[just some thoughts]

so last month my devotions were on humility and submission. and i learned a lot of things. like what i thought i knew about humility and submission, i really didnt know all that much.

for one thing, i was thinking of true submission. i would think that i would be a good wife because i know how to submit. but the things about that is, unless you know how to fully submit to God, you can't fully submit to anyone else, regardless if you trust that person and the Holy Spirit living in that person. and while i thought i was pretty good at submitting to God, i realized . . . im not.

check this. if you are in a war, and the other side totally tears you apart, at the end of the battle, you dont say "well, we submitted to them." NO, they beat your tail! you didnt wave a little white flag, you retreated at the end because you had no choice.

the same with my life. a lot of times i may say, o i submitted to God in [this area], but in the end, i really didnt. God pretty much blocked the way so that i had no other choice. He showed me in the beginning the best thing to do. but i wanted to go another way. so i kept going other ways until....the only way for me to go was God's way or totally lose who I am in Him. so i didnt submit. submission is me saying, I trust you and I choose your way. Not, well my way didnt work out so here i am Lord. do you get it? i hope i am explaining it well enough.

now humility. let me tell you. i have been told that i am humble. so much that after a while, i was proud of my humility. lol what an oxymoron.
but ppl thought i was humble just bc i was accepting and understanding of where ppl were at. because i have been on the bottom rung a lot. i have experienced things. i have had mindsets that seem crazy to other ppl, esp Christians. and i can still relate deeply to most ppl i meet. i was humble bc i could remember where i was and frankly, i can see where i still am and i dont think im all that good. then i read this little quote:

"Being humble is not a matter of pretending to be worthless, but is a form of realism, not only regarding the real badness of one's sins and stupidities and the real depth of one's dependence on God's grace, but also regarding the real range of one's abilities. Humble believers know what they can and cannot do. They note both their gifts and their limitations, and so are able to avoid both the unfaithfulness of letting their God-given powers lie fallow and the foolhardiness of biting off more than they can chew."
- J.I. Packer, A Passion for Faithfulness: Wisdom From the Book of Nehemiah

i wasnt pretending to be worthless, but i thought i was. and not only did i think i was, i was mad at other ppl for it! and i was smug at those ppl who judged others bc i was like, if only they knew how worthless they are.

im still dealing with that.

and submission. in order to truly submit, you have to have that quiet space where you can hear the Spirit's voice. because how can you submit if you dont even know what is being said?