cleansing

i cried last night, and they were cleansing tears.

so i had this conversation wit my road dog [yes, for those of you who know] about a certain person. now i thought the person did not like me. and he was giving me evidence that she did care about me. and i cried. not only bc i truly felt like she liked me, but bc i was releasing something.

i tend to project my issues onto other people. i realized that last night. now, why did i think this person did not like me? the reasons all stemmed from my issues:

1. intimidation: i viewed this person as someone who had control over her life. she seemed to have things going like she wanted and was stable. and bc i saw her like that, i assumed that she would expect the same out of other ppl....and i felt like my life was so NOT together so i just assumed she would look down on me.

2. previous experience: most girls, in my early experience, did not like me. i thought it was me...but really it was them. all my early friends i either heard, saw, or read them talking about me behind my back. and altho i didnt know it at the time, it was bc of jealousy. i wouldnt think that, bc why would they be jealous of me? i was always the smartest person [until i went to the louisiana school, and i finally felt normal] and i hung around dudes. all the boys liked me...as a friend lol. bc my brother was my best friend growing up and i was just drawn to boys [who always got me to hook them up with other girls]. i guess they just saw me hanging with their men and was mad

3. my issues: i know what my past is like. i know what my insides are like. and bc i thought this person knew things about me that weren't so desirable, i could not see how she could still like me knowing these things. of course, i see past peoples' pasts, etc. into their hearts, so why cant i allow others to do the same for me? why cant i allow myself to be loved?

so i cried. bc i realized that this is something i do. and realization and admitting it are the first steps. and then i let it go. i cant project that onto other people. i have to let myself be liked. i have to let myself be loved.

then, in this same conversation, i told my road dog that some of his comments were patronizing! now, mind you, this man was helping me A LOT. but my feelings were a lil bit hurt, and why? bc of me projecting my past onto him:

1. intimidation: someone asking a lot of questions about my decision to do something reminds me of sitting down being questioned by my father. having to sit still on the couch while he asked questions [that when i answered were just shot down]. then i was told how i was stupid and nobody, and maybe got hit. sometimes extensive questioning brings back a whisper of that feeling.

2. previous experience: for as long as i can remember, people have assumed that im not smart. then when they get a glimpse of what i know and what i can do, they are shocked. but it upsets me that i look like i dont understand. when someone is explaining something to me that i already know, i feel like they are just tellin me bc they think im stupid. no, they are telling me bc they are concerned and they dont know if i know. how can they know that unless i tell them? not snap at them for telling me and trying to help me

3. my issues: i dont like feeling helpless, i mentioned that before. and so i am fiercely independent to make sure i dont feel that way. that makes me resistant to people helping...and is not a good quality to have.

just typing this gave me some release.

its all a journey to being a more stable, more whole deanna. as my gchat status says:
Je veux juste etre aime . . . et je suis, quand je l'accepte (ouvrir les yeux, le recevoir et de Lui permettre de m'adore)

[go here if you want to know what it means haha translate it] 

pastpresentfuture

[i wrote this a while back...its prob the only creative type writing thing ill post, bc i keep most of it close]

I WAS
     alone
     lowly and worthless
     stressed
     confused and broken
     caught up in my own desires and views

I AM
     confident
     forgiven and delivered
     loved
     chosen and fighting
     learning to step back from my mirror and view myself as He sees me
     consistently growing

I WILL BE
     anointed
     disciplined
     fully obedient
     radiant with His glory

10/2008

on my heart

i just need to get this out of my system, bc i feel like i need to share it. i was listening to summin, and the speaker mentioned romans 2. now when people mention scripture, i always go and read it. and this certain chapter was very interestin to me, especially since ive had quite a few conversations lately about this. so im just gonna post a lot of the chapter here and share my thoughts. [the links are to give you background or more extensive/clear information, so please check those out as well if you really want to understand].

btw, i am not including some verses, not bc im hiding anything, but bc paul is rather redundant, he likes to say the same thing in more than one verse. if you dont believe me, go read the entire chapter yourself.

Romans 2
God’s Judgment of Sin

1-11 You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things. And we know that God, in his justice, will punish anyone who does such things. Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgment when you do the same things? Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?

