lonely, but never alone

i learned a lot about myself this week.

i am less alone than i sometimes think i am. but i am more alone than i realized.

[dont worry if you dont get it.]

its unreal, my contradictory nature. im a walking oxymoron; an ambivalent, complex thing. i wish i wasnt. i wish i was always sure of my footing. i wish i always said what i wanted, how i wanted, when i wanted. did what i needed, when it needed to be done, how it needed to be done. but im not, and i dont.

one thing i am now very confident about - i understand where and how i fit in certain places. i may not like it, but at least i know. it's easier to react when you know. it's easier to plan when you know.

it's easier to fix the file boxes of people, events, issues, and situations when i know.

what i also know is this: i can allow or not allow certain things in my life; for those things i cannot control, i can control how i react.

i am intelligent, strong, and beautiful. and God is closer to me than the vein in my neck.
i am precious, like a pearl laying by itself inside an oyster.
i am lonely, yet never alone.

new year...

on my new year (my birthday) i made some new year's "resolutions." of course, being me, it was more like an update to my one, five, and ten year plans...

but one interesting thing i did resolve to do was to start dating. casually. **gasp**

i'd never really done this before. even in high school, i went out with my boyfriend, not random guys...and my boyfriend and i didnt go on dates before we became exclusive. weird, i know. but i have this serious mindset, and i cant just date for fun...my mind seems to constantly evaluate whether i could like with this, or that, with all that makes up YOU, for the rest of my life. thats simply because i want to be with one person, and one person only. but something happened, and even though i still want that one person, i can go out and have fun and not feel the urge to make a big speech declaring my feelings (or lack thereof).

so i've been dating. more than one guy. and it's so INTERESTING, to say the least. i've learned some very interesting things about how different men are from each other, how men are alike, how emotional they can be - but most importantly, i've learned so much about ME.

things i thought i would like, i dont. some things i thought i would hate, i dont. my reactions to certain situations are so far from what i would have predicted. i no longer have this silhouette of the man i need/want. i think i'll stop trying to figure him out and just let him jump out and scare me.

i've also realized that people's ideas of Christianity are sooooo diverse. i may be changing a few people's idea of what a passionate Christian woman looks like....and that's fine with me.

breaking....

sometimes, i really dislike the way i am. something has got to break.

i give give give. i dont think people realize how much i give. i dont do anything without giving at least 100% on it; if I feel like im giving less then i push myself to do more or take myself out. this applies to relationships, tasks, hobbies....anything.

but i cant keep up with myself. i dont like how sometimes, my opinions are so different that i just keep my mouth shut instead of taking the risk of being misunderstood. i dont like how i always feel like im giving more than others. i dont like how i cant keep a normal job; how im "so good at everything" yet cant pay bills because instead of charging the going rate for my "everything," i do it for free/mad cheap because i cant help but deliver when people ask. i dont like how people make me feel like im not doing enough because i dont have a degree, because i dont have a man, because i dont have a job. i dont like how i never feel like im doing enough either. i dont like that i will tuck away my personal safety, goals, well-being, etc in order to ensure that someone else HAS, even if i know they wouldnt do the same for me. i dont like how i just want to spill myself out to a living, breathing person who gets it and wont make me feel guilty for saying that although God is the ultimate confidant, sometimes i just want to SEE the person in front of me. i dont like how i cant spill it out, because im scared to trust. i dont like how i have to say "no, it's not about a man; maybe my life is deeper than that, you think?" i dont like how it seems like the face & small body radiates that i dont know struggle, and so i have to contain my struggle so as to not shock the people on how imperfect i am. i dont like how im still hurt, when apparently im supposed to be fine by now. i dont like how people admire me, compliment me, demand more of me, yet fail to see that im breaking...

i dont like that im so much more vulnerable than anyone knows.
something has got to break.
and it cant be me.

but my heart will break as i say no. my heart will break as i give less and take more. my heart will break as i step back. my heart will break as i keep my thoughts hidden, my emotions secret, my mysteries close to me. my heart breaks as i write this and think about the rest of this year and how hard it's going to be.

but ive got to stop doing it all...
i reread a post i wrote long ago, and realized i have to do this again. sort thru & evaluate my life.

if only there was a way for me to do all i want, and still remain whole.

but there isnt, so i cry to keep myself from shattering.

who understands...

who understands the pain of having someone cut you so deep, hurt you so bad, basically rip your heart in shreds, yet you can't totally cut them out of your life? the pain of having one of the people you love the most in the world make you feel unloved, unworthy, and unwanted?

who understands the ambivalence of hating this person with the very fiber of your being, yet loving them still? having no control over that love, because you loved them before you even knew who you were. knowing that the reason they did what they did was because they were hurting too, that someone they loved made them feel the same way and for some reason, they could only respond in kind?

who understands the frustration when this person calls you and says that you're the only one who understands, praises you for qualities that, let's face it, their hurt manifested in you. the one good thing you can say came from the relationship, is that you are impossibly strong.....

who understands the slight panic that envelopes your heart when you imagine the day that you will have to explain to this person, and your future spouse & in-laws, why you can't (not won't, but physically can't) let this person walk you down the aisle, because 1) it makes you slightly nauseous & you begin to have a small panic attack trying to visualize the walk and, oh no! the sentimental dance that comes later and 2) you feel like he gave up the rights to that privilege years ago. you have to look into those eyes, filled with hurt and confusion, and tell him why...

