one thing that i love about reading is that it can take you to another world, it can show you things you didnt even know you know. [plus you get to learn random facts and enhance your vocabulary lol.] so its probably because i love books that God choose to reveal particular things to me in this way [bc im too hard headed to hear it otherwise].
i never knew that i needed healing simply because i didnt admit that anything was wrong. i didnt think anything was wrong really. because i didnt allow my past to interfere with my present, i thought i was good. i even felt kinda proud when people who knew me and a lot of my story told me that i was strong, that id moved on, that its amazing that i didnt allow my past to color my present interactions.
oh were we all wrong.
i was reading this book and there was a section on sexual abuse. i felt okay reading it. until i got to this section that says "indications a person may have been sexually abused as a child."
and my world just crumbled. i cried silent tears, the most painful kind, as i read things that pertained to me. and as i read my spirit just told me exactly how these things manifested in my life and why they manifested the way they did.
and then God talked to me.
it was a process in my healing. it hurt, but you know how when you get hurt really bad, sometimes the things that save you also hurt you. Alcohol, needles, the itch of healing--they all are uncomfortable. but at the end you are alive with no infections.
the truth was, i was alive. but i was slowly dying from infection. it was so deep inside no one could see it. i didnt even see it. it was silent. but God knows all.
i read something the other day from an email devotional i get:
"Life is full of tests. There are a series of tests through the years of formal education. A test is required to receive a learner’s permit—then a driver’s license. There are personality tests, vision tests, hearings tests and blood tests. There are tests of endurance in mountain climbing, mental tests for marathon runners and tests for alcohol intake. Like it or not—tests measure current progress—and they are an indicator of future direction.
More specifically, the Christian life is a series of divine tests. These are moments along our path of faith that our Heavenly Father wants to reveal to us what’s really in our heart. This raw revelation can be rewarding or it can be a reality check of regression. Either way His tests are meant to motivate us forward in a step of growth in grace and love."
God tests sometimes to reveal to us where we are. He already knows our hearts, even the parts that we dont know. And sometimes we need to be shown that.
In order for me to seek help i had to realize that i needed help.
In order for me to grow i have to first know my areas that need growth.
Sometimes i hear it from quiet reflection with God. Sometimes i hear it from study and devotion. Sometimes i hear it from prayer, either mines or others. Sometimes i hear it from advice from friends and wise counsel. Sometimes i hear it from debates and sermons. And sometimes i hear it from random places, like bird song...or a book.
what im saying is realize that you arent perfect, and you will never get there. the Word says [in several places and in several ways, check out the left column, altho i was thinkin of a particular scripture when i first wrote this] that we are continually being transformed, bit by bit, into His image until the day He comes back. that lets me know that there will always be something for me to work on.
and that i should always be listening.
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