that victory walk

if an asthmatic is having an asthma attack, do you tell them "hey, just breathe right!"no, bc you know if they could breathe right, they would. bc who doesnt wanna breathe right? but i feel as if that is what people are telling me. im drowning and you tellin me to swim. well, if i knew how to do that, wouldnt i have swam to the shore already?

"just think of happy things." "dont do that." "dont say that." "well, dont feel that way." "walk in faith." "walk in victory." "suck it up." "dont feel sorry for yourself."

and the fact is, i know i shouldnt feel this way. but i do. so instead of telling me these things, all of which i already know, can someone please tell me how to FIX it?

actually, there is one thing i dont know. excuse my mandarin [why we gotta discriminate against the french? lol], but someone please let me know what the -h- "walk in victory" entails. i feel like i was asleep during that lesson in Christian 101. or i forgot the moves to the Victory Walk. bc we are quick to say that, but what does it really mean? dont feel troubled or dont cry over your situation or dont be disappointed or what?

apparently im not a true Christian bc i dont have this victory walk thing down. all i know is, i get up everyday and do what i have to do. sometimes i cry throughout the whole day. sometimes i wake up feeling torn apart. sometimes i wake up and i feel fine. sometimes i wake up and feel numb. but bc i dont wake up everyday shouting that today is my breakthru....[which i mean, i been waiting for a breakthru for most of my life. that big break hasnt come, contrary to what most of my friends have "claimed" for me, although some smaller ones have. and i am so grateful for those. but dont kill me if i roll my eyes when you say my breakthru is coming and im not gonna struggle like i been strugglin. there is too much going on in my life for tomorrow to be my breakthru. i already know its gonna take months/years for that to come, and its most likely gonna be a gradual, subtle thing. sorry to burst ur prophecy bubble].

so i dont wait each day in anticipation that this is the big day. no, i do what i gotta do and hope/pray/cry that it will come soon. frankly, im tired of the stress that comes with anticipation. the only thing i anxiously await for in anticipation is the day when i can be in His Presence. bc what if my life never evens out? id rather be realistic, do what i can with what i have. look for some healing. bc that is what is important.

no, i may not "walk in victory" the way some people want. i dont think that the best things are gonna happen to me bc i am a child of God. no, i may not get that grade, and i prob wont get that job. but does that make me faithless? my abundant life comes in the fact that i know that no matter what, He loves me and i am His. i would never give up on Him, even if i dont think He is going to do a specific thing for me or something wont work out. i simply make my plans, assess it critically, do what i can, and hope it succeeds. and if it doesnt...well it doesnt. that doesnt mean God isnt real, or that He has something better for me right around the corner or thru the next door [in reality, the something better could be down the next block, or in the next state. dont be so impatient.].

i may have my bad days now. i may feel hopeless now. but it is my goal to be content. i want to be able to be content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am. i want to learn how to live in any and all circumstances, learn the secret of facing every situation: whether well-fed or going hungry, having a sufficiency and enough to spar,e or going without and being in want.

i want to be ready for anything and be equal to anything through Him; for Him to infuse inner strength into me; my goal is to be self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency.

[maybe i didnt need Christian 101. maybe i just taught myself that victory walk.]