), AND be the appointed one, the HIGH PRIEST, which was only done via ceremony. There he would go in and sacrifice an animal as a blood sacrifice for the people before God as a covenant, so God could grant forgiveness. And when Jesus shed His blood at Calvary, He gave us a New Covenant, a new start with the Father. Jesus died once and for all for our sins, but because of that, God now lives in our bodies.

Therefore, physically, since our body is God's temple, the only one that is allowed in (via sex - and I mean all of it, oral, anal, vaginal, skin-to-skin) is the one God allows. 

Your vagina is a part of your body, and therefore God's dwelling place, a Holy Place. The only one that is supposed to ever be allowed in is the ONE high priest, the man God has to be your husband. That man will be anointed by ceremony (your wedding day & marraige) to enter into that covenant with you. Why call it a covenant? Because whenever there was bloodshed, it made a covenant (see above). 

Our vaginas come with something called a hymen. Once it breaks, it spills blood over the penis--a blood covenant between husband and wife. This is why God desires sex between man and woman only. Because it's about a COVENANT, not just pleasure. It's about creating a dedication to each other and the Lord before men in a marriage ceremony (just as witnesses watched the priest be anointed). It's about dedicating your life and your marriage to serving & showcasing God and His Kingdom.

So, recap, in order for a man to go into your Holy of Holys, he must go through a veil (hymen), be clean (purified/virgin), and be the appointed one via ceremony (your husband). When we have sex outside of marriage, it's like having an orgy in the house of God! It's not what God wants or desires for us. 

This conversation totally transformed my view on sex, like Romans 12:2 tells us to do. I tell you what....I want sex. I'm not gonna say I don't because I want it a lot. But I want more than JUST sex. Right now, I have a distaste for just sex; I don't desire just sex at all. I want a covenant. I want something sacred, holy, special, soul-deep (and something, I'll admit, mind-blowing, titillating, and indescribable lol).


Now, don't get all down by some of the remarks here; technically I won't qualify for a "blood covenant" as there is no longer any veil for me...I am VERY far from being a virgin. But a great thing about this Kingdom living thang is that in Christ we are made new. Old things we did in the past are washed away, and we have a fresh start in Christ. Christ is calling us to move forward, and just not make the same mistakes moving forward. The Holy Spirit will remind & convict us of wrong and help us choose the path away from temptation. But even if we stumble, God's grace still washes us again and restores us. It's just God's desire that we not use Grace as an excuse to sin over and over and over again. (Romans 6:1)



Thank you, Brittany Turner, for your wonderful insight that made this post possible.

knowing history...

Something I read the other day...

To know Israel's history/story, in many respects, "is to know our own.

No other nation has as much to say to us about the love, patience, and anger of God. God demonstrated His love to Israel to demonstrate His love to everyone. She was chosen to be a light to the nations. An object lesson for all countries and people to watch and see the goodness of God and what happens when God's holy ways are ignored. When you trace the story of Israel, you realize that God extends hope, forgiveness, and everlasting life to all."

Being me... and Christian?

disclaimer: this post is not so you can listen to Keith Sweat all day and say 'yeah God knows this doesn't do anything for me" -__- most importantly, this is my opinion. plus, although it may be permissible, it may not be beneficial (1 Cor 6:12; 10:23, AND like i said below, you have to be mature enough to make the right choice)


I'm going to start this with something that doesn't seem on topic, but I'm sure you will understand. I was at a party some months ago and the discussion was whether being a Christian was fun. To my surprise, most people felt like "Christian fun" was whack. Why is this?

First off, I would like to promote some thought/discussion on this...do you (the person reading this) honestly think that "Christian fun" is exciting?

As you evaluate yourself and let that thought simmer, I'll say a little bit.

Most of us would agree that part of being a Christian is having a personal relationship with God. Now, does your relationship with your father look exactly like your best friend's relationship with his father? NO. So why are we so eager to make our relationship with our Father the same as everyone else's? If everyone has the same Christian 101 cookie cutter relationship with God, how is that personal?

Everyone is nodding at this, yet when we feel like doing something a little different, we question ourselves and compare ourselves to others. "What would (insert Christian friend) think about this?" We wonder if this thing is qualified as Christian. We run ourselves crazy trying to figure out if this act is in the Bible and if we would be sinning by doing this thing. We worry about how the Christian community and how the people we witness to will receive what we are doing. Guess what? That is a GOOD thing! We should make sure that we are in the will of God. But what we rarely consider is whether we are in the will of God for OUR life.

Personal example: some of my friends don't listen to secular music and some do. For Bonquisha, she knows that all secular music does something to her inner atmosphere so she doesn't listen to any of it. J'mahl knows that some secular music (namely India.Irie & Miles Davis) doesn't do any harm to him and so he listens to that and others on occasion. Neither of them judge each other; they respect the other's mindset and they don't try to encourage the other to come their way, the "better" way. Because guess what, they are different!

Everyone has a different purpose. Likewise, everyone has a different personality, and everyone has different needs. Don't you think God knows this? There are basic things that we all agree we should definitively NOT do, but there are other things that He wants us to learn about ourselves and then be mature enough to make the right decision. In order to effectively minister, you have to understand who YOU (not yo mama) are in Christ.

