just listen

i was reading this book a while back entitled "how to love yourself when you dont know how." [even if you know that you love yourself, its still a very interesting read.]

one thing that i love about reading is that it can take you to another world, it can show you things you didnt even know you know. [plus you get to learn random facts and enhance your vocabulary lol.] so its probably because i love books that God choose to reveal particular things to me in this way [bc im too hard headed to hear it otherwise].

i never knew that i needed healing simply because i didnt admit that anything was wrong. i didnt think anything was wrong really. because i didnt allow my past to interfere with my present, i thought i was good. i even felt kinda proud when people who knew me and a lot of my story told me that i was strong, that id moved on, that its amazing that i didnt allow my past to color my present interactions.

oh were we all wrong.

i was reading this book and there was a section on sexual abuse. i felt okay reading it. until i got to this section that says "indications a person may have been sexually abused as a child."

and my world just crumbled. i cried silent tears, the most painful kind, as i read things that pertained to me. and as i read my spirit just told me exactly how these things manifested in my life and why they manifested the way they did.

and then God talked to me.

it was a process in my healing. it hurt, but you know how when you get hurt really bad, sometimes the things that save you also hurt you. Alcohol, needles, the itch of healing--they all are uncomfortable. but at the end you are alive with no infections.

the truth was, i was alive. but i was slowly dying from infection. it was so deep inside no one could see it. i didnt even see it. it was silent. but God knows all.

i read something the other day from an email devotional i get:

"Life is full of tests. There are a series of tests through the years of formal education. A test is required to receive a learner’s permit—then a driver’s license. There are personality tests, vision tests, hearings tests and blood tests. There are tests of endurance in mountain climbing, mental tests for marathon runners and tests for alcohol intake. Like it or not—tests measure current progress—and they are an indicator of future direction.
More specifically, the Christian life is a series of divine tests. These are moments along our path of faith that our Heavenly Father wants to reveal to us what’s really in our heart. This raw revelation can be rewarding or it can be a reality check of regression. Either way His tests are meant to motivate us forward in a step of growth in grace and love."

God tests sometimes to reveal to us where we are. He already knows our hearts, even the parts that we dont know. And sometimes we need to be shown that.

In order for me to seek help i had to realize that i needed help.
In order for me to grow i have to first know my areas that need growth.

Sometimes i hear it from quiet reflection with God. Sometimes i hear it from study and devotion. Sometimes i hear it from prayer, either mines or others. Sometimes i hear it from advice from friends and wise counsel. Sometimes i hear it from debates and sermons. And sometimes i hear it from random places, like bird song...or a book.

what im saying is realize that you arent perfect, and you will never get there. the Word says [in several places and in several ways, check out the left column, altho i was thinkin of a particular scripture when i first wrote this] that we are continually being transformed, bit by bit, into His image until the day He comes back. that lets me know that there will always be something for me to work on.

and that i should always be listening.

Speak to us of Love

When Love beckons to you follow Him, though His ways are hard and steep.
And when His wings enfold you, yield to Him; though the sword hidden may wound you.
Though His voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as Love crowns you so shall He crucify you. Even as He is for your growth so is He for your pruning.
Even as He ascents to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall He descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn He gathers you unto Himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant.
And then He assigns you to His sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall Love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only Love's peace and Love's pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of Love's threshing floor into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter; and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives nothing but itself and takes nothing but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; for Love is sufficient unto Love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not that you can direct the course of Love, for Love directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must have desires, let these be your desires:

To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love and to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heard and give thanks for another day of loving; to rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; to return home at eventide with gratitude; and then to sleep with a prayer in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Excerpt from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

my room, my life

There's this saying that the status of your room reflects the status of your life. its kinda ridiculous, but ive found that it is kind of true...

when im hecka busy, my room has clothes and toiletries in different places simply because i do not have the time to put stuff back as im rushing in and out...

when i have things in order, everything is placed very deliberately in my room...


and i just thought about this today, as i looked around my room. it really reflects how i feel about my life right now.

my room is in a state of transition. im in the process of remodeling you could say, making a different theme, bringin in new items and taking out old things, reordering where everything goes.

and my life right now is in a state of transition.

like my room, there are areas that are totally finished. they are clean, organized, decorated, and staged so they are pleasant to the eye. in my life, there are areas i have worked on that i feel are organized, that im doing well and am on track with.

then there are areas that are partially done. im waiting on a piece of furniture, or a little more time to put things together that i like. just like some areas in my life. i know what i want to do and how i want to do it, i have a clear vision for it, but im just waiting for that one confirmation, that one action, that right time.

there are things that i have thrown out bc they no longer help me, maybe never were useful. and there are things that ive kept bc i need them. things ive kept bc they remind me of things. and things ive kept bc i just cant let them go just yet [even if i need to].

and alas, there are areas that are a plain ol' mess. i know how and why the mess got there but i have no idea what to do about it. i cant even clean it bc there is no place to put the things away, and i really dont know when, how, or where i could get what i need. just like my life...these areas that i see are a HOT MESS, so tangled, hurt, broken, yet i dont know what to do about it. i cant visualize the solution.

HOWEVER, unlike this area in my room, where i know why it is like it is, but dont know when, how, or where i could get what i need, that is not the case in my life. i know why things are the way they are, and i know when and how to get them right....actually, the where is a WHO. when? now. how? reach out. and WHO?