"i was a daddy's girl, and you ruined that. the things you said, the things you did, the way you looked at me...all i ever wanted was for you to love me. and even tho i never made you pay for it, even tho i've always tried to forgive you and continue to cultivate a relationship with you, everytime i talk to you or see you, a part of me always remembers. a part of me always deflates. and i don't want those memories invading on my wedding day."

or maybe i'll look into those eyes and sigh, knowing once again that i will sacrifice my happiness for yours, so you will have something to boast about, tear up about, remember with fondness...and i will have hope that maybe, just maybe my daddy really does loves me, and was too hurt/messed up inside to adequately show it.

if you understand the pain, could you please come over and give me a hug? i really need it right now.

renewing my mind. . .

One thing that has been a gradual happening in my life is the renewing of my mind on the subject of sexual intimacy. I posted about this same topic some time ago, about how I wanted more than just sex.  Someone posed the question to me "Is kissing a sin?" After thinking about it, I gave the answer that is below. It made me realize that my mind has changed on this issue. However, I haven't had the opportunity to test this mindset (that is, since my mind has been changed, I haven't been in a relationship/intimate type situation). So prayerfully, I will be able to hold on to my convictions when the time does come.

Here's what I said:

My opinion? I don't believe that kissing is a sin, but the Bible also says that while some things may be permissible (that is, we can do them, they aren't sin), all things are not beneficial [1 Cor 6:12; 1 Cor 10:23]. It is where your heart is. If you are lusting in your heart, you may as well be sinning if you keep entertaining it [Matthew 5:28; Job 31:1]. Kissing, making out, etc are just preparing your body for sex, something that you aren't supposed to be doing with anyone who is not your husband. So it is like you are placing yourself in temptation, when the Word tell us to flee from it [1 Cor 6:18; James 4:7]. Why put yourself in a position to fall? 

Now, I'm not gonna say I'm a person who won't be kissing my husband until the altar (no ma'am!). I will most certainly be kissing, holding hands with, hugging, and showing other types of affection to/with my boyfriend. But I also know that most of the time, this will be done in public. Knowing myself and my past, I'm not trying to be alone for any long stretch of time with my man in my next relationship. I know I LOVE sex, I know I will be the one tempting him lol, and I know it's hard for me to resist any ANY hint of attraction. So if we can't comfortably do it in public, then I won't do it in private. [1 Thess 5:22; 1 Peter 2:12]

"mommy porn"

Joshua Harris recently wrote a blog post about another blogger named Melissa Jenna's strong challenge to fellow sisters-in-Christ about the the acceptance of so called "Mommy Porn"--specifically, the best-selling erotic novel "50 Shades of Grey" and the male-stripper themed movie "Magic Mike."

It was very interesting to me! It is true that Christian culture is much more accepting to what I would call "soft porn" for women. As she said "imagine your husband (or father/brother/church leader) going around bragging about how much he loved reading last month's Playboy magazine, or rallying all of his guy friends to go see "Magic Meghan" for the third time. If our husbands were drooling over a movie about female strippers, we would be livid. It wouldn't be tolerated. Church leaders would be publicly denouncing men's sudden acceptance of pornography and erotic films. (Why aren't church leaders publicly denouncing 50 Shades or Magic Mike, by the way?)"

It is true that a lot of women are more stimulated by words and such things, while most men are more stimulated by visual images (correct me if I'm wrong). Not saying that this is always the case. But women reading erotic novels with graphic descriptions of sex (I know, I've read the book the article is referring to) is no different from men looking at graphic depictions of sex. Melissa Jenna also makes the point that women/moms lusting is no better or acceptable to God than men/dads lusting.

Melissa goes on to state, "Christian women need to reject both of these works, and instead, use our voices in support of what is good, right and true. It is our responsibility, as daughters of the Heavenly King, to remain set-apart from the poisons of our culture, to rebuke temptation, and to celebrate and honor righteousness."

I think this is a part of what it means to renew your minds as Romans 12: 1-2 challenges us to do, it is "hungering and thirsting for righteousness" (Matt. 5:6). 

Read the full post.

more than just sex

On a mini-road trip with some of my favorite birds, we started a convo about sex. That isn't surprising - most people who have been on road trips with me know that we always end up talking about the Kingdom of God and sex (sometimes as a unit lol, sometimes two separate convos). However, this was one of the best sex conversations that I've had; it truly renewed my mind and so I had to share.


It was based off of 1 Corinthians 3:16 that states that we are the temple of God and His Spirit dwells in us. Check it out:

In the Old Testament, the place where God dwelled was His Temple. He didn't have a place in men until after Christ. The same way God lived in the temple then, He lives inside of us now, reminding us to honor our bodies (physically, emotionally, mentally/intellectually, and spiritually) because they are holy and set apart for God, our Savior. 

So, background: in the Old Testament only the High Priest could go into the Holy of Holys. That place was more special than any other because that was where God dwelled. It was where He was seated. Literally. So in order to go in, you had to go through a veil, be clean (purified), AND be the appointed one, the HIGH PRIEST, which was only done via ceremony. There he would go in and sacrifice an animal as a blood sacrifice for the people before God as a covenant, so God could grant forgiveness. And when Jesus shed His blood at Calvary, He gave us a New Covenant, a new start with the Father. Jesus died once and for all for our sins, but because of that, God now lives in our bodies.

Therefore, physically, since our body is God's temple, the only one that is allowed in (via sex - and I mean all of it, oral, anal, vaginal, skin-to-skin) is the one God allows. 

Your vagina is a part of your body, and therefore God's dwelling place, a Holy Place. The only one that is supposed to ever be allowed in is the ONE high priest, the man God has to be your husband. That man will be anointed by ceremony (your wedding day & marraige) to enter into that covenant with you. Why call it a covenant? Because whenever there was bloodshed, it made a covenant (see above). 

