[warning. this blog is very disjointed. i wrote it while i was in the middle of...idk what to call these things. usually i wait until they are done to write about them. or talk about them. or go out into society. so excuse the raw emotion and excuse how it jumps from topic to topic. thats how my mind works naturally, altho if this was my mind, instead of jumpin to another topic, i would think of both things at the same time...but u cant do that in writing...lol]
i dont know how i am and i dont know how i feel. im tired. i try my best not to feel anything because i can tell what i feel is too deep to deal with in a reasonable amount of time. and i have to go to work, find another job, and work on miscellaneous things that are supposed to be helping me. so i dont have time to investigate how i feel. if i want to accomplish anything today, i have to put how i feel out of my mind bc its too strong to control.
i dont know how im feeling, why im feeling, what im feeling. i dont understand myself anymore. idk what it is, but whatever it is thats goin on wit me is not good. i wish i kept pretending like i was good because now everyone is constantly asking me how i am. and im so FRUSTRATED bc how can i answer that if i dont even know? how can i answer that in a text, or in a conversation in passing on campus? when i even start thinkin about, how am i really? my chest starts hurting, my heart beats faster, tears well up. im not breakin down in front of you on the Yard or on my way to pick up this little girl from school or on my way to fill out a job application. i wont.
so i just lie and say im fine. or idk. bc really, i dont know and i dont know if ill ever know.
what am i thinking? too much. why do i cry so much? why cant i just be happy, when will i be old deanna who was optimistic and happy? what kinda Christian am i to think the things i think sometimes? do i really have faith? bc if i did, would i feel this way? why do i need touch and words so much and why wont God touch me more when He knows i need it everyday? when He knows that touch wit ppl who dont have that bond i need is useless or not enough? why? why do i hate some ppl and am just now realizing it? this favor ppl tell me i have, why am i too ungrateful to see it? there are ppl worse off than me, so why am i crying? im mad. im so mad. and so sad. and i dont have time to investigate all this bc i need to make money and i need to get better. not worse.
i was told yesterday that i wasnt alone. i know im not alone. God is there, always.
but poor, ungrateful me, i just need to have something physical. my love language is physical touch. and actually, ive experienced Gods touch physically. but its not an everyday thing. and until it is, i am alone. bc i feel alone.
its funny how i will sacrifice myself to be there when people need me. i notice that i sacrifice everything for other people, all the time. even when its not beneficial to me, i am pushed to help. [maybe i should stop that, bc ppl dont do it for me. even when they can help me, if it means being uncomfortable or sacrificing something big, including time, they say no and im left to ask so many others, which i probably wont do bc my next love language is words of affirmation. and what u say, or dont say, is enough to make me withdraw.] and last night was gonna be the same. i was needed, so instead of having time after counseling to myself to process [which i still havnt done], i went straight back to campus. and as soon as my foot stepped on campus, amongst all those ppl, i was alone.
i was walkin towards the library barely able to catch my breath. i knew what was happening. so i walked to the back of the library, sat down on the concrete, and cried. i cried and shook and i would have screamed if so many ppl weren't in the valley. but as it was, i suppressed my scream and just cried out, with my entire body, mind, soul, and spirit. it was involuntary. i tried to stop myself but couldnt.
then i went home.
even now, with ppl texting me, askin how am i, i am alone. i dont know how to explain it to you, and dont say that im not alone bc you are here. whatever. i kno youre there but guess what? even when you are here, i still feel alone therefore i am alone.
i always feel bad. ive been alone for almost all of my life, why should it matter now? ive been taking care of myself, why do i want to be taken care of now, share the burden now?
and i feel guilty. i always feel guilty when ppl do things for me or whatever. i feel guilty for talking about myself instead of you. because really, so much is "going on" with me that id rather hear whats "going on" with you. so much that i dont understand, that maybe i could understand if i talk it out. but talkin it out, hashing it out, with another person takes time. and ppl have lives, lives separate from me. so they dont have time to be about me and my issues.
this therapist. 6 months, 1ce a week. someone who doesnt know me so i wont be able to freely talk until she does. and by the time she does, itll be the end of our time together.
why was i made this way? no, like seriously, i ask myself. bc im just a big series of contradictions.
i was made for intimate relationships. i take on ppls problems, so many ppl turn to me for small things, yet what i yearn for are ppl who give me all of their problems. yet im always wary that if i give out all of what i feel, then whoever wont be able to carry the weight of it and will either leave or collapse.
even when i give a little to someone, they cant even grasp all of wat i give them. they focus on one thing, usually the least pressing for some reason, and run with it
i want too much. i want to be all the way intertwined. like, the closest u can get to someone. i want our minds, souls, hearts, and bodies to intertwine. is that even possible? to know every cell of a person and have the same said about me? that i can understand how u feel and think, be in tune, and then be able to physically wrap myself in u for as long as possible, all the while being able to talk about anything but talkin about nothing comfortably because we already know, and that is ok?
even if it is possible, i dont get to get it. and why? bc im a mess.
does this even make sense? prob not. bc its all just feelings, and even i know that feelings are not reality, just perceptions, uncontrollable, fickle, and not logical.
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