who understands...

who understands the pain of having someone cut you so deep, hurt you so bad, basically rip your heart in shreds, yet you can't totally cut them out of your life? the pain of having one of the people you love the most in the world make you feel unloved, unworthy, and unwanted?

who understands the ambivalence of hating this person with the very fiber of your being, yet loving them still? having no control over that love, because you loved them before you even knew who you were. knowing that the reason they did what they did was because they were hurting too, that someone they loved made them feel the same way and for some reason, they could only respond in kind?

who understands the frustration when this person calls you and says that you're the only one who understands, praises you for qualities that, let's face it, their hurt manifested in you. the one good thing you can say came from the relationship, is that you are impossibly strong.....

who understands the slight panic that envelopes your heart when you imagine the day that you will have to explain to this person, and your future spouse & in-laws, why you can't (not won't, but physically can't) let this person walk you down the aisle, because 1) it makes you slightly nauseous & you begin to have a small panic attack trying to visualize the walk and, oh no! the sentimental dance that comes later and 2) you feel like he gave up the rights to that privilege years ago. you have to look into those eyes, filled with hurt and confusion, and tell him why...

"i was a daddy's girl, and you ruined that. the things you said, the things you did, the way you looked at me...all i ever wanted was for you to love me. and even tho i never made you pay for it, even tho i've always tried to forgive you and continue to cultivate a relationship with you, everytime i talk to you or see you, a part of me always remembers. a part of me always deflates. and i don't want those memories invading on my wedding day."

or maybe i'll look into those eyes and sigh, knowing once again that i will sacrifice my happiness for yours, so you will have something to boast about, tear up about, remember with fondness...and i will have hope that maybe, just maybe my daddy really does loves me, and was too hurt/messed up inside to adequately show it.

if you understand the pain, could you please come over and give me a hug? i really need it right now.