Our vaginas come with something called a hymen. Once it breaks, it spills blood over the penis--a blood covenant between husband and wife. This is why God desires sex between man and woman only. Because it's about a COVENANT, not just pleasure. It's about creating a dedication to each other and the Lord before men in a marriage ceremony (just as witnesses watched the priest be anointed). It's about dedicating your life and your marriage to serving & showcasing God and His Kingdom.

So, recap, in order for a man to go into your Holy of Holys, he must go through a veil (hymen), be clean (purified/virgin), and be the appointed one via ceremony (your husband). When we have sex outside of marriage, it's like having an orgy in the house of God! It's not what God wants or desires for us. 

This conversation totally transformed my view on sex, like Romans 12:2 tells us to do. I tell you what....I want sex. I'm not gonna say I don't because I want it a lot. But I want more than JUST sex. Right now, I have a distaste for just sex; I don't desire just sex at all. I want a covenant. I want something sacred, holy, special, soul-deep (and something, I'll admit, mind-blowing, titillating, and indescribable lol).


Now, don't get all down by some of the remarks here; technically I won't qualify for a "blood covenant" as there is no longer any veil for me...I am VERY far from being a virgin. But a great thing about this Kingdom living thang is that in Christ we are made new. Old things we did in the past are washed away, and we have a fresh start in Christ. Christ is calling us to move forward, and just not make the same mistakes moving forward. The Holy Spirit will remind & convict us of wrong and help us choose the path away from temptation. But even if we stumble, God's grace still washes us again and restores us. It's just God's desire that we not use Grace as an excuse to sin over and over and over again. (Romans 6:1)



Thank you, Brittany Turner, for your wonderful insight that made this post possible.

knowing history...

Something I read the other day...

To know Israel's history/story, in many respects, "is to know our own.

No other nation has as much to say to us about the love, patience, and anger of God. God demonstrated His love to Israel to demonstrate His love to everyone. She was chosen to be a light to the nations. An object lesson for all countries and people to watch and see the goodness of God and what happens when God's holy ways are ignored. When you trace the story of Israel, you realize that God extends hope, forgiveness, and everlasting life to all."

Being me... and Christian?

disclaimer: this post is not so you can listen to Keith Sweat all day and say 'yeah God knows this doesn't do anything for me" -__- most importantly, this is my opinion. plus, although it may be permissible, it may not be beneficial (1 Cor 6:12; 10:23, AND like i said below, you have to be mature enough to make the right choice)


I'm going to start this with something that doesn't seem on topic, but I'm sure you will understand. I was at a party some months ago and the discussion was whether being a Christian was fun. To my surprise, most people felt like "Christian fun" was whack. Why is this?

First off, I would like to promote some thought/discussion on this...do you (the person reading this) honestly think that "Christian fun" is exciting?

As you evaluate yourself and let that thought simmer, I'll say a little bit.

Most of us would agree that part of being a Christian is having a personal relationship with God. Now, does your relationship with your father look exactly like your best friend's relationship with his father? NO. So why are we so eager to make our relationship with our Father the same as everyone else's? If everyone has the same Christian 101 cookie cutter relationship with God, how is that personal?

Everyone is nodding at this, yet when we feel like doing something a little different, we question ourselves and compare ourselves to others. "What would (insert Christian friend) think about this?" We wonder if this thing is qualified as Christian. We run ourselves crazy trying to figure out if this act is in the Bible and if we would be sinning by doing this thing. We worry about how the Christian community and how the people we witness to will receive what we are doing. Guess what? That is a GOOD thing! We should make sure that we are in the will of God. But what we rarely consider is whether we are in the will of God for OUR life.

Personal example: some of my friends don't listen to secular music and some do. For Bonquisha, she knows that all secular music does something to her inner atmosphere so she doesn't listen to any of it. J'mahl knows that some secular music (namely India.Irie & Miles Davis) doesn't do any harm to him and so he listens to that and others on occasion. Neither of them judge each other; they respect the other's mindset and they don't try to encourage the other to come their way, the "better" way. Because guess what, they are different!

Everyone has a different purpose. Likewise, everyone has a different personality, and everyone has different needs. Don't you think God knows this? There are basic things that we all agree we should definitively NOT do, but there are other things that He wants us to learn about ourselves and then be mature enough to make the right decision. In order to effectively minister, you have to understand who YOU (not yo mama) are in Christ.

Check this out--the early church had this same issue! (that is people straining their necks to see how others are living their lives and how it compared to their own.) Read Romans 14 and 1 Corinthians 8 (cmon they are short chapters guys) and apply it to real life: Christians who believed the same basic principles about God were arguing about matters of opinion. Can we drink one of these, should I go to church in the morning or evening, can I go to a party with secular music? It's a decision that YOU alone have to make, be comfortable with, and answer to God about. Although there is no right answer, there is a right answer FOR YOU.

Bottom line: "You may believe there’s nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keep it between yourself and God. [Don’t let your eating ruin someone for whom Christ died. For the Kingdom of God is not a matter of what we eat or drink, but of living a life of goodness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. If you serve Christ with this attitude, you will please God, and others will approve of you, too.] Blessed are those who don’t feel guilty for doing something they have decided is right. But if you have doubts about whether or not you should eat something, you are sinning if you go ahead and do it. For you are not following your convictions. If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning."

Last thing I say before I get back to my first point (that you were supposed to be thinking about). God doesn't want you to lose your swag, so why let somebody else take it away from you?