But because you are stubborn and refuse to turn from your sin, you are storing up terrible punishment for yourself. For a day of anger is coming, when God’s righteous judgment will be revealed. He will judge everyone according to what they have done. He will give eternal life to those who keep on doing good, seeking after the glory and honor and immortality that God offers. But he will pour out his anger and wrath on those who live for themselves, who refuse to obey the truth and instead live lives of wickedness. There will be trouble and calamity for everyone who keeps on doing what is evil—for the Jew first and also for the Gentile. But there will be glory and honor and peace from God for all who do good—for the Jew first and also for the Gentile. For God does not show favoritism. [that all speaks for itself...dont hold one sin higher than another. you who gossip will be judged the same as the ho, excuse my mandarin. and its gonna be a ripe day of judgment if you dont repent, which means not only regret but turn away from, your sins...of course we are sinful beings, but read on to see what i believe about this conundrum]

 ^13-16 For merely listening to the law doesn’t make us right with God. It is obeying the law that makes us right in his sight. Even Gentiles, who do not have God’s written law, show that they know his law when they instinctively obey it, even without having heard it. They demonstrate that God’s law is written in their hearts, for their own conscience and thoughts either accuse them or tell them they are doing right. And this is the message I proclaim—that the day is coming when God, through Christ Jesus, will judge everyone’s secret life. [even the demons agree that God is God, but that doesnt mean they follow Him. merely believing in God does not make you a follower. also, i think it is interesting that paul says even if you dont know God, you know His law...bc your conscience convicts you]

¹⁷ You who call yourselves Jews are relying on God’s law, and you boast about your special relationship with him. ^25-29 The Jewish ceremony of circumcision has value only if you obey God’s law. But if you don’t obey God’s law, you are no better off than an uncircumcised Gentile. And if the Gentiles obey God’s law, won’t God declare them to be his own people? In fact, uncircumcised Gentiles who keep God’s law will condemn you Jews who are circumcised and possess God’s law but don’t obey it.

For you are not a true Jew just because you were born of Jewish parents or because you have gone through the ceremony of circumcision. No, a true Jew is one whose heart is right with God. And true circumcision is not merely obeying the letter of the law; rather, it is a change of heart produced by God’s Spirit. And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people.

[i believe that you dont go to hell bc of your sins, but bc of your sin. the sin of not accepting Christ and of not saying yes to His will, continuously seeking out His individual, personalized plan for your life and developing a relationship with Him. Jesus is everyone's Savior, but is He your Lord?]

lately

so, many of you know i got a job. at making history, a store in union station, owned by this crazy man who owns a lot of these "regionally themed" [souvenir] stores. he is a very open, interesting, and naturally inquisitive man [also weird in a good way. eccentric. unorthodox. good words. my orange banana, if she ever met him, would like him bc he reminds me of her]. this explains why he asked me why i withdrew from howard, and in the middle of the conversation, i started crying.

uhoh. bad move, crying in a job interview, right?
but it wasnt.

he liked my honesty [as well as my intelligence, and i am sure my beauty. plus my other wonderful redeeming qualities]. and it just goes to show how just being yourself can pay off i guess...bc i was very much myself in the interview and he offered me the job at $9/hr and starting next week on the spot.

i spent the day out on union station enjoyin the sun, then went and hung out wit my neos. great day, great night.

then i came home and the bad thoughts came. actually, they came before i got home, i just postponed them until then. i saw mudeas big happy family, and at the end, they discuss this family rape...and it amazes me how just hearing that word causes a physical reaction in me. even just thinking it causes my heart to beat faster, my ears to be more perceptive, i have an urge to glance around, i feel my insides heat up a lil...even if i dont show it on the outside.

but worse than the blood pounding in my heart is the feeling of pure helplessness. looking for a way out or a way to handle/control the situation and realizing that there is none. no way out but the pain of dealing with the resignation of getting what you deserve [even tho i know, logically, that deserve is not the word to use. but my emotions dont feel logically]. i NEVER want to feel that again.

but thats impossible. im going to feel helpless. and when i do start feelin that way, idk, im not myself anymore. not the deanna i know or want to be. i turn into this deanna that ive been for the past like 6 months, barely coherent just bc of the craziness of life and the fact that im helpless against it. plus, its kinda in the life of a christian to be helpless in your own strength, right? so of course as i grow in faith i deal with this issue of control, needing to know everything, trusting...and the bad thoughts.

actually, i been noticing that i have sad, lonely, depressing, angry, hurt,  upset, [etc. that i just qualify as "bad"] thoughts frequently...but i try to move away from them and/or be active as much as i can to distract them.

things are looking up, and i dont have time to be looking down, or back....

but the tears are always lurking right beneath the surface.

