it's a new year, everybody, and i've noticed something.
i used to have this thing. i dont know what to call it. but i'd be sitting, standing, laying, minding my business, watching tv, doing work, etc. and i would see something out the corner of my eye. it would scare the living mess out of me. my heart would stop, my insides would drop, and my head would pound. i'd quickly look to my right (it was almost always on my right) to see if it was what i thought. but alas, every time it would scurry away before i got a good look.
and what did i think it was?
a demon.
all i really saw was a shadowy, dense, dark figure crawling on the wall, or through the door...but in my spirit i knew it was a demon. say what you like, think what you like. i am not making this up, and yes that's what i think it was.
so, the thing that i've noticed?
it's gone.
the past few months, i've been pretty silent on this blog. part of it was just being busy, as i've crafted several posts in my head that i will post on here soon. but part of it is also because i have been learning, growing, changing. i've been having some soul altering changes, learning more about DeAnna, and changing who i am. i've messed up, been successful, encountered new things, fell down, been confused, lost, found, happy...you get the picture. but most importantly, ive faced (i believe) ALL of my past demons.
which has been scary.
some things i've resolved and some things i understand are gonna affect me the rest of my life (and im kind of nervous about that). but i've faced them all head on and come to terms with it all.
so maybe, thats why they don't come to visit me in the middle of the day anymore =)
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
forgiveness
so ive been on forgiveness lately. forgiving myself. forgiving God. forgiving others. in that order.
because im hardest on myself, i fault myself for a lot of things. and i have to truly forgive myself to recognize my true worth.
i have to admit that im mad at God [which ive done] and i have to admit when im mad at other people, even if my logic says im not mad at them anymore. my feelings may say differently. logically i know that i shouldnt be mad at God. logically i know things some ppl do arent on purpose...but that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt and im not harboring feelings. its about being honest.
one of my sisters who is the founder of a production company is working on a project. and she reached out to me about some things. recently i got an email from her asking my thoughts on forgiveness. which was another push from God telling me that i needed to work on this area in my life. so i thought on it for some days and finally responded:
"I think that forgiveness is an everyday thing. I read something the other day that said "Until we are mature enough to understand that God uses everything for good in our lives, we harbor resentment for things we would change if we were God. The antidote is to realize that God always acts in our best interest, even when it is painful and you don't understand it. But releasing your resentment and revealing your feelings are the first steps to healing."I honestly don't understand why things happened the way they did. And when I think about what happened or if I happen to run into someone connected, I can feel those same emotions I had during that time welling up. It's not as strong, but it's like a dull ache. Like when it's about to rain and old people's joints act up, an old injury that is healed but aches sometimes. I don't feel resentment, but I still feel something. As I come to terms with my feelings about what happened (not necessarily come to terms with what happened, I don't know if that will ever happen), I release feelings I didn't even know I held onto. Something bad happened to me and I don't understand it. Even though it still hurts, I can see that God is still with me.The people responsible for this were human, just like me. I've hurt a lot of people as well; maybe not like this, or this deep, but hurt is hurt. I don't know what those people were subjected to to make them do the things they did. So I don't hate them. I don't want to be around them, but I don't hate them anymore. I don't hate me anymore. But when the memory comes up, I have to forgive all over again. It's a conscious, active decision."
soul altering changes
ive been reading a purpose driven life for the second time. i started reading it with a group of friends from diff states, sharing our thoughts in a facebook group. but as i really got into it deeper, i realized that i had to slow down....
in the book rick warren says to read one short chapter a day so you can really understand and apply what you read. however, i was finding that i need to meditate on things more than a day. sometimes i read only a few paragraphs...
and this is where i am now, ive been sitting on this one paragraph for many days now, because i feel i have to deal with it before moving on. i cant move on, bc everytime i open the book i think about this passage:
its so much in there that stuck out to me. the fact that i may never understand why certain things happened to me bugs me! sometimes i wonder like, God, could you have allowed something less painful to happen to me that would have taught me the same lesson? things that i would change if i was God...[smh. why do we want to be God so much tho?]
