release

last week i missed my therapy appointment. dont wanna talk about why...but i dont really like therapy anyways, for different reasons.
for one, i dont know what to call it...therapy, counseling...whatever...

and this week, i dont have an appointment bc shes gonna be out of town. and i guess...well, idk. i guess im writing bc i feel kind of lost.

i didnt want to start therapy, i dont like talking and not knowin the person im talkin to. but i did it bc i had to do something in/for my life. something drastic. and maybe some good will come out of it.

and it has. i feel more motivated to do something about my life. i feel like taking that step helped me to take other steps as well. even if i dont see what benefits have come out of talking....other than that it is nice to have somewhere to go just to ramble for an hour (or more like 45min) about my feelings and frustrations. [even if i feel that she doesnt fully understand or i dont like when she sometimes looks at me like she feels sorry for me or sometimes i dont like the things she says. plus i dont like being analyzed, and i dont like talkin about me and not knowin anything about you. i like sharing, which is a two way street.]

anyway, that little bit of time taken out to just release. thats what i look forward to, i guess you can say.

because i dont ever give myself time to really release. not the way i need to.

at times, i have pent up screams inside me that i can barely contain. tears that threaten to overflow.
dance used to be my release, and sometimes i do dance in my room, but i miss the discipline of structured dance.

im tryin to have my time with God every morning. its not the same as releasing the pent up scream thats inside of me, but maybe it will eventually release all the pressure. bc thats what i long for right now.

release.