i wonder at [my] beauty

sometimes i look in the mirror and wonder at my beauty.

why i am so slender, my hips so narrow, my curves so subtle. i gaze on other women with more shapely bodies [wide hips, actual thighs, an actual distinction in the waist from the upper and lower half] with sad longing...i feel that they are more womanly, more of a woman, than me.

i look at my face and speculate why it is so girlish, why i dont have the angles of a womans face and still look the same now as i did at 12. even my favorite feature, my smile, is girlish: it is wide and bright and pure like a 5year olds, not demure or sexy.

i also wonder why my prettiness is also subtle, why i look so normal, average, or even less than 1st impression attractive. it sneaks up on people. why people will not call me beautiful or gorgeous on first sight [i just look ordinary, or cute <-thats been uttered a lot to my baby face] but one has to know me for a while, feel my personality, and catch me under the right light at the right angle to realize in surprise 'oh deanna is a pretty girl.'

dont most women have one of the 2 to distinguish them: that mature [attractive or striking] face or that curvaceous womanly body...or at least the hair.

no matter what i do [excluding wigs or weave] my hair is not flowy nor does it have body or bounce. in fact, it clings to my scalp like it is scared of the world. even straightened [short or long] it doesnt move much. and natural? if i go all out and wash, blow out, condition, and 2strand twist my hair to do a twist out, ill take down my twists and by the end of the day [humid or not] my hair is inching back to my scalp, its safe haven. its packed in there like artificial grass. [at least its thick and sometimes soft...that i can be grateful for]

so i look at my subtle curves that can barely be seen under my clothes [unless they are painted on which doesnt happen often], my lil face that when i put on makeup looks like a 10 year old playing dress-up, and my shrunken nappy [insider: rats suckin on it] head; and i wonder....

wonder when ill ALWAYS see someone beautiful...
when ill see someone womanly...
when ill see someone confident...

wonder when ill see and accept me.

i wonder at my beauty...