and i realized that deep inside me, no matter if i loved God and truly wanted to be close to Him [which i do], i couldnt. because i didnt fully trust Him. "why would i want to be God's friend if He allowed this?" i did think that! and i was no longer denying it.
it took me all those days to pour out my feelings to God. its true that healing cant happen until you release the feelings. and its not like those feelings magically disappear [lol they dont]. or all of a sudden you now know why things happened [i wish]. but [for me at least] it took so much off of my heart and i was totally vulnerable. and totally open to God.
and something happened. it was very subtle. it was a soul altering change really. my perspective on things changed. life is really about perspective and how you view things. thats why paul said he could be content in any circumstance. thats why people can say they live their lives for God yet not be pastors. its your perspective and how/why you do what you do. its about how i see my situation and how i handle my situation.
i still dont understand a lot of things. but im more secure in knowing that its ok, and trusting God with everything.
friends share secrets. God wants to share His secrets to us...moses said to God "if im so special to you, let me in on your plans!" and God did. but they were close friends and you cant just expect someone to share all with you when youre not close. and the closer we draw to Him the closer He brings His kingdom to our side [as my dean says].
and that truly is amazing.
im ready to move on.
in the book rick warren says to read one short chapter a day so you can really understand and apply what you read. however, i was finding that i need to meditate on things more than a day. sometimes i read only a few paragraphs...
and this is where i am now, ive been sitting on this one paragraph for many days now, because i feel i have to deal with it before moving on. i cant move on, bc everytime i open the book i think about this passage:
"Genuine friendship is built on disclosure. What may appear as audacity God views as authenticity...It is likely that you need to confess some hidden anger and resent at God for certain areas of your life where you have felt cheated or disappointed. Until we mature enough to understand that God uses everything for good in our lives, we harbor resentment toward God over our appearance, background, unanswered prayers, past hurts, and other things we would change if we were God...bitterness is the greatest barrier to friendship with God: Why would I want to be God's friend if He allowed this? The antidote, of course, is to realize that God always acts in your best interest, even when it is painful and you don't understand it. But releasing your resentment and revealing your feeling is the first step to healing."
its so much in there that stuck out to me. the fact that i may never understand why certain things happened to me bugs me! sometimes i wonder like, God, could you have allowed something less painful to happen to me that would have taught me the same lesson? things that i would change if i was God...[smh. why do we want to be God so much tho?]
and i realized that deep inside me, no matter if i loved God and truly wanted to be close to Him [which i do], i couldnt. because i didnt fully trust Him. "why would i want to be God's friend if He allowed this?" i did think that! and i was no longer denying it.
it took me all those days to pour out my feelings to God. its true that healing cant happen until you release the feelings. and its not like those feelings magically disappear [lol they dont]. or all of a sudden you now know why things happened [i wish]. but [for me at least] it took so much off of my heart and i was totally vulnerable. and totally open to God.
and something happened. it was very subtle. it was a soul altering change really. my perspective on things changed. life is really about perspective and how you view things. thats why paul said he could be content in any circumstance. thats why people can say they live their lives for God yet not be pastors. its your perspective and how/why you do what you do. its about how i see my situation and how i handle my situation.
i still dont understand a lot of things. but im more secure in knowing that its ok, and trusting God with everything.
friends share secrets. God wants to share His secrets to us...moses said to God "if im so special to you, let me in on your plans!" and God did. but they were close friends and you cant just expect someone to share all with you when youre not close. and the closer we draw to Him the closer He brings His kingdom to our side [as my dean says].
and that truly is amazing.
im ready to move on.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
good enough
im a perfectionist. ill say it.
im a perfectionist AND im so frickin independent. all my life, i was supposed to have my stuff together bc i was the one who helped everyone. ppl were in my life to receive help, not to give help to me. i was supposed to solve my problems, and theirs as well.
this journey ive been taking the last year or so, has showed me that thats not the case. i cant do it all.
i guess im doing better with sharing my problems, reaching out for help, and not feelin obligated to solve others problems or make them feel better.
however, i still had this thing....about relationships. bc ive had so many one sided relationships, i know how lonely and frustratin it is to feel like you do everything for a person you care about, and they dont do that for you. so i dont want any of my relationships to be like that. i dont wanna be a moocher. but sometimes in relationships, one person is going to be going thru while the other person is ok. and when it happens, i feel guilty if im the one receiving.
