lately

so, many of you know i got a job. at making history, a store in union station, owned by this crazy man who owns a lot of these "regionally themed" [souvenir] stores. he is a very open, interesting, and naturally inquisitive man [also weird in a good way. eccentric. unorthodox. good words. my orange banana, if she ever met him, would like him bc he reminds me of her]. this explains why he asked me why i withdrew from howard, and in the middle of the conversation, i started crying.

uhoh. bad move, crying in a job interview, right?
but it wasnt.

he liked my honesty [as well as my intelligence, and i am sure my beauty. plus my other wonderful redeeming qualities]. and it just goes to show how just being yourself can pay off i guess...bc i was very much myself in the interview and he offered me the job at $9/hr and starting next week on the spot.

i spent the day out on union station enjoyin the sun, then went and hung out wit my neos. great day, great night.

then i came home and the bad thoughts came. actually, they came before i got home, i just postponed them until then. i saw mudeas big happy family, and at the end, they discuss this family rape...and it amazes me how just hearing that word causes a physical reaction in me. even just thinking it causes my heart to beat faster, my ears to be more perceptive, i have an urge to glance around, i feel my insides heat up a lil...even if i dont show it on the outside.

but worse than the blood pounding in my heart is the feeling of pure helplessness. looking for a way out or a way to handle/control the situation and realizing that there is none. no way out but the pain of dealing with the resignation of getting what you deserve [even tho i know, logically, that deserve is not the word to use. but my emotions dont feel logically]. i NEVER want to feel that again.

but thats impossible. im going to feel helpless. and when i do start feelin that way, idk, im not myself anymore. not the deanna i know or want to be. i turn into this deanna that ive been for the past like 6 months, barely coherent just bc of the craziness of life and the fact that im helpless against it. plus, its kinda in the life of a christian to be helpless in your own strength, right? so of course as i grow in faith i deal with this issue of control, needing to know everything, trusting...and the bad thoughts.

actually, i been noticing that i have sad, lonely, depressing, angry, hurt,  upset, [etc. that i just qualify as "bad"] thoughts frequently...but i try to move away from them and/or be active as much as i can to distract them.

things are looking up, and i dont have time to be looking down, or back....

but the tears are always lurking right beneath the surface.

[ok im adding this note later in the game...maybe i shouldnt distract them, but face them head on...but im scared to do that bc i dont wanna get lost in them. im scared to think them out bc of where they can go. still working on how to actually make them less intense and less frequent, bc i know i will feel bad sometimes...it just shouldnt overwhelm me]