lonely, but never alone

i learned a lot about myself this week.

i am less alone than i sometimes think i am. but i am more alone than i realized.

[dont worry if you dont get it.]

its unreal, my contradictory nature. im a walking oxymoron; an ambivalent, complex thing. i wish i wasnt. i wish i was always sure of my footing. i wish i always said what i wanted, how i wanted, when i wanted. did what i needed, when it needed to be done, how it needed to be done. but im not, and i dont.

one thing i am now very confident about - i understand where and how i fit in certain places. i may not like it, but at least i know. it's easier to react when you know. it's easier to plan when you know.

it's easier to fix the file boxes of people, events, issues, and situations when i know.

what i also know is this: i can allow or not allow certain things in my life; for those things i cannot control, i can control how i react.

i am intelligent, strong, and beautiful. and God is closer to me than the vein in my neck.
i am precious, like a pearl laying by itself inside an oyster.
i am lonely, yet never alone.