i have a lot more to say. a lot happened this weekend. but for some reason, i am so tired. not sleepy, just tired. i dont feel like browsing thru my feelings to sort them out. so imma just post this and maybe rest for a few days before i share anymore.
So I grew up as an Army brat, and sometime when i was young, things started changing. My love languages, FYI, are physical touch and words of affirmation, a kinda bad combination for lots of reasons imma discuss. The first reason is because for some reason, my daddy decided to start drinking and abusing his family....physically and emotionally. I'm a pretty protective girl, and so I did a lot to make sure he didn't mess with my little sisters. My older brother learned to hold his own, but he didn't do too much to my older brother and sister because they weren't his biological children, and they would tell their daddies. The bad thing was, I was a daddy's girl, so my daddy telling me I was ugly, stupid, nothing but a whore and a bitch kinda stuck in my head...I believed it for a long time. That, and the time he spit on me, hurt more than any time he hit me.
My life went from being moved around suburban neighborhoods and having enough to pretty hard. We moved back to my mother’s hometown in Louisiana to be near her father. It was a small town in the country. Because my daddy was drinking all the money up, my mama had to work her tail off . I know she did the best she could for us, but I know what is like to be teased for being poor—not wearing the fashionable clothes,the girls on the cheerleading squard whispering “How can she pay for camp when their lights have been turned off?” I went from being a happy child to kind of silent. I would read and not say much else at this period of my life.
As I grew up, and all the other girls got all cute, I pretty much stayed skinny, dark-skinned, and weird-looking. I had a very visible skin condition and had to take medicine ALL the time. I hated being sick. I liked boys, not being hot, but I just preferred boys over girls because I was closer to my brother--boys did cooler stuff, and they didn't make fun of me as much. However, as I got in junior high, I kinda got tired of being every guys friend, the girl who hooked everybody up, and who was still a virgin. Around this time, my favorite cousin started making these very clear advances towards me...we never had sex. Actually, it started when I was pretty young, he was a little over a year older than me, I was about 10 when it started I think. It didn't end til I was around 15 or 16. He used to kiss me and touch me, and make me give him head...Beginning of my 9th grade year, first day of school, I took a ride with this dude, Jewel. He was round 20, my friend Chandris used to mess around with him and told me to check him out lol. We rode out to this field and had sex for like 5 min....it was nothing. It didn't hurt, when we started I thought, am I supposed to feel something? Never talked to him again. Didn't want to have sex again. But then, hanging outside one day, I was over one of my cousins house, went to the bathroom. When I came out, one of them kind of pushed me in the back room and asked for some head. Then some of my other cousins stood in the doorway, I thought they were gonna help me, but instead they took turns. Some months after that, I was hanging with my best friend at the time and we snuck out to her boyfriend's house. While there, her boyfriend's friend raped me. I called my mama to pick me up the next morning, but never told her anything.
After that, I discovered that I could use sex as a tool to control men, and at the same time feel wanted. I knew I couldn't trust no man but my brother, any other man that was close to me betrayed me. But at least if I had sex with them, I knew I could get summin I wanted/needed, and I felt pretty for a little while. I grew loud and outspoken. I would pop off at the mouth to anyone; and I was (and still am) a very intelligent, witty individual. With all the the things I’d gone through, believe me I knew what to say to hurt you. I had boyfriends, I had maybe 2 that I really cared about, but I always cheated on them. All the time. Sometimes I wonder if I messed it up on purpose because it was too good.
My junior and senior years of high school I attended the Louisiana School for Math, Science, and the Arts, located on the campus of Northwestern State University. Being away from home just enhanced all the emotions and attitudes I came to adopt. I learned how to fill my viods with people. Although I had been raised in the church (I distinctly remember attending a COGIC church and a Baptist church, and my father’s mother was a CME preacher) and could spit more scriptures and Christian cliches than the more “saved” of my friends, this was a time that I actually started seeking God for myself, albeit slowly. Even when I was small, people would always say I had an anointing and ask me to pray for them. Even now to this day this happens; people who would’t know I’m a Christian ask me to pray for them. “Your prayers really work.” If they don’t ask me to pray for them, they tell me how my presence is just so wonderful (which is why I am the CORE Elixir, but that is another story lol) This was also a time when I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. Let me just say that was not a good time in my life, and it was a secret for a long time. I’m going to leave it at that. I also experimented with girls then. I had a rule: girls were for fun, men were for relationships, and if you had a threesome with someone you couldn’t start dating them.
