terror

sometimes, we get scared of things. i mean, life is scary. but earlier this semester, when i was takin my theory class, my professor lamented how youth today dont recognize the importance of words. that stuck wit me. i use words sometimes that have deep meanings, but i use them on trivial stuff. so i was thinking about the word terrified. ive used it on occasion. but in thinkin back over my life, i can see there have only been about 5 instances where i was actually absolutely terrified.

the reason i was thinkin about this because two of the incidents have happened recently.

the first three instances where i was terrified were...the first time i saw the look in my fathers eye where i knew he was out of his mind [after that 1st incident, when i saw it, i was scared, but not terrified. i had gotten used to it i guess and accepted whatever the end result was gonna be]...the time he ran after the car when my mama was driving away with us to get out, and he managed to open the passenger door and almost pulled my sister out, i had some irrational thoughts then, that we would never escape him, that he would take her hostage, that he would fall under the wheels of the car; but he let go and we left (only to come back later)...and that day in that room, when every trace of naivete inside of me was lost; that second when all the boys surrounded me and i realized what was happening, that it wasnt a joke or a dream [ive actually been in other situations after that time, but i never was terrified, i guess because i felt like the worst had been done, plus by that time, i was the one manipulating everything].

and the last two. about a month ago when i went to the center to do the intake process for counseling. and this past week, my very first counseling session.

you may say that thats no reason to be terrified. then you dont know me.

sitting in a room, looking at a woman who doesnt know me, asking me questions.

i was terrified. i recognized the feeling. i was shakin involuntarily, i could hear my heart pounding, felt it speeding up, i was sweating...i could see myself in my minds eye. clenching my hands between the thighs of my crossed legs, not letting any emotion show in my face. not lookin the woman in the eye. not lookin at her directly period. not being able to get my thoughts together, not being able to breath freely.

i dont know why, i was so terrified, both times. of what? that we shall see....

both times i had a headache leaving. this was supposed to ease stress and tension, yet it created more.
that first session, i realized a whole lot about myself that i dont ever wanna see.

idk if its gonna get easier to talk. i dont feel like it is. its gonna hurt my heart and my head every time. in the end, i hope it helps. but for right now, just thinkin about going on wednesday, im getting anxious.

i havnt thought about anything we discussed (during counseling) since last wednesday right after the session [when i broke down]. i cant handle a breakdown everyday. maybe one day it wont be so many things to address, so many issues, so many feelings. but until then, i have to work. so i dont think about it.
idk if thats good for me or not, but what i do know is i cant handle business when i do think about it. and the fact is, i dont have the luxury of being able to think about it--my life goes on and i still have things that need to get done. so idk what to do, or how all this is gonna work out, i just know at the end of 6 months i have to be done, healed, and ready or...or what? i cant restart my life like this, thats what.

if only i was rich and stuff and could afford to just take time off to work thru my issues and come back fine.
and now im crying. i have to step back and stop thinking.