[ok im adding this note later in the game...maybe i shouldnt distract them, but face them head on...but im scared to do that bc i dont wanna get lost in them. im scared to think them out bc of where they can go. still working on how to actually make them less intense and less frequent, bc i know i will feel bad sometimes...it just shouldnt overwhelm me]

all christians sin, baby

today i was with some of my beacon sisters, and a topic came up that im sure most of my friends can relate to. we were discussing feeling pressure to be perfect, bc people are looking to us to be a certain way and with certain expectations bc we are openly dedicated to truly following God. so when we mess up, we feel this burden of guilt, and if we arent messing up at the moment, we know we are going to and there is that pressure...

and it was curious, bc my devotional today was about that. and i had a long conversation with one of the besties about it late late last night [or early in the morning i should say].

how do we handle moments where we mess up openly? when we have damaged the Kingdom in the eyes of our friends, family, onlookers? when we have dishonored God in our actions and thoughts?

while we always mourn these moments and their consequences, we cant allow them to so consume us that we cease to be servants of God. satan not only delights in the moment of our failure, but also in the spiritual inactivity that sometimes we fall prey to in our remorse/guilt. when we have messed up our witness with iniquity, we are [and should rightly be] humbled and convicted. but we should not be consumed by guilt. we should not multiply the damage by retreating into silence and obscurity and thus ceasing to be ambassadors of Christ. we can move past failure.

we can learn from david after his humiliation in the bathsheba incident. although the consequences of that sin could not be avoided, he found his way back to a relationship with God that made it possible for him to continue to serve Him. he was a man after God's own heart even after the mess. we too can find our way back.

davids pattern in 2 samuel 12 serves us well:

1. declare our error candidly
2. seek God's forgiveness
3. ask God that others be spared the consequences of our actions
4. recognize that sometimes the consequences simply cannot be avoided and must be endured.

God forgives our sin completely to restore us to His presence and service. you will mess up many times, yet as long as you are walking in the Spirit, you will be forgiven and restored. so forgive yourself, recognize we all fall short, and keep it moving.

praise{break}

can i just take out a moment to have a praise{break}?

today i just randomly went to my online banking...which i do at least 2x a day, just to make sure im still in overdraft lol. and lo and behold, I HAVE MONEY!!!

im not one to rejoice so soon, but i feel like crying and my heart is leaping and i wanna dance. when i saw that my lips just kept saying "hallelujah God" over and over.

why, you say, do i say "im not one to rejoice so soon?"

well, bc its not a lot of money.  at all. HU finally paid me, and after overdraft charges im out of the red by a long shot, but its still not enough to cover all the expenses i have [which arent a lot, when i measure them to others expenses, but still, i dont have enough to cover everything]. then why am i so happy when the money is already spent and actually, ill probably be in overdraft in a week or so again?

bc right before i checked my account, i had finished a phone interview that ended with the manager scheduling an in-person interview for tomorrow.

man, im gonna cry. shoot, im already crying, who am i fooling?

lots of links

[currently watching the incredibles and gchatting with my 2 favorite SP11 neos...and i thank God bc i was being tempted so bad just a few minutes ago with lust but the simple pleasure of a cartoon brought me back to a sane state. i really am a child lol.]

but the reason for this post. i was thinking about JOY [though im supposed to be moving on to a new fruit] but i just had a few more things to say about joy, simply bc i feel myself gaining my joy slowly back. and bc i was reading "our daily bread" and it had a lot to say.

