good enough

im a perfectionist. ill say it.

im a perfectionist AND im so frickin independent. all my life, i was supposed to have my stuff together bc i was the one who helped everyone. ppl were in my life to receive help, not to give help to me. i was supposed to solve my problems, and theirs as well.

this journey ive been taking the last year or so, has showed me that thats not the case. i cant do it all.

i guess im doing better with sharing my problems, reaching out for help, and not feelin obligated to solve others problems or make them feel better.

however, i still had this thing....about relationships. bc ive had so many one sided relationships, i know how lonely and frustratin it is to feel like you do everything for a person you care about, and they dont do that for you. so i dont want any of my relationships to be like that. i dont wanna be a moocher. but sometimes in relationships, one person is going to be going thru while the other person is ok. and when it happens, i feel guilty if im the one receiving.

i feel guilty when i receive and i have nothing to give back. or i have less to give back. maybe bc ultimately, i dont feel like i deserve it. i was brought up being drilled that you only deserved something if you earned it, and sometimes when you do feel like youve earned it, your efforts still arent good enough. so try harder, bc its better to do more than not enough.

well. i have to realize that sometimes, my best wont be good enough. i cant solve some problems. i can only be there, do what i can, let God do the rest.

and honestly, i cant be in another romantic relationship until i stop feeling like no matter what i do, im still not good enough. its hard to get rid of like 2 decades of bein told youre not good enough. but if i feel like im not good enough, i never will be.

im too hard on myself sometimes. i can clearly see where God wants me to be. i can see where ive came from. and i can clearly see where i am. where i am is not where i want to be, and thats ok. i will never be perfect, bc im human. my mind says this logically, but its still getting thru to my heart.

things that other women feel like are their rights, bc they are precious beings, i dont necessarily feel the same. i wasnt raised like that. women werent respected or treasured in my life. you dont get special treatment as a woman, you learn to be strong and fend for yourself and earn whatever favors you get.

ive had to think about this a lot lately.

do i finally feel like im good enough? i dont know. i still see so many issues that i feel should be resolved. i still feel like i shouldnt burden anyone with all this crap. but i think, when i love ppl, their issues arent really a burden to me bc i love them so much.

its my responsibility to get a hold on my issues. its my responsibility to keep workin on them, keep seeking God, not hiding from things...all that.

but i also deserve someone who loves me enough that my issues arent that big to them. i deserve someone who doesnt think i have to earn their love. i deserve someone who treasures me.

u kno, they are gonna be times when i make mistakes, where i forget something. there are gonna be times when im not good enough. but thats what grace is for. 

when you love a person, you see their faults, their good qualities, their habits, their issues, their insecurities, and their potential. and you want to help them and walk with them thru life, continually growing and learning WITH them.

im not good enough. but who is?
im growing, im pushing forward, and thats good enough.
having more [or less] issues does not qualify you for special treatment. there are some things that are thrown your way in life that you have no power over. its how you handle your life that determines what you are mature enough for.

"I am STILL confident that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27: 13-14