i feel guilty when i receive and i have nothing to give back. or i have less to give back. maybe bc ultimately, i dont feel like i deserve it. i was brought up being drilled that you only deserved something if you earned it, and sometimes when you do feel like youve earned it, your efforts still arent good enough. so try harder, bc its better to do more than not enough.
well. i have to realize that sometimes, my best wont be good enough. i cant solve some problems. i can only be there, do what i can, let God do the rest.
and honestly, i cant be in another romantic relationship until i stop feeling like no matter what i do, im still not good enough. its hard to get rid of like 2 decades of bein told youre not good enough. but if i feel like im not good enough, i never will be.
im too hard on myself sometimes. i can clearly see where God wants me to be. i can see where ive came from. and i can clearly see where i am. where i am is not where i want to be, and thats ok. i will never be perfect, bc im human. my mind says this logically, but its still getting thru to my heart.
things that other women feel like are their rights, bc they are precious beings, i dont necessarily feel the same. i wasnt raised like that. women werent respected or treasured in my life. you dont get special treatment as a woman, you learn to be strong and fend for yourself and earn whatever favors you get.
ive had to think about this a lot lately.
do i finally feel like im good enough? i dont know. i still see so many issues that i feel should be resolved. i still feel like i shouldnt burden anyone with all this crap. but i think, when i love ppl, their issues arent really a burden to me bc i love them so much.
its my responsibility to get a hold on my issues. its my responsibility to keep workin on them, keep seeking God, not hiding from things...all that.
but i also deserve someone who loves me enough that my issues arent that big to them. i deserve someone who doesnt think i have to earn their love. i deserve someone who treasures me.
u kno, they are gonna be times when i make mistakes, where i forget something. there are gonna be times when im not good enough. but thats what grace is for.
when you love a person, you see their faults, their good qualities, their habits, their issues, their insecurities, and their potential. and you want to help them and walk with them thru life, continually growing and learning WITH them.
im not good enough. but who is?
im growing, im pushing forward, and thats good enough.
having more [or less] issues does not qualify you for special treatment. there are some things that are thrown your way in life that you have no power over. its how you handle your life that determines what you are mature enough for.
im a perfectionist AND im so frickin independent. all my life, i was supposed to have my stuff together bc i was the one who helped everyone. ppl were in my life to receive help, not to give help to me. i was supposed to solve my problems, and theirs as well.
this journey ive been taking the last year or so, has showed me that thats not the case. i cant do it all.
i guess im doing better with sharing my problems, reaching out for help, and not feelin obligated to solve others problems or make them feel better.
however, i still had this thing....about relationships. bc ive had so many one sided relationships, i know how lonely and frustratin it is to feel like you do everything for a person you care about, and they dont do that for you. so i dont want any of my relationships to be like that. i dont wanna be a moocher. but sometimes in relationships, one person is going to be going thru while the other person is ok. and when it happens, i feel guilty if im the one receiving.
i feel guilty when i receive and i have nothing to give back. or i have less to give back. maybe bc ultimately, i dont feel like i deserve it. i was brought up being drilled that you only deserved something if you earned it, and sometimes when you do feel like youve earned it, your efforts still arent good enough. so try harder, bc its better to do more than not enough.
well. i have to realize that sometimes, my best wont be good enough. i cant solve some problems. i can only be there, do what i can, let God do the rest.
and honestly, i cant be in another romantic relationship until i stop feeling like no matter what i do, im still not good enough. its hard to get rid of like 2 decades of bein told youre not good enough. but if i feel like im not good enough, i never will be.
im too hard on myself sometimes. i can clearly see where God wants me to be. i can see where ive came from. and i can clearly see where i am. where i am is not where i want to be, and thats ok. i will never be perfect, bc im human. my mind says this logically, but its still getting thru to my heart.
things that other women feel like are their rights, bc they are precious beings, i dont necessarily feel the same. i wasnt raised like that. women werent respected or treasured in my life. you dont get special treatment as a woman, you learn to be strong and fend for yourself and earn whatever favors you get.
ive had to think about this a lot lately.