Check this out--the early church had this same issue! (that is people straining their necks to see how others are living their lives and how it compared to their own.) Read Romans 14 and 1 Corinthians 8 (cmon they are short chapters guys) and apply it to real life: Christians who believed the same basic principles about God were arguing about matters of opinion. Can we drink one of these, should I go to church in the morning or evening, can I go to a party with secular music? It's a decision that YOU alone have to make, be comfortable with, and answer to God about. Although there is no right answer, there is a right answer FOR YOU.

Bottom line: "You may believe there’s nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keep it between yourself and God. [Don’t let your eating ruin someone for whom Christ died. For the Kingdom of God is not a matter of what we eat or drink, but of living a life of goodness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. If you serve Christ with this attitude, you will please God, and others will approve of you, too.] Blessed are those who don’t feel guilty for doing something they have decided is right. But if you have doubts about whether or not you should eat something, you are sinning if you go ahead and do it. For you are not following your convictions. If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning."

Last thing I say before I get back to my first point (that you were supposed to be thinking about). God doesn't want you to lose your swag, so why let somebody else take it away from you?

SWAG: The way in which you carry yourself. Swag is made up of your personal overall confidence, style, and demeanor. Swagger is shown from how the person handles a situation and it can't be touched or replicated. It may be in the walk or it may be in the talk, but there is no doubt it means you own the room and you have that natural charisma. Basically, one with swagger dominates at life.

So. Back to the top. My question that night was what IS "Christian fun?" Seriously. I am a Christian, so everything I do is Christian. But I don't go around saying stuff like "Christian studying" or "Christian eating," there isn't a certain way that I, as a Christian, do the dishes. So I don't have "Christian fun" although I am a Christian; I just have fun. 

Being a Christian? It is simply what I AM. Therefore everything I DO reflects that; there should be no separation. So for me, it's not about "Being ME and Christian," because that's redundant. It's about being ME.

sacrificing memories

today, i found something. or somethings. they brought up good memories about my previous relationship.

but...they brought up memories from my previous relationship that, while good, is over. sigh.

i knew that i should throw them away, but it was harder than i thought. i wanted to hold onto them, bc i was scared if i threw these memories away, i wouldnt have any memories anymore....sometimes it's still hard for me to believe that one day ill feel special like that again.

but then i remembered something:

The pursuit of personal holiness, purity, love, and commitment to God requires discipline. We don’t simply drift into godliness. Like the training for track, it takes intentional, focused steps to get there...and that means there will be sacrifice. 

fact of the matter is, i have to let go fully, or else im showing God that I don't have faith that He can and will do all that He said He will. also, how can i tell some young'uns to let go, wait on God, believe, etc. when i have this thing that i am holding onto. this thing that i am committed to so im not fully committed to Him? it's like when my cross country/track coach told us to stop drinking sodas. after a few months, you could tell who really stopped and who didn't. time reveals all things. so just as i sacrificed soda to stay hydrated and healthy in an attempt to shave a few seconds off my time, i have to sacrifice some other material things to stay close to God and not get distracted or discouraged.

like mother, like daughter

i have always been a hustler.

when i was little, around 5 or 6, the age when people start asking "what do you want to be when you grow up?" i remember what i wanted to be. i wanted to be an author who illustrated her own books and a dance teacher/dancer. as i got older, i still wanted to be an author/illustrator, but i had changed my other occupation to  fashion designer and stylist. no matter what, every time i thought about or said what i wanted to be, it was always 3-5 things.

middle school and high school, i did: track, cross country, dance, cheerleading, basketball (combinations of 3 different sports at once), not to mention the like 5 clubs that i was in and had positions in. i just could not sit still.

it happened when i came to howard too. i wanted to double major/minor because i COULD NOT decide what i wanted to do. and i was involved in organizations. smh.

now here i am (by the grace of God), and i have finally finalized what it is that i am supposed to be doing for an occupation and working towards that goal. although my aim in life is to please God and give honor to Him in whatever i do, i believe i now know how i will be doing that in the world.

and how is that, do you ask? of course, it is not one thing lol.

here i am, wanting to start my own event management and graphic design company. i am earning my degrees and certifications towards that as well as gaining experience (that is, i am planning events and getting paid for doing design work). i also do hair at low prices, because i feel that people should feel the best about themselves at all times, no matter how broke they are lol. and i am also babysitting this wonderful young woman, which points to the tugging i have in my spirit of God telling me that i need to mentor young girls (for my own spirit and for theirs as well).

im doing all of this and wonder why i havta hustle so much.

then i look at my mother.

as i get older, i notice more and more of my parents in me. as i look at dixie, i realize she was always a hustler too. in college, taking care of kids and running track. married, in school, with a job, taking care of kids (some not even her own), with a side hustle as a seamstress. even now, dixie is still hustling.

it was always my dream growing up (and now) to provide for my mother so she wouldnt have to go so hard. but today i realized, even if i did provide for her so she wouldnt havta do anything but lay up all day, you know what she would be doing?

sewing for any and everybody; babysitting everybody and they daughter's kids; cooking for everybody; planning events for people's special occasions; tutoring children after school....etc.

and you know what? im fine with that.

and im fine with the fact that imma hustla, imma imma hustla homie! 

just like my mama.