weak

the older i get [or i should say, the deeper i walk wit God] the weaker i feel i become. i used 2 not allow anyone to see me cry [due to childhood experiences that showed me cryin was not the business, but thats another story]. i didnt ask for help & i was so good at providin for myself that ppl didnt even notice wen i was strugglin or in pain. i smiled all the time. when i was sick i pushed thru it. i could survive days without sleep.

but when i actively started to deal with my past, my issues, my insecurities, and desired to learn to depend on God, craziness started happening. i was cryin in public, prone to havin breakdowns in my room, where i felt such an overload of emotions that i felt crazy, couldnt breathe, couldnt do anything but lay & cry & silently pray.

[ive known for a long time that im an emotional person, moreso than most. i feel things very sharply, deeply, and very strongly. (that doesnt sound right lol.) but id always managed to stay aloof from it, bc feelin so much hurts a lot, esp wen its someone elses feelings that im feelin. i tend to be able to feel others feelings, and it gets confusing and painful...but thats another post.]

i was no longer able to figure out my own problems, and the ability to know what to say to others was waning. i would get/feel sick and not be able to push thru. i would not be able to sleep and then suddenly not be able to stay awake! [i who once was awake for 5 days straight!]

it was even more difficult bc i felt like i had no one but myself. i felt like this before all this started happening. i was fiercely independent. i was the one everyone turned to for answers for the longest time. family, friends, school. there werent many ppl i could ask for advice or how to do somethin and after i finally met some ppl, there werent many ppl i trusted enough....dixie [thas my mama for those who dont know] but i didnt like to bother her bc she had so much on her plate, i usually tried to help her out. so this whole thing was new to me, knowing how, where, and when to ask for assistance. i didnt know what to do or how to go about it.

i felt alone. i couldnt feel God, couldnt hear Him, no matter what i did. but that doesnt mean He wasnt there...sometimes God intentionally draws back at crucial points in our lives to test character, reveal weakness, and prepare us for more responsibility [like He did with Hezekiah in 2 Chronicles 32, he had a close relationship with God, but then God withdrew from Hezekiah in order to test him and to see what was really in his heart].

i was at my weakest. but God is always stronger than anything. i had to be weak so i could learn to depend on Him. and im still learning. [big time.]

i feel like im the weakest person i know, while others tell me im the strongest woman they kno. but i cry all the time. sometimes i can barely get out of bed; sometimes i dont get out. i still have breakdowns. i worry about my health, money, my family. i doubt God at times. i feel lost & confused and i give in to dispair. i have overwhelming displays of emotion. sometimes i give in to the weakness of my flesh...im double minded. i know what God said yet i renege on it. im so weak.

but yet & still God is strong. and im learnin to depend on Him.