today

today was not a good day.

nothing happened really. i just wasnt feeling it. like, it was raining and for some reason rain usually makes me feel better. but not today. and since i wasnt feeling good mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, i also had physical symptoms. thats what usually happens to me.

and i wanted to just sleep. my line sister told me not to sleep the day away. but that was clearly my intention. if i slept the day away i wouldnt have to face it. i also didnt feel like answering phone calls. fact was, i wanted to be around ppl but i didnt want them to talk. i wanted to be touched, but not by just any random body.

i wasnt really happy. but wasnt really sad. i was just there. i didnt know what was wrong with me, and really, i didnt wanna find out. i could tell i was on the edge of some kinda emotions, whether it be severe irritation, sadness, or contentment. when i tried to go deeper to see what was really the matter, my eyes started burning and my heart started hurting. so i just moved back into a state where i could get things done to an extent, but i didnt wanna see or talk to people who just had to talk and ask what was wrong. the fact was, everything was wrong and it just frustrated me to try to explain it when i didnt understand myself!

then these frickin doves. yall kno i love you. but i did not want to talk to anyone, and these doves just invited themselves to my house for family prayer.

they dont know how much i needed them.
even tho i clearly didnt feel like talkin bout myself or the state i was in, just having them there and concerned did so much for my mood and my feelings. and i thank RHAE especially for sitting so close to me and allowing me to put myself all over her lol. it helped so much.

 i was complaining/rejoicing to my road dog how they came and invaded my privacy, and RD laughed and said "they love u. thats how families do. they dont leave u alone even when you wanna be alone lol."

so true. and im annoyed and glad for it.
wish my emotions werent so ambivalent.

when i start to pray, i feel myself breaking down and almost collapse within myself. i kno the tears and shortness of breath and racing thoughts are going to come, either all of these things or some. and im just so weary, i want to put it off as long as i can. how long can i last doing this every night?
it cant be healthy or sane.

im happy for those ppl who are always there. who i can call/text/message and they always answer even if i dont. for those i do always answer to, who i have no choice i am just compelled to answer them no matter what. to those who love me in spite of this craziness. and even if you dont understand what im going thru, for those who try their best to understand and who pray.

i seriously want to be held, totally enveloped in someones arms who is bigger than me. idk when that is gonna happen tho. im just gonna havta deal with being alone, or at least feeling alone and unprotected.

later note: i notice that i refrain from using names or real names in this blog. hmm. idk why i do that. i just do. maybe because i dont want ppl to be jealous. but also i want those who i mention to know who they are. i dont think any of my friends would be jealous per se, but i dont want them to feel any negative emotion on my account, like they cant measure up to a certain person when that is not the case. some ppl, well, just attract me more i guess. thats the case with everyone. and altho some ppl understand that, others would just feel some kinda way that maybe im not as close to them as they feel to me??? idk. thats something to investigate another time.