remember that post when i was talking about true joy to me, and how i was frustrated that people didnt understand that when i didnt seem optimistic, it didnt mean i was losing faith. i just think sometimes things dont work out. such as...lets look in the Bible. Paul told Timothy "I'm already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure is at hand." He was saying he was almost dried up, and he knew things weren't gettin better. Some could say that Paul had failed to accomplish his goals and was walkin in defeat. but he saw it as he had fought the good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith. we should praise God for His faithfulness, whether we are winning or losing.

it sometimes seems that we are wandering lost. i ask God all the time "how much more? how much longer? am i finally at that place i been yearning for?" but its the journey, not the destination, that is important to God. we all know the destination, right? its the journey that He uses to humble us, test us, show us what is in our hearts, and uses us to help others. its the journey that helps transform us day by day into His image.

i was saying before that people always claim these big blessings for me, but i never get them. i just get these small bail outs that seem more like infrequent drips from a leaky faucet rather than the floodgates opening. but in psalm 103 david reminds us that God forgives all our iniquities, heals us, redeems our lives from destruction, and showers us with lovingkindness. is that not a floodgate?

i mean, im a BIG sinner. the fact that God forgave me of all that is a huge floodgate!!! its like my mind is seeing this from the wrong perspective, like the Christians in Laodicea (in revelation) who were rich but in reality they were spiritually poor, blind, naked, and miserable. being truly rich comes by seeking what He only can provide: purity, character, righteousness, wisdom.

true wealth is not measured by what you have but by who you are in Christ.

direct quote " in order for plants to bloom, the soil has to be raked and turned over. God wants to loosen the things that can choke our lives and that prevent us from radiating joy. to do this, He sometimes has to allow pain and trouble--trials that help stir up the soil of our lives."

and the fact that He is still stirring up the soil of my life is something to be JOYFUL about.

release

last week i missed my therapy appointment. dont wanna talk about why...but i dont really like therapy anyways, for different reasons.
for one, i dont know what to call it...therapy, counseling...whatever...

and this week, i dont have an appointment bc shes gonna be out of town. and i guess...well, idk. i guess im writing bc i feel kind of lost.

i didnt want to start therapy, i dont like talking and not knowin the person im talkin to. but i did it bc i had to do something in/for my life. something drastic. and maybe some good will come out of it.

and it has. i feel more motivated to do something about my life. i feel like taking that step helped me to take other steps as well. even if i dont see what benefits have come out of talking....other than that it is nice to have somewhere to go just to ramble for an hour (or more like 45min) about my feelings and frustrations. [even if i feel that she doesnt fully understand or i dont like when she sometimes looks at me like she feels sorry for me or sometimes i dont like the things she says. plus i dont like being analyzed, and i dont like talkin about me and not knowin anything about you. i like sharing, which is a two way street.]

anyway, that little bit of time taken out to just release. thats what i look forward to, i guess you can say.

because i dont ever give myself time to really release. not the way i need to.

at times, i have pent up screams inside me that i can barely contain. tears that threaten to overflow.
dance used to be my release, and sometimes i do dance in my room, but i miss the discipline of structured dance.

im tryin to have my time with God every morning. its not the same as releasing the pent up scream thats inside of me, but maybe it will eventually release all the pressure. bc thats what i long for right now.

release.

onion

i wonder at who i used to be...and what i will become. but what i really wonder about is, who am i now? i dont think i ever will figure it out, simply bc i am so much. made of so much, wanting so much, i am just present, just me...complicated....

one day i was walkin to campus and i thought of this deep analogy/theory of what i am, how i view myself. it dealt with onions...and my life.

now some people may think im going to say that im like an onion bc i feel like im a many many layered person. but thats not the only reason. i cant remember all of my thoughts that day, but ill try to explain here. but first i have to talk about onions.

Onions are made up of a tunic of outer leaves (the brown layer), scales (the white firm juicy edible part), and the basal plate (often called the "hairy part" or the "root").

Onions make you cry because:

1. When you cut the basal plate or shoot, they release an enzyme.

2. That enzyme reacts in the rest of the onion to release a gas. (When that gas combines with water, it creates an acid.)

3. The gas reaches your eyes and reacts with the water that keeps them moist. This changes the chemical's form again, producing, among other things, a mild sulfuric acid, which irritates the eyes. The nerve endings in your eyes are very sensitive and so they pick up on this irritation (this is why our eyes sting when we slice onions).

