so i had this conversation wit my road dog [yes, for those of you who know] about a certain person. now i thought the person did not like me. and he was giving me evidence that she did care about me. and i cried. not only bc i truly felt like she liked me, but bc i was releasing something.
i tend to project my issues onto other people. i realized that last night. now, why did i think this person did not like me? the reasons all stemmed from my issues:
1. intimidation: i viewed this person as someone who had control over her life. she seemed to have things going like she wanted and was stable. and bc i saw her like that, i assumed that she would expect the same out of other ppl....and i felt like my life was so NOT together so i just assumed she would look down on me.
2. previous experience: most girls, in my early experience, did not like me. i thought it was me...but really it was them. all my early friends i either heard, saw, or read them talking about me behind my back. and altho i didnt know it at the time, it was bc of jealousy. i wouldnt think that, bc why would they be jealous of me? i was always the smartest person [until i went to the louisiana school, and i finally felt normal] and i hung around dudes. all the boys liked me...as a friend lol. bc my brother was my best friend growing up and i was just drawn to boys [who always got me to hook them up with other girls]. i guess they just saw me hanging with their men and was mad
3. my issues: i know what my past is like. i know what my insides are like. and bc i thought this person knew things about me that weren't so desirable, i could not see how she could still like me knowing these things. of course, i see past peoples' pasts, etc. into their hearts, so why cant i allow others to do the same for me? why cant i allow myself to be loved?
so i cried. bc i realized that this is something i do. and realization and admitting it are the first steps. and then i let it go. i cant project that onto other people. i have to let myself be liked. i have to let myself be loved.
then, in this same conversation, i told my road dog that some of his comments were patronizing! now, mind you, this man was helping me A LOT. but my feelings were a lil bit hurt, and why? bc of me projecting my past onto him:
1. intimidation: someone asking a lot of questions about my decision to do something reminds me of sitting down being questioned by my father. having to sit still on the couch while he asked questions [that when i answered were just shot down]. then i was told how i was stupid and nobody, and maybe got hit. sometimes extensive questioning brings back a whisper of that feeling.
2. previous experience: for as long as i can remember, people have assumed that im not smart. then when they get a glimpse of what i know and what i can do, they are shocked. but it upsets me that i look like i dont understand. when someone is explaining something to me that i already know, i feel like they are just tellin me bc they think im stupid. no, they are telling me bc they are concerned and they dont know if i know. how can they know that unless i tell them? not snap at them for telling me and trying to help me
3. my issues: i dont like feeling helpless, i mentioned that before. and so i am fiercely independent to make sure i dont feel that way. that makes me resistant to people helping...and is not a good quality to have.
just typing this gave me some release.
its all a journey to being a more stable, more whole deanna. as my gchat status says:
Je veux juste etre aime . . . et je suis, quand je l'accepte (ouvrir les yeux, le recevoir et de Lui permettre de m'adore)
[go here if you want to know what it means haha translate it]
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