perceptions

i honestly dont care what people think of me.

well, listen. i am very conscious of those who look up to me, that i am an example to. i wish to live my life righteously although i am not righteous at all, but thru Christ i am everything. so i try to keep Him the focus and i try to not be a hypocrite.

but otherwise, if you know me, i do not care what others think.

whether its how i look [fly wit my heels or crazy with my heels (in the snow/ice) or just crazy in snow boots, long socks, shorts, and a pullover with no bra; different style every day, changing my hair every week, purple or gray contacts] or what i do [because i will dance in the library and twirl in the street] or what i say [im not gonna mention how my words get twisted on twitter lol] but i just dont care because im me.

however, sometimes i need to care. i need to listen.
i hear what people say about me.
they call me intelligent, smart [2 different things], confident, virtuous, sexy, creative, strong, passionate, and gorgeous.

so when will i look in the mirror, and start caring enough to believe what they say?

i think im all of those things sometimes. when the light hits me a certain way, or im in a certain mood, or just got this revelation from God. sometimes im that woman who has it going on.

the rest of the time, i look in the mirror and see skinny, loser, extra deanna whos so indecisive she cant even decide whether or not she is all of those things that people call her.

i know all the scriptures boo, that you can give me on self esteem. fact is, i know i am all of these things. some ppl may even say that my esteem is too high. i just dont see them enough to please me.

when will I be enough for me? until then, ill never be enough for anyone else.