SWAG: The way in which you carry yourself. Swag is made up of your personal overall confidence, style, and demeanor. Swagger is shown from how the person handles a situation and it can't be touched or replicated. It may be in the walk or it may be in the talk, but there is no doubt it means you own the room and you have that natural charisma. Basically, one with swagger dominates at life.

So. Back to the top. My question that night was what IS "Christian fun?" Seriously. I am a Christian, so everything I do is Christian. But I don't go around saying stuff like "Christian studying" or "Christian eating," there isn't a certain way that I, as a Christian, do the dishes. So I don't have "Christian fun" although I am a Christian; I just have fun. 

Being a Christian? It is simply what I AM. Therefore everything I DO reflects that; there should be no separation. So for me, it's not about "Being ME and Christian," because that's redundant. It's about being ME.

sacrificing memories

today, i found something. or somethings. they brought up good memories about my previous relationship.

but...they brought up memories from my previous relationship that, while good, is over. sigh.

i knew that i should throw them away, but it was harder than i thought. i wanted to hold onto them, bc i was scared if i threw these memories away, i wouldnt have any memories anymore....sometimes it's still hard for me to believe that one day ill feel special like that again.

but then i remembered something:

The pursuit of personal holiness, purity, love, and commitment to God requires discipline. We don’t simply drift into godliness. Like the training for track, it takes intentional, focused steps to get there...and that means there will be sacrifice. 

fact of the matter is, i have to let go fully, or else im showing God that I don't have faith that He can and will do all that He said He will. also, how can i tell some young'uns to let go, wait on God, believe, etc. when i have this thing that i am holding onto. this thing that i am committed to so im not fully committed to Him? it's like when my cross country/track coach told us to stop drinking sodas. after a few months, you could tell who really stopped and who didn't. time reveals all things. so just as i sacrificed soda to stay hydrated and healthy in an attempt to shave a few seconds off my time, i have to sacrifice some other material things to stay close to God and not get distracted or discouraged.

like mother, like daughter

i have always been a hustler.

when i was little, around 5 or 6, the age when people start asking "what do you want to be when you grow up?" i remember what i wanted to be. i wanted to be an author who illustrated her own books and a dance teacher/dancer. as i got older, i still wanted to be an author/illustrator, but i had changed my other occupation to  fashion designer and stylist. no matter what, every time i thought about or said what i wanted to be, it was always 3-5 things.

middle school and high school, i did: track, cross country, dance, cheerleading, basketball (combinations of 3 different sports at once), not to mention the like 5 clubs that i was in and had positions in. i just could not sit still.

it happened when i came to howard too. i wanted to double major/minor because i COULD NOT decide what i wanted to do. and i was involved in organizations. smh.

now here i am (by the grace of God), and i have finally finalized what it is that i am supposed to be doing for an occupation and working towards that goal. although my aim in life is to please God and give honor to Him in whatever i do, i believe i now know how i will be doing that in the world.

and how is that, do you ask? of course, it is not one thing lol.

here i am, wanting to start my own event management and graphic design company. i am earning my degrees and certifications towards that as well as gaining experience (that is, i am planning events and getting paid for doing design work). i also do hair at low prices, because i feel that people should feel the best about themselves at all times, no matter how broke they are lol. and i am also babysitting this wonderful young woman, which points to the tugging i have in my spirit of God telling me that i need to mentor young girls (for my own spirit and for theirs as well).

im doing all of this and wonder why i havta hustle so much.

then i look at my mother.

as i get older, i notice more and more of my parents in me. as i look at dixie, i realize she was always a hustler too. in college, taking care of kids and running track. married, in school, with a job, taking care of kids (some not even her own), with a side hustle as a seamstress. even now, dixie is still hustling.

it was always my dream growing up (and now) to provide for my mother so she wouldnt have to go so hard. but today i realized, even if i did provide for her so she wouldnt havta do anything but lay up all day, you know what she would be doing?

sewing for any and everybody; babysitting everybody and they daughter's kids; cooking for everybody; planning events for people's special occasions; tutoring children after school....etc.

and you know what? im fine with that.

and im fine with the fact that imma hustla, imma imma hustla homie! 

just like my mama.

Demons

it's a new year, everybody, and i've noticed something.

i used to have this thing. i dont know what to call it. but i'd be sitting, standing, laying, minding my business, watching tv, doing work, etc. and i would see something out the corner of my eye. it would scare the living mess out of me. my heart would stop, my insides would drop, and my head would pound. i'd quickly look to my right (it was almost always on my right) to see if it was what i thought. but alas, every time it would scurry away before i got a good look.

and what did i think it was?
a demon.

all i really saw was a shadowy, dense, dark figure crawling on the wall, or through the door...but in my spirit i knew it was a demon. say what you like, think what you like. i am not making this up, and yes that's what i think it was.

so, the thing that i've noticed?
it's gone.

the past few months, i've been pretty silent on this blog. part of it was just being busy, as i've crafted several posts in my head that i will post on here soon. but part of it is also because i have been learning, growing, changing. i've been having some soul altering changes, learning more about DeAnna, and changing who i am. i've messed up, been successful, encountered new things, fell down, been confused, lost, found, happy...you get the picture. but most importantly, ive faced (i believe) ALL of my past demons.

which has been scary.

some things i've resolved and some things i understand are gonna affect me the rest of my life (and im kind of nervous about that). but i've faced them all head on and come to terms with it all.

so maybe, thats why they don't come to visit me in the middle of the day anymore =)

forgiveness

so ive been on forgiveness lately. forgiving myself. forgiving God. forgiving others. in that order.

 

because im hardest on myself, i fault myself for a lot of things. and i have to truly forgive myself to recognize my true worth.