4. The brain reacts by telling your tear ducts to produce more water, to dilute the irritating acid so the eyes are protected. And so you cry.

now, what most people see of me is my brown outer layer. i look like something you would want to buy, you kno...you want to be my friend. learn about me. hang out. a lot of people dont get past this first layer, even though it flakes off pretty easily if you just nudge it a little. but there are many leaves in this tunic, covering my rawness. but even tho there are many leaves, they are thin. because even tho i put up a rough front, that layer of me is shallow, barely covering my rawness.

but most people cannot eat an onion raw by itself, so i have to basically "cook" myself so that others can digest me, or pair myself up with something appetizing...you feel me?

then, there is the crying part. the deeper and deeper people get inside the real me, there is this curious thing that happens....its like the odor and irritation get stronger the more you cut the onion right? so when people are around my raw self for a long time, getting deeper and deeper for extended periods, the more they want to step back, take a break, or cry cry cry. [did i ever say how i dont like ppl crying over me, my past, or my situation? i know my life has been hard, or whatever, and you feel sympathy...but i dont like feeling pitiful. which is why i dont cry or gush over ppls situations in front of them. i help them in a practical way, or lend my ear, or pray wit them. i then go by myself and cry for them, prayin for them =/ ]

and eventually, if you go down deep enough [not many get to this level, if any] you will get to the basil plate or the roots, ugly and kinda hard. the harsh reality of DeAnna. all my strengths yet weaknesses, faults, wonder, emotions, confusion, twisted around each other. things most dont want to digest.

AND while going thru this whole process, youve either stepped back, stopped at a certain layer, cried so that your vision is warped, or asked for the cooked version. so you dont see ME at all, you see the deanna i have to give you or the one you create with nice elements that make me taste good. you see up to a certain layer, or you see part illusion, part fact...

and youve missed the "immature flower" part of me. [see diagram]. the part that is the active deanna, growing, maturing, flowering...ME in the midst.

and the interesting thing is, i dont cry when cutting real onions. go figure.

dont be stupid!

so, i realize i reference something that i havent fully explained yet. at the beginning of this year, i decided that i wanted to really get in deep with the 15 disciplines. background...i read this book years ago about 15 Christian disciplines. i wrote down notes from each chapter and discarded it. but this year, i want to be a more disciplined woman. i want to be serious about growing. i dont want to just dabble in a relationship with God, i want to keep my eyes fixed on Him, to listen and understand, to hear and obey.

so anyways, this book describes 15 disciplines in depth that Jesus practiced...and i think, if Jesus needed these disciplines, dont i need them too? not to look better to God, but to draw nearer to Him. utilizing these disciplines can [apparently]
-IMMERSE us in the life of the Kingdom
-BRING us to a place where we can enjoy full intimacy with God
-TRAIN us to live out the realities of the Kingdom
-STRENGTHEN us to withstand temptation
-NURTURE our spirits while we are on earth, physically separated from our Father
-WHET OUR APPETITIES for the satisfying things--things of God and realities of fellowship

so moving on, this actually has been a very very insightful practice. i paired up the disciplines i thought matched, and i am committed to meditating on them until i feel like i should move on. i also am taking a fruit of the Spirit and meditating on that as well.

so the first two disciplines i chose were humility and submission. [if you want to know a little bit about my personal insights into this, look here]. the first thing, which i liked, that the book talked about was a story about the Navajo Indians. when they were being taught english, they were told to say 'thank you.' there was no word equivalent to this in the Navajo language, so the english told them that it was like their word "asholdah." now, the problem with this was that, loosely translated, this word means "my life is in your hands." imagine, telling someone that they had your life because they simply passed you the salt! but, this word, "asholdah" should exemplify for us how we treat God. we should leave God to act for everything in our entire lives, puttin it all in His hands.

we should submit to God and submit to others. this means yielding our hopes and dreams to God, lettin go of misguided, selfish demands. also, submitting to others does not mean to let people walk over you, but it means to do all you can to keep the peace.