do i finally feel like im good enough? i dont know. i still see so many issues that i feel should be resolved. i still feel like i shouldnt burden anyone with all this crap. but i think, when i love ppl, their issues arent really a burden to me bc i love them so much.
its my responsibility to get a hold on my issues. its my responsibility to keep workin on them, keep seeking God, not hiding from things...all that.
but i also deserve someone who loves me enough that my issues arent that big to them. i deserve someone who doesnt think i have to earn their love. i deserve someone who treasures me.
u kno, they are gonna be times when i make mistakes, where i forget something. there are gonna be times when im not good enough. but thats what grace is for.
when you love a person, you see their faults, their good qualities, their habits, their issues, their insecurities, and their potential. and you want to help them and walk with them thru life, continually growing and learning WITH them.
im not good enough. but who is?
im growing, im pushing forward, and thats good enough.
having more [or less] issues does not qualify you for special treatment. there are some things that are thrown your way in life that you have no power over. its how you handle your life that determines what you are mature enough for.
"I am STILL confident that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27: 13-14
the forehead kiss
sigh. the forehead kiss.
is this not the most wonderful of kisses?
. . .
maybe its just me then.
its remarkable the tangle of emotions you can feel depending on the person giving the kiss as well. no matter what, forehead kisses bring me back to feelin like a little girl. for some reason, a kiss on the forehead calms me down, relaxes me. it makes me feel safe, secure, protected.
only [maybe] 3 men have given me the forehead kiss, which is just perfect because it shouldnt be something wasted. my brother, maybe my father, and my road dog.
my brother always makes me feel protected. point blank, period. he has my heart.
my father, there was/are a lot of mixed emotions there. dont care to go into that right now.
my road dog...ah. ah the best forehead kiss ever. its like an electrical circuit, love being passed. its like comfort, its emotion that is unspeakable, words that havent been made yet. i feel like a child being cradled thru the storm. its gentle, yet powerful. it quickens my heart [not in a lustful way]. it almost brings tears and def brings a smile and a sigh. its just the epitome of...of something. knowin that that person will never leave you. lives and circumstances change, but that person will always be there for you.
i wonder if it works the other way too...if i can give a forehead kiss to a man and it be that powerful...
bc i def would like to share that feelin with someone(s).
is this not the most wonderful of kisses?
. . .
maybe its just me then.
its remarkable the tangle of emotions you can feel depending on the person giving the kiss as well. no matter what, forehead kisses bring me back to feelin like a little girl. for some reason, a kiss on the forehead calms me down, relaxes me. it makes me feel safe, secure, protected.
only [maybe] 3 men have given me the forehead kiss, which is just perfect because it shouldnt be something wasted. my brother, maybe my father, and my road dog.
my brother always makes me feel protected. point blank, period. he has my heart.
my father, there was/are a lot of mixed emotions there. dont care to go into that right now.
my road dog...ah. ah the best forehead kiss ever. its like an electrical circuit, love being passed. its like comfort, its emotion that is unspeakable, words that havent been made yet. i feel like a child being cradled thru the storm. its gentle, yet powerful. it quickens my heart [not in a lustful way]. it almost brings tears and def brings a smile and a sigh. its just the epitome of...of something. knowin that that person will never leave you. lives and circumstances change, but that person will always be there for you.
i wonder if it works the other way too...if i can give a forehead kiss to a man and it be that powerful...
bc i def would like to share that feelin with someone(s).
my story
so, i thought back and realized i should have posted this before my last post. but its ok. heres me backtracking. i originally wrote this post for Praise{Break}. check that out too. enjoy.
I was majoring in architecture at Howard University, making my mother proud and planning a future life where I had a lot of money [which I never had] and provided for my family. I was doing what everyone wanted me to do, what I was supposed to do.
But I didn't want to be an architect.
I mean, I am interested in architecture, like I'm interested in a lot of things. I would have been okay as an architect, eventually, I think. But it wasn't my passion and I started to see that maybe it wasn't my plan.
I wanted to do event planning [specifically for non-profits]. I realized this around my sophomore year at Howard, and I put it out of my mind. That wasn't part of anyone's plan for my life. Except it was someone's plan--God's.