 

i have to admit that im mad at God [which ive done] and i have to admit when im mad at other people, even if my logic says im not mad at them anymore. my feelings may say differently. logically i know that i shouldnt be mad at God. logically i know things some ppl do arent on purpose...but that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt and im not harboring feelings. its about being honest.

 

one of my sisters who is the founder of a production company is working on a project. and she reached out to me about some things. recently i got an email from her asking my thoughts on forgiveness. which was another push from God telling me that i needed to work on this area in my life. so i thought on it for some days and finally responded:

 

"I think that forgiveness is an everyday thing. I read something the other day that said "Until we are mature enough to understand that God uses everything for good in our lives, we harbor resentment for things we would change if we were God. The antidote is to realize that God always acts in our best interest, even when it is painful and you don't understand it. But releasing your resentment and revealing your feelings are the first steps to healing."

I honestly don't understand why things happened the way they did. And when I think about what happened or if I happen to run into someone connected, I can feel those same emotions I had during that time welling up. It's not as strong, but it's like a dull ache. Like when it's about to rain and old people's joints act up, an old injury that is healed but aches sometimes. I don't feel resentment, but I still feel something. As I come to terms with my feelings about what happened (not necessarily come to terms with what happened, I don't know if that will ever happen), I release feelings I didn't even know I held onto. Something bad happened to me and I don't understand it. Even though it still hurts, I can see that God is still with me.

The people responsible for this were human, just like me. I've hurt a lot of people as well; maybe not like this, or this deep, but hurt is hurt. I don't know what those people were subjected to to make them do the things they did. So I don't hate them. I don't want to be around them, but I don't hate them anymore. I don't hate me anymore. But when the memory comes up, I have to forgive all over again. It's a conscious, active decision."

soul altering changes

ive been reading a purpose driven life for the second time. i started reading it with a group of friends from diff states, sharing our thoughts in a facebook group. but as i really got into it deeper, i realized that i had to slow down....

in the book rick warren says to read one short chapter a day so you can really understand and apply what you read. however, i was finding that i need to meditate on things more than a day. sometimes i read only a few paragraphs...

and this is where i am now, ive been sitting on this one paragraph for many days now, because i feel i have to deal with it before moving on. i cant move on, bc everytime i open the book i think about this passage:

"Genuine friendship is built on disclosure. What may appear as audacity God views as authenticity...It is likely that you need to confess some hidden anger and resent at God for certain areas of your life where you have felt cheated or disappointed. Until we mature enough to understand that God uses everything for good in our lives, we harbor resentment toward God over our appearance, background, unanswered prayers, past hurts, and other things we would change if we were God...bitterness is the greatest barrier to friendship with God: Why would I want to be God's friend if He allowed this? The antidote, of course, is to realize that God always acts in your best interest, even when it is painful and you don't understand it. But releasing your resentment and revealing your feeling is the first step to healing."

its so much in there that stuck out to me. the fact that i may never understand why certain things happened to me bugs me! sometimes i wonder like, God, could you have allowed something less painful to happen to me that would have taught me the same lesson? things that i would change if i was God...[smh. why do we want to be God so much tho?]


and i realized that deep inside me, no matter if i loved God and truly wanted to be close to Him [which i do], i couldnt. because i didnt fully trust Him. "why would i want to be God's friend if He allowed this?" i did think that! and i was no longer denying it.


it took me all those days to pour out my feelings to God. its true that healing cant happen until you release the feelings. and its not like those feelings magically disappear [lol they dont]. or all of a sudden you now know why things happened [i wish]. but [for me at least] it took so much off of my heart and i was totally vulnerable. and totally open to God.


and something happened. it was very subtle. it was a soul altering change really. my perspective on things changed. life is really about perspective and how you view things. thats why paul said he could be content in any circumstance. thats why people can say they live their lives for God yet not be pastors. its your perspective and how/why you do what you do. its about how i see my situation and how i handle my situation.
 
i still dont understand a lot of things. but im more secure in knowing that its ok, and trusting God with everything.


friends share secrets. God wants to share His secrets to us...moses said to God "if im so special to you, let me in on your plans!" and God did. but they were close friends and you cant just expect someone to share all with you when youre not close. and the closer we draw to Him the closer He brings His kingdom to our side [as my dean says].


and that truly is amazing.


im ready to move on.

good enough

im a perfectionist. ill say it.

im a perfectionist AND im so frickin independent. all my life, i was supposed to have my stuff together bc i was the one who helped everyone. ppl were in my life to receive help, not to give help to me. i was supposed to solve my problems, and theirs as well.

this journey ive been taking the last year or so, has showed me that thats not the case. i cant do it all.

i guess im doing better with sharing my problems, reaching out for help, and not feelin obligated to solve others problems or make them feel better.

however, i still had this thing....about relationships. bc ive had so many one sided relationships, i know how lonely and frustratin it is to feel like you do everything for a person you care about, and they dont do that for you. so i dont want any of my relationships to be like that. i dont wanna be a moocher. but sometimes in relationships, one person is going to be going thru while the other person is ok. and when it happens, i feel guilty if im the one receiving.

i feel guilty when i receive and i have nothing to give back. or i have less to give back. maybe bc ultimately, i dont feel like i deserve it. i was brought up being drilled that you only deserved something if you earned it, and sometimes when you do feel like youve earned it, your efforts still arent good enough. so try harder, bc its better to do more than not enough.

well. i have to realize that sometimes, my best wont be good enough. i cant solve some problems. i can only be there, do what i can, let God do the rest.

and honestly, i cant be in another romantic relationship until i stop feeling like no matter what i do, im still not good enough. its hard to get rid of like 2 decades of bein told youre not good enough. but if i feel like im not good enough, i never will be.