My God.

no thats not an exclamation. or it is. it is the answer, and it is the exclamation.

im a mess. but arent we all?

now just turning to God is not going to make my mess instantly organized, the items i need may not come falling out of the sky in the instant of prayer. but as i get closer and closer to Him, i receive peace. i can stand in the midst and my mind isnt frazzled. i can even sleep in the midst [in the case of my room, i actually do sleep in the midst of the 3 loads of laundry that have yet to be folded and put away in the imaginary dresser i do not have lol]. i can have hope that one day it will be neat and organized, my mind my emotions my spirit my health.

its not easy to go to God everyday and not feel anything and then when youre done everything is still the same [especially if youre a feel person, like me]. but it does pay off. the more disciplined i am and the more regularly i spend time with God, the easier it is to feel His Presence.

i cant wait for the day where i can feel Him with me, always, at all times.

until then, i am steadfast in cleaning up my room! no matter how long it takes.

knowing

then i saw the sign...

I love IHOP.

The other day, some of my friends and I were going to IHOP for brunch. My ace boo I was riding with didn't know her way around DC that well, so I had to give her directions. Since I wanted to get there first (did I mention that I love IHOP?), I decided to take her the way I knew was the shortest.

We got to a light and without looking up I said "Turn left here." (I was having a very important texting conversation.) She started to stammer, and I was like "Well, what is it?"

She replied, "I don't think you can turn left here."

I looked up. "Of course you can turn left here! People do it all the time." At that moment the light turned green and as we waited for a chance to turn, someone in a car beside us screamed "You can't turn left!" as they passed by.

Then I saw the sign.

It was directly in front of me. Huge. The left turn sign with a line through it and under it lettering: "NO LEFT TURNS."

"Uhhh...I think we havta go straight."

As we went an alternate route, the standard route that people usually take, I started thinking. Isn't it funny how when you know something, nobody can tell you it's wrong? Because when you "know" something, you KNOW you know it, right? No matter what friends try to point out to you, no matter what others have to say about the subject, and regardless of the signs right in front of you, you deny the obvious because you know the answer.


I think that this applies to so much in our life. as one of my boos [unplugged] says "theres a word in there somewhere, somebody!" And it happens to me more than I like. When I think I know summin, I don't listen until I get knocked upside the head [usually by God. I'm hardheaded]. But Imma apply this to the discipline I'm still studying...which is study. Bible study to be exact.

I think this analogy applies to how some people view the Bible. Because the Bible was written so long ago, many people, including believers, suffer with seeing it's relevance today.

I believe that God has many facets. Think about it: If we all are a reflection of Him and are His masterpieces, how crazy diverse must God be? Everyone is different, yet everyone is a reflection of Him. So how dare we put Him or His Word in this box of what we know? The same passage could mean something different each time you read it. Just because you read it before doesn't mean that you know what it's saying...what if it's a different reflection this time?

You have to keep an open mind and an open heart to get beyond the surface and receive what's meant for you. Having the right mindset can allow you to get a revelation from the Word of God that having a closed one would not have allowed.

I read this the other day:

In order to “dig in” to the Bible, we need to spend time with it. Rushed reading is the enemy of deep understanding. When Ezra read the Book of the Law to the Israelites, he started early in the morning and continued until noon to give the people plenty of time to absorb God’s truth (Nehemiah 8). We too need principles buried in the Bible.

Once we carve out some reading time, we need to give God’s Word our full attention. When Ezra started to read, “all the people listened closely”. Like the Israelites, we need to concentrate on the Bible’s content. Switch off the TV! Remove the earbuds! Turn off the cell phone! It’s okay to disconnect from the world in order to connect with God.

Connecting with God through the pages of the Bible comes from understanding its content. After Ezra’s reading, the Levites “clearly explained the meaning” to the Israelites. Today we can consult commentaries and Bible notes, or visit church leaders for help in grasping God’s Word and applying it to our lives.

If you find yourself just skimming Scripture out of habit or obligation, here’s a challenge. Schedule some uninterrupted time with God’s living Word (Heb. 4:12). Strive for understanding—dig in! Like the Israelites, you may weep when the words reach your soul. But you may also “celebrate with great joy” when you read and understand the Bible.

— Jennifer Benson Schuldt

Today, open your mind and your heart. Read, talk to your friends, hear what others have to say, and pay attention to the signs. You never know what God has to tell you through His word. It may be precisely the thing you needed.

still here

well. i havent written in a long time. not bc i had nothing to say. had plenty to say. just been workin workin workin on a lot of diff things [you kno me, gotta hustle. plus do the extra  to the utmost]. anyways.

i have been writing a lot of posts in my head tho. some im gonna actually write, some imma let float into oblivion. so excuse me if a plethora of posts pop up over the next few weeks. imma get em out so i have room to come up with more...

some things will be personal, some things will be general. some things of course will be inspirational or u kno, the devotional stuff i like that make you think and question. there will be a few rants and maybe some craziness [i just read every post ive ever done, and its a lot of craziness]. there will also be some updates on my life: my adventures, hustles, partnerships, business crap...

above all this [...i wish you love...lol had to do it] above all this, it will be me.


for those of you who have read my stuff before, you know the reason i started writing--bc i was going thru a rough season or whatever you wanna call it. still am. but i think imma just continue to do this bc...well bc its good to get thoughts out. my road dog told me to be careful what i post. and i think thats a good idea. but also, i want to post a lot of things, even if they are personal, bc you never know how they can help someone out. its nice to know that someone you kno, not this theoretical person [this stranger] went thru similar situations or feelings. or even just to kno that someone can make it thru. many ppl have told me that various posts, personal and not personal, have helped them. and the fact that i can get release by writing makes me realize ill continue to write.

so ill be writing...