I was hardheaded; no matter what confirmation I got about this, I did not listen. It just didn't seem possible to pursue it and be successful, especially since Howard didn't have that option. I mentioned it, slightly, to a few people, and they of course shut it down, not knowing I was secretly serious. But when they shot it down, so did I. I kept putting it off my mind until last December. I was being attacked mentally, emotionally, financially, and having family and school issues. That's when I really started re-evaluating my life and the direction I was going.
I withdrew from Howard this past February. I plan on going to George Washington University for their event management certificate program and taking the certification exam within the next few years. This was a hard, scary decision, and a lot of pain and heartache happened before and after I finally submitted to God and pursued my passion.
I believe there are different paths to take. Your work can be your passion, or you can work and do your passion as volunteer work, or work and do your passion when you retire, etc...and none of these are the "right" answer. You are an individual, and you have to listen to God [whatever you do in your "you and God time"] so you know and understand what is your path to take.
Don't let fear and doubt paralyze you. I've watched my friends celebrate as they graduated this May, or [for my architecture friends] celebrate because they only have a year left. I've cried knowing that it may not happen for me, or if it does, it's going to be a while. [Event Management does not require a degree, but I am thinking of getting a degree in graphic design.] But that is their story, and this is mine. I had to realize that. YOU have to realize that.
Make your life YOUR story, and not a spin-off of someone else's idea of a sitcom.
Watch my video to see the in-depth story.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
my plans
everyone wants to know what is going on with me and my professional life. i was actually talkin to my tre about it.
my plans were to save money so that i can enroll in george washington university's event management program. complete the program, my praticum hours, and my portfolio. take the exams so i can be an event planner as well as a bridal consultant. pay howard so that i can go back and get a degree in design, just so i could have a bachelors in something [and it pertains to what im going to do]. start my business: elixir events and design.
so i started to work on my scheme. i know exactly how im going to do this GW thing. so i was really working on my HU scheme. you know, classes i need to take and when to take them. as i was looking, i just got really frustrated. why you ask?
bc i have completed a lot of classes at howard. some do pertain to design and meet the requirements for that major. but i think some things are very stupid.
in architecture, when you get a scheme, it pretty much says "take these classes listed. for your electives, pick out of these electives. pass the classes. graduate." makes sense to me. classes all deal with my major, even most of my electives. i do have to take that one african american studies class that all HU students must take, but i made mine blacks in the arts. i have to take pe for 2 semesters of course bc they want to pretend like they keepin us healthy.
what doesnt make sense to me is COAS. the heck is a liberal arts division, and why do i need to take it if it doesnt pertain to my major? im ok with taking speech bc in my job ill have to make presentations and communicate. but i dont see any reason i need freshman seminar. and why is swimming a requirement for graduation? and i surely dont need philosophy, i think too much already.
i feel like if i go back to some traditional school to get a bachelors, im wasting...why is that? bc i have to cut back on work to go back, yet i still have to pay bills plus pay for school. the financial aid i would get would be all government grants and loans [since i dont qualify for any other loans and dont want them anyways...there are outside scholarships that i would have to lose sleep to find & apply, takin away more time lol] which just cover tuition and i have to continue to pay for bills and the rest of school on my own but with less money. then wen its all done, i have to pay the government back for classes that i took that had NOTHING to do with my degree.
also, im just in another mindset. im in a hands on mode. lets go out and do it. live life and work. learn what i need to do my job effectively and then go do it. learn about myself and who i am in God. i dont mind sitting in a classroom setting learning, if im takin notes that i kno i will use later when i actually do it.
plus, the only reason i want to go back and get a degree is bc i feel so much pressure. everyone is asking me when am i going back to school. when will i graduate. what will my major be. will i still go to howard. and tellin me that the only way you will get a job nowadays is if you have a degree....