im too hard on myself sometimes. i can clearly see where God wants me to be. i can see where ive came from. and i can clearly see where i am. where i am is not where i want to be, and thats ok. i will never be perfect, bc im human. my mind says this logically, but its still getting thru to my heart.

things that other women feel like are their rights, bc they are precious beings, i dont necessarily feel the same. i wasnt raised like that. women werent respected or treasured in my life. you dont get special treatment as a woman, you learn to be strong and fend for yourself and earn whatever favors you get.

ive had to think about this a lot lately.

do i finally feel like im good enough? i dont know. i still see so many issues that i feel should be resolved. i still feel like i shouldnt burden anyone with all this crap. but i think, when i love ppl, their issues arent really a burden to me bc i love them so much.

its my responsibility to get a hold on my issues. its my responsibility to keep workin on them, keep seeking God, not hiding from things...all that.

but i also deserve someone who loves me enough that my issues arent that big to them. i deserve someone who doesnt think i have to earn their love. i deserve someone who treasures me.

u kno, they are gonna be times when i make mistakes, where i forget something. there are gonna be times when im not good enough. but thats what grace is for. 

when you love a person, you see their faults, their good qualities, their habits, their issues, their insecurities, and their potential. and you want to help them and walk with them thru life, continually growing and learning WITH them.

im not good enough. but who is?
im growing, im pushing forward, and thats good enough.
having more [or less] issues does not qualify you for special treatment. there are some things that are thrown your way in life that you have no power over. its how you handle your life that determines what you are mature enough for.

"I am STILL confident that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27: 13-14

the forehead kiss

sigh. the forehead kiss.

is this not the most wonderful of kisses?

. . .
maybe its just me then.

its remarkable the tangle of emotions you can feel depending on the person giving the kiss as well. no matter what, forehead kisses bring me back to feelin like a little girl. for some reason, a kiss on the forehead calms me down, relaxes me. it makes me feel safe, secure, protected.


only [maybe] 3 men have given me the forehead kiss, which is just perfect because it shouldnt be something wasted. my brother, maybe my father, and my road dog.


my brother always makes me feel protected. point blank, period. he has my heart.
my father, there was/are a lot of mixed emotions there. dont care to go into that right now.

my road dog...ah. ah the best forehead kiss ever. its like an electrical circuit, love being passed. its like comfort, its emotion that is unspeakable, words that havent been made yet. i feel like a child being cradled thru the storm. its gentle, yet powerful. it quickens my heart [not in a lustful way]. it almost brings tears and def brings a smile and a sigh. its just the epitome of...of something. knowin that that person will never leave you. lives and circumstances change, but that person will always be there for you.


i wonder if it works the other way too...if i can give a forehead kiss to a man and it be that powerful...
bc i def would like to share that feelin with someone(s).

my story

so, i thought back and realized i should have posted this before my last post. but its ok. heres me backtracking. i originally wrote this post for Praise{Break}. check that out too. enjoy.

I was majoring in architecture at Howard University, making my mother proud and planning a future life where I had a lot of money [which I never had] and provided for my family. I was doing what everyone wanted me to do, what I was supposed to do.

But I didn't want to be an architect.


I mean, I am interested in architecture, like I'm interested in a lot of things. I would have been okay as an architect, eventually, I think. But it wasn't my passion and I started to see that maybe it wasn't my plan.

I wanted to do event planning [specifically for non-profits]. I realized this around my sophomore year at Howard, and I put it out of my mind. That wasn't part of anyone's plan for my life. Except it was someone's plan--God's.

I was hardheaded; no matter what confirmation I got about this, I did not listen. It just didn't seem possible to pursue it and be successful, especially since Howard didn't have that option. I mentioned it, slightly, to a few people, and they of course shut it down, not knowing I was secretly serious. But when they shot it down, so did I. I kept putting it off my mind until last December. I was being attacked mentally, emotionally, financially, and having family and school issues. That's when I really started re-evaluating my life and the direction I was going.

I withdrew from Howard this past February. I plan on going to George Washington University for their event management certificate program and taking the certification exam within the next few years. This was a hard, scary decision, and a lot of pain and heartache happened before and after I finally submitted to God and pursued my passion.

I believe there are different paths to take. Your work can be your passion, or you can work and do your passion as volunteer work, or work and do your passion when you retire, etc...and none of these are the "right" answer. You are an individual, and you have to listen to God [whatever you do in your "you and God time"] so you know and understand what is your path to take.

Don't let fear and doubt paralyze you. I've watched my friends celebrate as they graduated this May, or [for my architecture friends] celebrate because they only have a year left. I've cried knowing that it may not happen for me, or if it does, it's going to be a while. [Event Management does not require a degree, but I am thinking of getting a degree in graphic design.] But that is their story, and this is mine. I had to realize that. YOU have to realize that.

Make your life YOUR story, and not a spin-off of someone else's idea of a sitcom.

