anyways. she asked me last time to write "what a happy DeAnna looks like." smch. how the hell am i supposed to know, if i knew i would have laid a successful plan to get there already, now wouldnt i? anyways, this is what i wrote [this was last week. i was sick this week and so i didnt go yesterday. i think maybe i should have regardless, but im still feeling bad now and i have 2 trips to make in 2 days so . . . sigh]
"A happy DeAnna. Actually, I'd rather not answer this question. Not because I can't imagine it or put it into words. As I thought about it, a lot of things came to mind. Like, I'm a busy person and I like to stay active. I set big goals for myself. So this whole list of things I was thinking, it's a lot. Things I want to do every day, week, month; for myself and others. But then I thought, well what happens if all these things aren't accomplished/met? I'm a holistic person. If I don't get it all excellent, then it doesn't matter. So if all this crap doesn't happen, then, knowing myself, I will be sad because I wasn't living up to the 'happy' DeAnna I planned out. Because I plan and I make lists and they are bond. So I'd rather not do that now. I'd rather say, I want to be comfortable in myself, and I want to be content in any and every circumstance. Because in my perspective, life almost never goes right. And when it does go right, it doesn't go 'straight' right, it veers off to the left a little. So I just want to be happy regardless of circumstances because my circumstances are always bad/less desirable/conditions that other people are shocked people can stand. [for those of you who say otherwise, ive lived my life, you havent. ive heard you say that its all going to work out, only to witness it not work out the way you said it would. and i refuse to believe that the reason it didnt work out was because i 'didnt have enough faith' and bc it worked out for you means ur faith is better than mine. i believe that some ppl just have hard lives, faithful or not. some ppl are meant to be job, with life good, then hard, then good again. some people have good lives then they go hard til the end, and some ppl have lives that are hard PERIOD. in the end, we all win. in the end, we have JOY not bc things are joyful here on earth, but bc our souls are saved. thats what God gave that the world cant take away, that joy of certainty that no matter what, in the end, i have Jesus and we win. anyway. back to my therapy assignment.] I want to know who I am, be comfortable with that, not care who other people think I should be, and idk, just BE happy. Who cares what it looks like, so long as I'm there?"
my therapist says this means that i am submitting to the 'process.' idk what it means, other than i am tired and just want to be normal. have a job (that doesnt have to pay a lot but be enough), family, do ministry work. . . . cook clean dance. . . .and just do things without breaking down for no apparent reason or being overun by emotions. thats all i ask. happy?
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