yet i just realized the other day that im happy. i like hustling. i like being busy. i like doing several things. i like knowin how to get money no matter what [i definitely like that im past the stage of learning humility and how to seek help, that i no longer have to ask ppl to borrow money]. i like earning money by helping people and making them happy in several different ways. i would be perfectly fine if i didnt have a degree. i would just keep doing what im doing--doing what im asked, doing what i see is needed, doing what i love [and what i dont love too sometimes]
i know what its like to struggle financially, and so most of my life was spent in countless hours worrying and planning and controlling to ensure that that wouldnt happen again. but being a good steward over your money isnt just about making a lot of it and saving it all. for the first time in my life, im comfortable with where i am with money. i have a budget so i dont overspend [im not a big spender anyways]. i make enough to save [which will be depleted when i start at GW, but i know i can build it back up]. im content. yes i would like to make more simply bc i know life throws crazy things at us. and i would like to help my family out, plus save up for my future family.
but the fact is, success isnt about money for me anymore. yes i want to have enough money to pay for my and my family's needs. but more and more im not stressing about it bc when im obedient to God and not worrying, i find that it all works out. success, for me, is fulfilling the purposes for which God created me, called me to do. and im discovering more and more everyday what that is.
well, what do i want tho, for my future?
i want to plan events and programs [weddings, conferences, seminars, conventions, parties, concerts, forums, shows, etc.]. design stuff that makes ppl happy. give ppl their visions that they couldnt accomplish alone and make it reality. make my visions come to life. have people smile. help ppl to look good and feel good about themselves. raise my family as God ordains. serve my husband. run around and do stuff for my church, ANQ, beacon, and my community. DANCE. and most importantly, i want to serve God and know i have done my best to surrender to Him and His will.
best of all, i know God has given me talents. gifts. personality traits. experiences. and people. and the most important question is, what does HE want for my future, why did He gift me with these things?
so, even tho ppl give me concerned, bewildered, even pained looks and talk to me in gentle and/or stern tones, i will continue to look for the answer to that question, and that question only. right now, i know going to GW is in my future. getting a bachelors degree is something i am still praying about, simply bc its so many feelings tied up in that my confusion makes it hard to hear God clearly. i havent gotten any confirmation one way or another.
so until i do, im just going to continue to do the things i know He has for me to do right now. and He'll show me the rest as long as i listen and obey.
my plans were to save money so that i can enroll in george washington university's event management program. complete the program, my praticum hours, and my portfolio. take the exams so i can be an event planner as well as a bridal consultant. pay howard so that i can go back and get a degree in design, just so i could have a bachelors in something [and it pertains to what im going to do]. start my business: elixir events and design.
so i started to work on my scheme. i know exactly how im going to do this GW thing. so i was really working on my HU scheme. you know, classes i need to take and when to take them. as i was looking, i just got really frustrated. why you ask?
bc i have completed a lot of classes at howard. some do pertain to design and meet the requirements for that major. but i think some things are very stupid.
in architecture, when you get a scheme, it pretty much says "take these classes listed. for your electives, pick out of these electives. pass the classes. graduate." makes sense to me. classes all deal with my major, even most of my electives. i do have to take that one african american studies class that all HU students must take, but i made mine blacks in the arts. i have to take pe for 2 semesters of course bc they want to pretend like they keepin us healthy.
what doesnt make sense to me is COAS. the heck is a liberal arts division, and why do i need to take it if it doesnt pertain to my major? im ok with taking speech bc in my job ill have to make presentations and communicate. but i dont see any reason i need freshman seminar. and why is swimming a requirement for graduation? and i surely dont need philosophy, i think too much already.
i feel like if i go back to some traditional school to get a bachelors, im wasting...why is that? bc i have to cut back on work to go back, yet i still have to pay bills plus pay for school. the financial aid i would get would be all government grants and loans [since i dont qualify for any other loans and dont want them anyways...there are outside scholarships that i would have to lose sleep to find & apply, takin away more time lol] which just cover tuition and i have to continue to pay for bills and the rest of school on my own but with less money. then wen its all done, i have to pay the government back for classes that i took that had NOTHING to do with my degree.
also, im just in another mindset. im in a hands on mode. lets go out and do it. live life and work. learn what i need to do my job effectively and then go do it. learn about myself and who i am in God. i dont mind sitting in a classroom setting learning, if im takin notes that i kno i will use later when i actually do it.
