pieces

late afternoon i collapsed on my floor, screamed and cried. late night i cried in the shower. i tore in half. i contemplated self-harm. i threw up a little. i nursed a headache. i paced my room. i cried some more...

you say, you hurtin like you have lost your best friend.
i have.

and what most people wont understand is that it was a mutual decision based on love. it was a good decision, it was a God decision. because the fact of the matter is, my best friend should be unequivocally God. the first person i go to. my comforter. my sounding board. who i entrust with everything. God. not my road dog, no matter how great they may be.

sometimes, you have to enter the desert to go to the promised land. i was just reminded that tonight. [i hope that i can be open to receiving what i need so i dont be there long as the israelites] i may feel bereft because of this, my heart and head hurts, my spirit...but i need to draw nearer to God. i know that. and the way to draw nearer to Him is to remove those things that i am placing before Him. if your right eye offends, pluck it out.

most people dont readily grasp the concept that the "sinful" nature may not look like sin. we sure can recognize the devil when he tries to trick us, but we dont seem to notice when it is just our flesh. and things are natural...its natural at a certain age to start wantin those of the opposite sex, its natural to want to receive love, its natural to need people, its natural to eat, its natural to...but those natural desires are warped when they are put in the place of our relationship with God.

so this is a good decision. a God decision. one that was definitely not taken lightly.

but that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt more than anything ive ever experienced, and that is saying a lot.
but as i was hurting, i recalled Galations 6:8-9: Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time at the appointed season we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint.

still, it doesnt negate the hurt. but it makes it a little easier to fall asleep so i can move forward into tomorrow.