Anyways, throughout high school and most of my first year of college I was mad promiscuous. I've had somewhere around 40 sexual partners...men I've had actual vaginal sex with. Don't know how much I have had just sexual contact with. I struggled with porn and masturbation for the longest...especially after I rededicated my life. That’s a trip isn’t it?
The end of my first semester of my freshman year at Howard, I was tired. Tired of not trusting people, tired of all the men, tired of being alone, tired of getting into deep depressions. I attended ANQ Bible study on the regular and it was at one of these Bible studies that I just broke down. Two of the members (Brittany Bibb and Brann Poe) prayed over me. And that night I really gave my life to Christ and decided I was going to live for Him. It was not easy, however. I had some attitudes and such that hadn’t been renewed yet; my mind hadn’t been renewed. I could still pop off when I got really upset, although by nature it takes a lot to make me mad like that. And I was addicted to porn and masturbation, I used to do it at least 3x a week. I didn't know how to deal with how I was used to getting my high, I guess, so it was hard for me to break loose from that.
So let us fast forward. I haven’t masturbated or watched porn for a good while. My mind is renewed on that and many other things. I really am living one day at a time, addressing things as they come, and living for my God.
Then, I attend Campus Harvest in Durham last spring. It was incredible. Saturday, during the concert, when they asked who wanted to be water baptised, I didn't think I should. I remember something (the Holy Spirit of course!) telling me to go up there, and me arguing back saying, I have already been baptised. Then, when they asked to be baptised in the Holy Spirit, I remembered raising my hand. The thing is, I never really heard about being "baptised" in the Holy Spirit. I know about being filled in the Holy Spirit. After I was saved, I realized the difference between salvation and sanctification. Salvation is when you confess your sins, believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and bam! You are saved! Because He died to save us. But sanctification is the process of actually living for God, knowing what is right and walking in Him. You can be saved and not sanctified. I thought that the process of sanctification and being led/filled with the Holy Spirit was the same thing. I truthfully believe that before Saturday, there were times when I could hear the Holy Spirit, where I let it lead me, where I felt Its Presence. And of course I had. But had I been totally immersed in it (which is what baptism means, all of yall)? I wasn't really letting it govern my life totally, I had to admit. I hadn't been baptized in it. One of the Saturday sessions I went to was "ministering in the gifts of the Holy Spirit," and it was no accident because that was when I first heard this phrase of Holy Spirit baptism. I could remember being really young and wanting to feel/have this thing that they were explaining in this session, and not even knowing what it was! So back to the concert, I raised my hand, and the woman prayed over us. As she prayed I prayed with her. The concert resumed but I kept praying. Then I heard, or felt, that I should kneel, and I remember not wanting to. I refused to. Then this pressure came on me and I had to kneel, I just had to. I kept praying and I just felt this presence, this pressure. Then as I started praying out loud, I knew the words I was saying (in my head and that should be coming out), but thats not what I heard coming out. Then I shut up. I mean, my mouth kept going and words kept coming out but my mind shut up and God just started speaking to me. Telling me who I was in Him, what He wants me to do right now in my life, and just healing me. I couldn't help but cry because it hurt--well, not really hurt but it was so so so overwhelming. But He knew I needed it. I was overwhelmed yet overflowing.
I thought I had gotten healed from all of these things, the guilt, the pain, everything, that I was good. I realize though, although the guilt has finally finally actually gone, the pain is still there. I realize it when I can't trust people. When I'm wary of anyone wanting to do summin for me. When I don't really be open to women and men alike. When I ignore my father's phone calls. Especially when I think of my wedding and I know that I don't want him to walk me down the aisle. When I had an emotional breakdown, withdrew from school, and started counseling (where I was diagnosed with depression, go figure). So it’s still an ongoing process. I’m still renewing my mind and heart. A lot of people who know me will be shocked to hear all this about me, but I believe it will touch someone. I also believe that, as in Phillipians 1:6, “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” I won’t be complete until I am formed in His image. Sanctification and holiness is a process; we are slowly being made like Him and until then I am not complete. I am, however, holy, because I am His precious daughter and my past just reaffirms that truth.
This is actually a brief, not too deep, testimony. I didn't mention things about emotions, major illnesses, family issues, college financial issues, etc on here. It's too much to say. But if you want to talk more, feel free to contact me. I love you all.
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