plus, the only reason i want to go back and get a degree is bc i feel so much pressure. everyone is asking me when am i going back to school. when will i graduate. what will my major be. will i still go to howard. and tellin me that the only way you will get a job nowadays is if you have a degree....
yet i just realized the other day that im happy. i like hustling. i like being busy. i like doing several things. i like knowin how to get money no matter what [i definitely like that im past the stage of learning humility and how to seek help, that i no longer have to ask ppl to borrow money]. i like earning money by helping people and making them happy in several different ways. i would be perfectly fine if i didnt have a degree. i would just keep doing what im doing--doing what im asked, doing what i see is needed, doing what i love [and what i dont love too sometimes]
i know what its like to struggle financially, and so most of my life was spent in countless hours worrying and planning and controlling to ensure that that wouldnt happen again. but being a good steward over your money isnt just about making a lot of it and saving it all. for the first time in my life, im comfortable with where i am with money. i have a budget so i dont overspend [im not a big spender anyways]. i make enough to save [which will be depleted when i start at GW, but i know i can build it back up]. im content. yes i would like to make more simply bc i know life throws crazy things at us. and i would like to help my family out, plus save up for my future family.
but the fact is, success isnt about money for me anymore. yes i want to have enough money to pay for my and my family's needs. but more and more im not stressing about it bc when im obedient to God and not worrying, i find that it all works out. success, for me, is fulfilling the purposes for which God created me, called me to do. and im discovering more and more everyday what that is.
well, what do i want tho, for my future?
i want to plan events and programs [weddings, conferences, seminars, conventions, parties, concerts, forums, shows, etc.]. design stuff that makes ppl happy. give ppl their visions that they couldnt accomplish alone and make it reality. make my visions come to life. have people smile. help ppl to look good and feel good about themselves. raise my family as God ordains. serve my husband. run around and do stuff for my church, ANQ, beacon, and my community. DANCE. and most importantly, i want to serve God and know i have done my best to surrender to Him and His will.
best of all, i know God has given me talents. gifts. personality traits. experiences. and people. and the most important question is, what does HE want for my future, why did He gift me with these things?
so, even tho ppl give me concerned, bewildered, even pained looks and talk to me in gentle and/or stern tones, i will continue to look for the answer to that question, and that question only. right now, i know going to GW is in my future. getting a bachelors degree is something i am still praying about, simply bc its so many feelings tied up in that my confusion makes it hard to hear God clearly. i havent gotten any confirmation one way or another.
so until i do, im just going to continue to do the things i know He has for me to do right now. and He'll show me the rest as long as i listen and obey.
my heart
the other day [lol my tre gets on to me for sayin this phrase wen "the other day" to me could mean months ago] i was riding the bus downtown to get a new phone. i sat down, with my earphones on, with an open book [both precautions, signs that should have said DONT TALK TO ME] next to a nice looking young man who looked about 18 or thereabouts. i was enjoyin my fred hammond when he spoke to me.
my first inclination was to sigh, but i restrained myself. he asked me where i was from, a question im used to hearing [apparently i dont look like im regular black, which i am. i look like i come from another country...which im kinda sure (lol) some of my ancestors did, just very very long ago.] this blossomed into a conversation about travel, and i guess from some of the things i was saying he realized that i was older than he thought.
of course. bc i look like a 15 year old. which wen im 40 ill appreciate because by then ill look like im in my late twenties. [but right now i just would like to wear my khakis and not look like a middleschooler.]
anyways, off the rant. the boy went to howard, was a freshman, and was thoroughly shocked that i was older than him. it was a nice convo that had me thinkin all day.
not really about the convo but about his reaction.
see, i know i look young, which is a reason i think imma be old(er) before i get a husband. the kind of man i want/need prob wouldnt wanna talk to me bc he would think im jailbait. then i started thinkin of all the reasons that i dont have a man right now and why i think i wont for a while.
the list goes on. then i thought, why am i doin this to myself? im just reaffirming to myself things that will only get me down...but then i realized that i had to evaluate myself, lay it all down, so i can work on it.
i heard one of my line sisters say the other day that she didnt want to be in a relationship bc when she thought about men her heart just locked up. i dont feel that im that way, bc when i think about men/love/relationships, my heart overflows...
