way deeper

did i ever mention that i dont trust easily?

yesterday i was walking down a neighborhood street to the bank. i stopped at a crosswalk at the same time that a man in a car [a very nice car] stopped at the intersection. he glanced over at me then looked back at me. Since I didnt know anyone in this neighborhood yet i walked thru it often [and ppl frequently said "hi" to each other] i thought nothing of it when he said hi. i said hello back with a smile. then he asked me for my name.

Me: *blank stare* wha?
Him: how u doin?
Me: fine
Him: so whats your name?
Me: im not telling you my name. you're a stranger in a car.
Him: what if i get out? i guess ill be a stranger walking then, huh?
Me: exactly *walks across street*
Him: *creeping next to me slowly in his car [creep]* so hows this wednesday been treating you?
Me: *side eye* im walkin in the rain with no umbrella. but im smiling so i guess its ok *crosses the street in front of his car and glares*
Him: *wavering smile* well...have a nice day, miss lady
Me: you too *beams*

i dont like encounters like these. they actually happen to me pretty frequently [bc i am gorgeous. lol actually simply bc im a woman]. a strange man, scruffy or clean, tries to "get to know me." but they dont want to get to know me really. when you see a woman on the street who is a stranger, you just see her, you dont see her. you see someone so attractive to you physically [bc thats all u can see of me right now] that you have to know her name...and id rather not that be the start of a relationship.

dont get me wrong, i know LOTS of my friends and acquaintances who met their boyfriends at some chance meeting on the street, in the store, etc.  note that i said boyfriends. also note that at least half my friends/acquaintances are married or engaged, and i did not say husbands or fiances. and im waiting for a husband, not another boyfriend. so id rather not...

my point is, i would rather you have to get to know me bc youre attracted to my character, my spirit, my life. beauty changes [bc my beauty dont/wont fade, boo]. dont get me wrong, i want my husband to be attracted to me from the moment he sees me [and be able to tell me that in detail, at the right time]. but i also want a man of such character that he wont just approach a woman in the street bc she looks good. i want someone whos already my friend and who really gets to know me before trying to bring something romantic in the mix. that makes it real intentional. and thats how i know its sincere. bc if you feeling me after you know some things about me, i know that has to be real love.

now i know that this is gonna cause me to delay any type of relationship that would lead to marriage. as i do nothing but eat, sleep, and go to work and church, there is very little opportunity for me to meet, interact, and get to know men. [all the men at my job are gay, and the other side hustles i do dont require me to leave my house]. im on a tight budget so i dont just "go out with friends." frankly, except for a few friends from high school (who dont live in DC), all my male friends/acquaintances are in ANQ and . . . [yeah if you know me, yeah. couldnt do that]

so how do i feel about this? well, i feel like i like to control things. but after God brought all of this to my attention, i realized that along with everything else in my life, i have to give this to Him and trust Him fully with it [not that ive given everything to God yet. aint there quite yet]. i cant trust myself bc id end up being single and miserable forever [bc i dont trust ppl, especially men, easily. and id rather not be with you than be unsure about being with you]. and maybe God is showing me [with the fact that i know no men basically] that i need to get this part of my life in order before i get into a relationship. which i knew already. i dont like going into things a mess, which i am right now...but ill always be some kind of a mess, ill never be perfect [which hurts to say].

i just have to trust that He will also show me when im ready. bc if it was up to my perfectionist self, id never be ready, id keep putting it off bc "oh theres one more thing i have to work on before ill be good for anyone." which begs the question, do i think im good for anyone? well, someone maybe, someday...

this just went way deeper than i meant to go. [reflection time]