the beginnings

i realize that although i love honesty, im not the most honest person. although i love transparency, im not the most transparent person.

and that is because i leave things out. if you dont ask me specifically, i will give you an answer that is only as deep as you asked. how are u is surface. "im fine" although the deeper (not deepest, just more specific) answer would be "im fine at this present moment because when you walked up i hid all my feelings and since im in public i have to control myself so im not gonna break down so of course this morning i pushed it all to the side so i wouldnt show how im really feeling. thanks for asking."

i mean, if you are more specific, i am. and otherwise, i am honest and transparent, very much open people tell me. im only like this, well, when it comes to me. and my life. and anything that i deem as personal (the stuff when you ask me about, my heart tumbles to the floor. yeah all that stuff).

unless its been a time where the holy spirit was weighing so heavily on me that i had no choice to speak, i do not talk about me, myself, and i, nor my feelings, my past, my beliefs.

why is that? well, maybe because i dont trust anyone. i dont. you think i trust you, but i dont. there is only one person in this world that i trust fully with everything and will say any and everything to. and many will be surprised at who that is... but even with [that person], i dont say everything for fear of loading [said person] with too much because i know that i tell [them] a lot. people are not a receptacle.

yet i make myself one, for other people. and then i dump their stuff out before the Throne. yet i sweep my stuff over to the side of the room, pretend it isnt there because really, i have a lot to do gotta keep it moving no time feeling sorry for me im the strong one just push through it and anyways, i should be able to deal with it right? when i put it before the Throne, it just hurts me again and again, so ill just push it over there in the corner.

but then, i looked up and all of a sudden, the things i had been handling i couldnt handle anymore. i thought i was ok, but it was huge, drowning me, i couldnt breathe. too much.

and now, no matter how it hurts, i have to go through my stuff, separate the trash from the gems. the used from the new lessons. the memorabilia, the heirlooms, from the junk. recognize what should be given away to those who need it more.

man. its hurts. and i probably wont be able to put it all here. but for SOME (not all) of the backstory, go to www.anqlambda.blogspot.com and check out my post from december (its called something like NuLife: I was an everything).

and after that, well, i guess youre caught up. or as caught up as much as i can stand (i was insane for writing that post. i want to take it down but the reality is i cant lol. if i could i would. i must have been in a trance bc in my right mind i would have never confessed so much.)

times are rough. and actually, im hurting now. but im not ready to talk about that now. this is all i can muster up to write. this month, my devotionals are on the disciplines of humility & submission and the fruit of the spirit joy. shoutout to my little bird for her devotion on psalm 143:8, along with a previous one she sent me. they are helping me to talk to God honestly again.


“Cause me to hear your loving kindness in the morning, for in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to you.”