onion

i wonder at who i used to be...and what i will become. but what i really wonder about is, who am i now? i dont think i ever will figure it out, simply bc i am so much. made of so much, wanting so much, i am just present, just me...complicated....

one day i was walkin to campus and i thought of this deep analogy/theory of what i am, how i view myself. it dealt with onions...and my life.

now some people may think im going to say that im like an onion bc i feel like im a many many layered person. but thats not the only reason. i cant remember all of my thoughts that day, but ill try to explain here. but first i have to talk about onions.

Onions are made up of a tunic of outer leaves (the brown layer), scales (the white firm juicy edible part), and the basal plate (often called the "hairy part" or the "root").

Onions make you cry because:

1. When you cut the basal plate or shoot, they release an enzyme.

2. That enzyme reacts in the rest of the onion to release a gas. (When that gas combines with water, it creates an acid.)

3. The gas reaches your eyes and reacts with the water that keeps them moist. This changes the chemical's form again, producing, among other things, a mild sulfuric acid, which irritates the eyes. The nerve endings in your eyes are very sensitive and so they pick up on this irritation (this is why our eyes sting when we slice onions).

4. The brain reacts by telling your tear ducts to produce more water, to dilute the irritating acid so the eyes are protected. And so you cry.

now, what most people see of me is my brown outer layer. i look like something you would want to buy, you kno...you want to be my friend. learn about me. hang out. a lot of people dont get past this first layer, even though it flakes off pretty easily if you just nudge it a little. but there are many leaves in this tunic, covering my rawness. but even tho there are many leaves, they are thin. because even tho i put up a rough front, that layer of me is shallow, barely covering my rawness.

but most people cannot eat an onion raw by itself, so i have to basically "cook" myself so that others can digest me, or pair myself up with something appetizing...you feel me?

then, there is the crying part. the deeper and deeper people get inside the real me, there is this curious thing that happens....its like the odor and irritation get stronger the more you cut the onion right? so when people are around my raw self for a long time, getting deeper and deeper for extended periods, the more they want to step back, take a break, or cry cry cry. [did i ever say how i dont like ppl crying over me, my past, or my situation? i know my life has been hard, or whatever, and you feel sympathy...but i dont like feeling pitiful. which is why i dont cry or gush over ppls situations in front of them. i help them in a practical way, or lend my ear, or pray wit them. i then go by myself and cry for them, prayin for them =/ ]

and eventually, if you go down deep enough [not many get to this level, if any] you will get to the basil plate or the roots, ugly and kinda hard. the harsh reality of DeAnna. all my strengths yet weaknesses, faults, wonder, emotions, confusion, twisted around each other. things most dont want to digest.

AND while going thru this whole process, youve either stepped back, stopped at a certain layer, cried so that your vision is warped, or asked for the cooked version. so you dont see ME at all, you see the deanna i have to give you or the one you create with nice elements that make me taste good. you see up to a certain layer, or you see part illusion, part fact...

and youve missed the "immature flower" part of me. [see diagram]. the part that is the active deanna, growing, maturing, flowering...ME in the midst.

and the interesting thing is, i dont cry when cutting real onions. go figure.