Watch my video to see the in-depth story.

my plans

everyone wants to know what is going on with me and my professional life. i was actually talkin to my tre about it.

my plans were to save money so that i can enroll in george washington university's event management program. complete the program, my praticum hours, and my portfolio. take the exams so i can be an event planner as well as a bridal consultant. pay howard so that i can go back and get a degree in design, just so i could have a bachelors in something [and it pertains to what im going to do]. start my business: elixir events and design.

so i started to work on my scheme. i know exactly how im going to do this GW thing. so i was really working on my HU scheme. you know, classes i need to take and when to take them. as i was looking, i just got really frustrated. why you ask?

bc i have completed a lot of classes at howard. some do pertain to design and meet the requirements for that major. but i think some things are very stupid.

in architecture, when you get a scheme, it pretty much says "take these classes listed. for your electives, pick out of these electives. pass the classes. graduate." makes sense to me. classes all deal with my major, even most of my electives. i do have to take that one african american studies class that all HU students must take, but i made mine blacks in the arts. i have to take pe for 2 semesters of course bc they want to pretend like they keepin us healthy.

what doesnt make sense to me is COAS. the heck is a liberal arts division, and why do i need to take it if it doesnt pertain to my major? im ok with taking speech bc in my job ill have to make presentations and communicate. but i dont see any reason i need freshman seminar. and why is swimming a requirement for graduation? and i surely dont need philosophy, i think too much already.

i feel like if i go back to some traditional school to get a bachelors, im wasting...why is that? bc i have to cut back on work to go back, yet i still have to pay bills plus pay for school. the financial aid i would get would be all government grants and loans [since i dont qualify for any other loans and dont want them anyways...there are outside scholarships that i would have to lose sleep to find & apply, takin away more time lol] which just cover tuition and i have to continue to pay for bills and the rest of school on my own but with less money. then wen its all done, i have to pay the government back for classes that i took that had NOTHING to do with my degree.

also, im just in another mindset. im in a hands on mode. lets go out and do it. live life and work. learn what i need to do my job effectively and then go do it. learn about myself and who i am in God. i dont mind sitting in a classroom setting learning, if im takin notes that i kno i will use later when i actually do it.

plus, the only reason i want to go back and get a degree is bc i feel so much pressure. everyone is asking me when am i going back to school. when will i graduate. what will my major be. will i still go to howard. and tellin me that the only way you will get a  job nowadays is if you have a degree....

yet i just realized the other day that im happy. i like hustling. i like being busy. i like doing several things. i like knowin how to get money no matter what [i definitely like that im past the stage of learning humility and how to seek help, that i no longer have to ask ppl to borrow money]. i like earning money by helping people and making them happy in several different ways. i would be perfectly fine if i didnt have a degree. i would just keep doing what im doing--doing what im asked, doing what i see is needed, doing what i love [and what i dont love too sometimes]

i know what its like to struggle financially, and so most of my life was spent in countless hours worrying and planning and controlling to ensure that that wouldnt happen again. but being a good steward over your money isnt just about making a lot of it and saving it all. for the first time in my life, im comfortable with where i am with money. i have a budget so i dont overspend [im not a big spender anyways]. i make enough to save [which will be depleted when i start at GW, but i know i can build it back up]. im content. yes i would like to make more simply bc i know life throws crazy things at us. and i would like to help my family out, plus save up for my future family.

but the fact is, success isnt about money for me anymore. yes i want to have enough money to pay for my and my family's needs. but more and more im not stressing about it bc when im obedient to God and not worrying, i find that it all works out. success, for me, is fulfilling the purposes for which God created me, called me to do. and im discovering more and more everyday what that is.

well, what do i want tho, for my future?

i want to plan events and programs [weddings, conferences, seminars, conventions, parties, concerts, forums, shows, etc.]. design stuff that makes ppl happy. give ppl their visions that they couldnt accomplish alone and make it reality. make my visions come to life. have people smile. help ppl to look good and feel good about themselves. raise my family as God ordains. serve my husband. run around and do stuff for my church, ANQ, beacon, and my community. DANCE. and most importantly, i want to serve God and know i have done my best to surrender to Him and His will.

best of all, i know God has given me talents. gifts. personality traits. experiences. and people. and the most important question is, what does HE want for my future, why did He gift me with these things?

so, even tho ppl give me concerned, bewildered, even pained looks and talk to me in gentle and/or stern tones, i will continue to look for the answer to that question, and that question only. right now, i know going to GW is in my future. getting a bachelors degree is something i am still praying about, simply bc its so many feelings tied up in that my confusion makes it hard to hear God clearly. i havent gotten any confirmation one way or another.


so until i do, im just going to continue to do the things i know He has for me to do right now. and He'll show me the rest as long as i listen and obey.

my heart

the other day [lol my tre gets on to me for sayin this phrase wen "the other day" to me could mean months ago] i was riding the bus downtown to get a new phone. i sat down, with my earphones on, with an open book [both precautions, signs that should have said DONT TALK TO ME] next to a nice looking young man who looked about 18 or thereabouts. i was enjoyin my fred hammond when he spoke to me.

my first inclination was to sigh, but i restrained myself. he asked me where i was from, a question im used to hearing [apparently i dont look like im regular black, which i am. i look like i come from another country...which im kinda sure (lol) some of my ancestors did, just very very long ago.] this blossomed into a conversation about travel, and i guess from some of the things i was saying he realized that i was older than he thought.

of course. bc i look like a 15 year old. which wen im 40 ill appreciate because by then ill look like im in my late twenties. [but right now i just would like to wear my khakis and not look like a middleschooler.]

anyways, off the rant. the boy went to howard, was a freshman, and was thoroughly shocked that i was older than him. it was a nice convo that had me thinkin all day.

not really about the convo but about his reaction.

see, i know i look young, which is a reason i think imma be old(er) before i get a husband. the kind of man i want/need prob wouldnt wanna talk to me bc he would think im jailbait. then i started thinkin of all the reasons that i dont have a man right now and why i think i wont for a while.

1. i shut down everyone. i dont like to be approached in that way. romantically. not by strangers. not by friends either really. why not by friends you ask? bc....

2. i dont really have a lot of male friends. not closeclose ones that would be potential. actually, i would say 98% of my male friends/acquaintances are in ANQ.