on humility: refuse to be demanding, on God and others. release your expectations of attention, time, money, and respect. people who believe that nothing is owed to them ever believe they are being mistreated. this means, realize that you dont deserve to get any of this! God is all and the creature is nothing. [this reminds me of something im currently reading. its a nonfiction book called Demon: A Memoir. it said something about humans thinking that the devil is the evil counterpart to God, the opposite of God, His nemesis. which is not true. because the creation cannot be equal to the creator. therefore satan cannot be the evil opposite to God, because God has no opposite. He is above all. God created lucifer, and as creator, He is always more powerful than him. which is why at the end, He prevails.

which brings me to the last point i was going to make, about the fruit of the Spirit. i was looking at JOY as the first of my fruit of the Spirits. if you want to know my thoughts about joy, check out this entry]

during this time, i have been tested on being truly humble, submitting to Gods will despite how i feel, and keeping my joy. and i have had so many revelations, but i feel that now its time to move on.
my next discipline is STUDY [one of the most well known disciplines] and my fruit of the spirit is PEACE. pray for me as i move on.

my last thoughts--allow yourself to be molded. and dont be stupid!

(proverbs 12:1-To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction.)

pieces

late afternoon i collapsed on my floor, screamed and cried. late night i cried in the shower. i tore in half. i contemplated self-harm. i threw up a little. i nursed a headache. i paced my room. i cried some more...

you say, you hurtin like you have lost your best friend.
i have.

and what most people wont understand is that it was a mutual decision based on love. it was a good decision, it was a God decision. because the fact of the matter is, my best friend should be unequivocally God. the first person i go to. my comforter. my sounding board. who i entrust with everything. God. not my road dog, no matter how great they may be.

sometimes, you have to enter the desert to go to the promised land. i was just reminded that tonight. [i hope that i can be open to receiving what i need so i dont be there long as the israelites] i may feel bereft because of this, my heart and head hurts, my spirit...but i need to draw nearer to God. i know that. and the way to draw nearer to Him is to remove those things that i am placing before Him. if your right eye offends, pluck it out.

most people dont readily grasp the concept that the "sinful" nature may not look like sin. we sure can recognize the devil when he tries to trick us, but we dont seem to notice when it is just our flesh. and things are natural...its natural at a certain age to start wantin those of the opposite sex, its natural to want to receive love, its natural to need people, its natural to eat, its natural to...but those natural desires are warped when they are put in the place of our relationship with God.

so this is a good decision. a God decision. one that was definitely not taken lightly.

but that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt more than anything ive ever experienced, and that is saying a lot.
but as i was hurting, i recalled Galations 6:8-9: Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time at the appointed season we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint.

still, it doesnt negate the hurt. but it makes it a little easier to fall asleep so i can move forward into tomorrow.

that victory walk

if an asthmatic is having an asthma attack, do you tell them "hey, just breathe right!"no, bc you know if they could breathe right, they would. bc who doesnt wanna breathe right? but i feel as if that is what people are telling me. im drowning and you tellin me to swim. well, if i knew how to do that, wouldnt i have swam to the shore already?

"just think of happy things." "dont do that." "dont say that." "well, dont feel that way." "walk in faith." "walk in victory." "suck it up." "dont feel sorry for yourself."

and the fact is, i know i shouldnt feel this way. but i do. so instead of telling me these things, all of which i already know, can someone please tell me how to FIX it?

actually, there is one thing i dont know. excuse my mandarin [why we gotta discriminate against the french? lol], but someone please let me know what the -h- "walk in victory" entails. i feel like i was asleep during that lesson in Christian 101. or i forgot the moves to the Victory Walk. bc we are quick to say that, but what does it really mean? dont feel troubled or dont cry over your situation or dont be disappointed or what?

apparently im not a true Christian bc i dont have this victory walk thing down. all i know is, i get up everyday and do what i have to do. sometimes i cry throughout the whole day. sometimes i wake up feeling torn apart. sometimes i wake up and i feel fine. sometimes i wake up and feel numb. but bc i dont wake up everyday shouting that today is my breakthru....[which i mean, i been waiting for a breakthru for most of my life. that big break hasnt come, contrary to what most of my friends have "claimed" for me, although some smaller ones have. and i am so grateful for those. but dont kill me if i roll my eyes when you say my breakthru is coming and im not gonna struggle like i been strugglin. there is too much going on in my life for tomorrow to be my breakthru. i already know its gonna take months/years for that to come, and its most likely gonna be a gradual, subtle thing. sorry to burst ur prophecy bubble].

