An Unquiet Mind

i just finished reading this book called "An Unquiet Mind." and it was great. I mean, it was great for what it was, but the reason I loved it was because I understood. this woman, although different from me, I could understand some of what she was feeling and felt that she would have understood me, if only she knew me lol.

see, the reason i keep most of me bottled up is because it hurts when i state how i feel and instead of understanding, ppl warp it. its not a relief to get it out, it causes more pain actually.

and i enjoyed this book bc i recognized the helplessness. the longing to want to know how to prevent it. the realization that it is uncontrollable.

maybe ill try to explain, bc i feel as if this is very confusing and vague. for some of you, it may get even more confusing.

but this morning i woke up and knew it was one of those days. not, "i got out the wrong side of the bed" day. but "everything is wrong" day. some days i wake up and its a struggle to even get out the bed. no, you dont understand. it doesnt matter how much sleep ive gotten the night before, i am still tired. not only tired, achy. it takes a long time for me to do anything. i feel weighed down. i wake up crying. i hate my life. its an effort to center my thoughts and get it moving. effort, strength that i barely have and dont know how i will survive my next bad day.

and the worst part is, i dont want to feel like this. im not being lazy or feeling sorry for myself. i want to get up, smile, go do everything i planned to do with energy and passion, like the passionate deanna i remember. but this feeling is involuntary. i cant help it. even as i go thru my whole day i feel this gloom, even when great things happen, when i see special ppl, when i smile like everything is ok, i feel myself bursting at the seams inside, wanting to scream, one second from breaking down and crying.

and what hurts even more is that i know ppl dont understand, they dont get it. they think im just being lazy or feeling sorry for myself. and they wanna tell me crap...as a matter of fact, i know all the "facts" and sayings that ppl will say to me, bc ive said them all myself.
DONT tell me i need to get up and do work. if you havent noticed, although im moving half my regular pace, i am gettin things accomplished. im moving. bc i cant afford not too. i was just trying to express my feelings, get them out, thought it would help. but it didnt, so ill shut up.
DONT tell me not to feel sorry for myself. bc im not even thinking about myself or my past or my life. im not feeling sorry for ME. i just have this feeling of sadness weighing down on me even when im not thinking. and it hurts.

the worst part is, noone can tell me how to GET RID OF IT. all these things/suggestions...get some sunshine, exercise, do summin you love, pray, blahblahblah...doesnt work. nothing works until i crawl back in bed and pray that tomorrow is not a bad day. usually it isnt. but sometimes it is.