3. i look like a baby. middle aged men approach me bc they are pedophiles, and teenagers approach me bc they think im their age.

4. for some reason i only attract hood niccas. and i really dont like them...they make me wanna roll my eyes, question their manhood, use big words to demean them...or i attract immature guys who always need advice from me [eye roll]. i just want a calm, uber silly, wise, mature, "nice" [preferably nerdy] guy.

the list goes on. then i thought, why am i doin this to myself? im just reaffirming to myself things that will only get me down...but then i realized that i had to evaluate myself, lay it all down, so i can work on it.

i heard one of my line sisters say the other day that she didnt want to be in a relationship bc when she thought about men her heart just locked up. i dont feel that im that way, bc when i think about men/love/relationships, my heart overflows...

ive already established that i feel hard/deeply. i love hard too. and i want to give my everything to someone, its like a burning desire in me. but it seems i have this mental wall up, bc altho i love ppl hard, its hard for me to trust them. and thats bc of my past i kno....but unless i have a feeling of instant trust when i meet you, its gonna take years for me to build a simple trust.

and i need a deep trust for a intimate relationship [romantic or otherwise]. which is why i shut down men. i feel like most of the men i know who approach me [that are my friends, im not gonna start anything with someone off the street that asks for or gives me their number] dont know me. they arent really friends [bc my friends wouldnt approach me, bc they know how i am...they would just go about their business and keep gettin to know me, pray, and wait for the right time], they are acquaintances who say that they like me romantically and wanna be my man. but....if i feel like you dont know me, im going to say no. how u wanna be my man and u dont KNOW me?

so i say, well, we dont know each other. lets keep bein friends and see what happens. and what usually (99%) happens is that a few months later they have a girlfriend.

so i guess, the only kind of relationship i wouldnt shut down if they asked to take it to the next level is if the man is one of my best friends. we have a solid friendship, others probably think we are already dating or should be bc we talk frequently about everything, hang out a lot...and it kinda just happens, evolves til its unavoidable lol.

i need to know that u know some of my secrets and still like who i am. i need to know that you see me at my weak points and still think im strong. i need to know that when i hurt you, wen we hurt each other, youll still care about me. i need to know that you know me, my personality, my heart, my mind, my interests, my intelligence, my emotions, my faults, my issues, my mistakes, my past----you see ME and yet you want me still.

bc i cant say "yes im your girl" to someone who i havent shared certain things with. i cant say that to someone who doesnt know enough about me. bc im scared that youll find out something in a few weeks that you cant live with.

yeah, thats pretty much it. im scarred & im scared, so i think thats why i think about this so extensively. but as with all my issues, im prayin on it and workin thru it....

so lets be friends. when we get to a certain point that one of us needs to stop, thats the level of our friendship. and when we discover that we never want to stop, then we will continue to grow together, change and learn about each other over and over again, forever.

my heart is too fragile, too precious, and too big to pass around.

weak

the older i get [or i should say, the deeper i walk wit God] the weaker i feel i become. i used 2 not allow anyone to see me cry [due to childhood experiences that showed me cryin was not the business, but thats another story]. i didnt ask for help & i was so good at providin for myself that ppl didnt even notice wen i was strugglin or in pain. i smiled all the time. when i was sick i pushed thru it. i could survive days without sleep.

but when i actively started to deal with my past, my issues, my insecurities, and desired to learn to depend on God, craziness started happening. i was cryin in public, prone to havin breakdowns in my room, where i felt such an overload of emotions that i felt crazy, couldnt breathe, couldnt do anything but lay & cry & silently pray.

[ive known for a long time that im an emotional person, moreso than most. i feel things very sharply, deeply, and very strongly. (that doesnt sound right lol.) but id always managed to stay aloof from it, bc feelin so much hurts a lot, esp wen its someone elses feelings that im feelin. i tend to be able to feel others feelings, and it gets confusing and painful...but thats another post.]

i was no longer able to figure out my own problems, and the ability to know what to say to others was waning. i would get/feel sick and not be able to push thru. i would not be able to sleep and then suddenly not be able to stay awake! [i who once was awake for 5 days straight!]

it was even more difficult bc i felt like i had no one but myself. i felt like this before all this started happening. i was fiercely independent. i was the one everyone turned to for answers for the longest time. family, friends, school. there werent many ppl i could ask for advice or how to do somethin and after i finally met some ppl, there werent many ppl i trusted enough....dixie [thas my mama for those who dont know] but i didnt like to bother her bc she had so much on her plate, i usually tried to help her out. so this whole thing was new to me, knowing how, where, and when to ask for assistance. i didnt know what to do or how to go about it.

i felt alone. i couldnt feel God, couldnt hear Him, no matter what i did. but that doesnt mean He wasnt there...sometimes God intentionally draws back at crucial points in our lives to test character, reveal weakness, and prepare us for more responsibility [like He did with Hezekiah in 2 Chronicles 32, he had a close relationship with God, but then God withdrew from Hezekiah in order to test him and to see what was really in his heart].

i was at my weakest. but God is always stronger than anything. i had to be weak so i could learn to depend on Him. and im still learning. [big time.]

i feel like im the weakest person i know, while others tell me im the strongest woman they kno. but i cry all the time. sometimes i can barely get out of bed; sometimes i dont get out. i still have breakdowns. i worry about my health, money, my family. i doubt God at times. i feel lost & confused and i give in to dispair. i have overwhelming displays of emotion. sometimes i give in to the weakness of my flesh...im double minded. i know what God said yet i renege on it. im so weak.

but yet & still God is strong. and im learnin to depend on Him.