so i dont wait each day in anticipation that this is the big day. no, i do what i gotta do and hope/pray/cry that it will come soon. frankly, im tired of the stress that comes with anticipation. the only thing i anxiously await for in anticipation is the day when i can be in His Presence. bc what if my life never evens out? id rather be realistic, do what i can with what i have. look for some healing. bc that is what is important.

no, i may not "walk in victory" the way some people want. i dont think that the best things are gonna happen to me bc i am a child of God. no, i may not get that grade, and i prob wont get that job. but does that make me faithless? my abundant life comes in the fact that i know that no matter what, He loves me and i am His. i would never give up on Him, even if i dont think He is going to do a specific thing for me or something wont work out. i simply make my plans, assess it critically, do what i can, and hope it succeeds. and if it doesnt...well it doesnt. that doesnt mean God isnt real, or that He has something better for me right around the corner or thru the next door [in reality, the something better could be down the next block, or in the next state. dont be so impatient.].

i may have my bad days now. i may feel hopeless now. but it is my goal to be content. i want to be able to be content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am. i want to learn how to live in any and all circumstances, learn the secret of facing every situation: whether well-fed or going hungry, having a sufficiency and enough to spar,e or going without and being in want.

i want to be ready for anything and be equal to anything through Him; for Him to infuse inner strength into me; my goal is to be self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency.

[maybe i didnt need Christian 101. maybe i just taught myself that victory walk.]

An Unquiet Mind

i just finished reading this book called "An Unquiet Mind." and it was great. I mean, it was great for what it was, but the reason I loved it was because I understood. this woman, although different from me, I could understand some of what she was feeling and felt that she would have understood me, if only she knew me lol.

see, the reason i keep most of me bottled up is because it hurts when i state how i feel and instead of understanding, ppl warp it. its not a relief to get it out, it causes more pain actually.

and i enjoyed this book bc i recognized the helplessness. the longing to want to know how to prevent it. the realization that it is uncontrollable.

maybe ill try to explain, bc i feel as if this is very confusing and vague. for some of you, it may get even more confusing.

but this morning i woke up and knew it was one of those days. not, "i got out the wrong side of the bed" day. but "everything is wrong" day. some days i wake up and its a struggle to even get out the bed. no, you dont understand. it doesnt matter how much sleep ive gotten the night before, i am still tired. not only tired, achy. it takes a long time for me to do anything. i feel weighed down. i wake up crying. i hate my life. its an effort to center my thoughts and get it moving. effort, strength that i barely have and dont know how i will survive my next bad day.

and the worst part is, i dont want to feel like this. im not being lazy or feeling sorry for myself. i want to get up, smile, go do everything i planned to do with energy and passion, like the passionate deanna i remember. but this feeling is involuntary. i cant help it. even as i go thru my whole day i feel this gloom, even when great things happen, when i see special ppl, when i smile like everything is ok, i feel myself bursting at the seams inside, wanting to scream, one second from breaking down and crying.

and what hurts even more is that i know ppl dont understand, they dont get it. they think im just being lazy or feeling sorry for myself. and they wanna tell me crap...as a matter of fact, i know all the "facts" and sayings that ppl will say to me, bc ive said them all myself.
DONT tell me i need to get up and do work. if you havent noticed, although im moving half my regular pace, i am gettin things accomplished. im moving. bc i cant afford not too. i was just trying to express my feelings, get them out, thought it would help. but it didnt, so ill shut up.
DONT tell me not to feel sorry for myself. bc im not even thinking about myself or my past or my life. im not feeling sorry for ME. i just have this feeling of sadness weighing down on me even when im not thinking. and it hurts.

the worst part is, noone can tell me how to GET RID OF IT. all these things/suggestions...get some sunshine, exercise, do summin you love, pray, blahblahblah...doesnt work. nothing works until i crawl back in bed and pray that tomorrow is not a bad day. usually it isnt. but sometimes it is.