ive already established that i feel hard/deeply. i love hard too. and i want to give my everything to someone, its like a burning desire in me. but it seems i have this mental wall up, bc altho i love ppl hard, its hard for me to trust them. and thats bc of my past i kno....but unless i have a feeling of instant trust when i meet you, its gonna take years for me to build a simple trust.
and i need a deep trust for a intimate relationship [romantic or otherwise]. which is why i shut down men. i feel like most of the men i know who approach me [that are my friends, im not gonna start anything with someone off the street that asks for or gives me their number] dont know me. they arent really friends [bc my friends wouldnt approach me, bc they know how i am...they would just go about their business and keep gettin to know me, pray, and wait for the right time], they are acquaintances who say that they like me romantically and wanna be my man. but....if i feel like you dont know me, im going to say no. how u wanna be my man and u dont KNOW me?
so i say, well, we dont know each other. lets keep bein friends and see what happens. and what usually (99%) happens is that a few months later they have a girlfriend.
so i guess, the only kind of relationship i wouldnt shut down if they asked to take it to the next level is if the man is one of my best friends. we have a solid friendship, others probably think we are already dating or should be bc we talk frequently about everything, hang out a lot...and it kinda just happens, evolves til its unavoidable lol.
i need to know that u know some of my secrets and still like who i am. i need to know that you see me at my weak points and still think im strong. i need to know that when i hurt you, wen we hurt each other, youll still care about me. i need to know that you know me, my personality, my heart, my mind, my interests, my intelligence, my emotions, my faults, my issues, my mistakes, my past----you see ME and yet you want me still.
bc i cant say "yes im your girl" to someone who i havent shared certain things with. i cant say that to someone who doesnt know enough about me. bc im scared that youll find out something in a few weeks that you cant live with.
yeah, thats pretty much it. im scarred & im scared, so i think thats why i think about this so extensively. but as with all my issues, im prayin on it and workin thru it....
so lets be friends. when we get to a certain point that one of us needs to stop, thats the level of our friendship. and when we discover that we never want to stop, then we will continue to grow together, change and learn about each other over and over again, forever.
my heart is too fragile, too precious, and too big to pass around.
my first inclination was to sigh, but i restrained myself. he asked me where i was from, a question im used to hearing [apparently i dont look like im regular black, which i am. i look like i come from another country...which im kinda sure (lol) some of my ancestors did, just very very long ago.] this blossomed into a conversation about travel, and i guess from some of the things i was saying he realized that i was older than he thought.
of course. bc i look like a 15 year old. which wen im 40 ill appreciate because by then ill look like im in my late twenties. [but right now i just would like to wear my khakis and not look like a middleschooler.]
anyways, off the rant. the boy went to howard, was a freshman, and was thoroughly shocked that i was older than him. it was a nice convo that had me thinkin all day.
not really about the convo but about his reaction.
see, i know i look young, which is a reason i think imma be old(er) before i get a husband. the kind of man i want/need prob wouldnt wanna talk to me bc he would think im jailbait. then i started thinkin of all the reasons that i dont have a man right now and why i think i wont for a while.
1. i shut down everyone. i dont like to be approached in that way. romantically. not by strangers. not by friends either really. why not by friends you ask? bc....
2. i dont really have a lot of male friends. not closeclose ones that would be potential. actually, i would say 98% of my male friends/acquaintances are in ANQ.
3. i look like a baby. middle aged men approach me bc they are pedophiles, and teenagers approach me bc they think im their age.
4. for some reason i only attract hood niccas. and i really dont like them...they make me wanna roll my eyes, question their manhood, use big words to demean them...or i attract immature guys who always need advice from me [eye roll]. i just want a calm, uber silly, wise, mature, "nice" [preferably nerdy] guy.
the list goes on. then i thought, why am i doin this to myself? im just reaffirming to myself things that will only get me down...but then i realized that i had to evaluate myself, lay it all down, so i can work on it.
i heard one of my line sisters say the other day that she didnt want to be in a relationship bc when she thought about men her heart just locked up. i dont feel that im that way, bc when i think about men/love/relationships, my heart overflows...
ive already established that i feel hard/deeply. i love hard too. and i want to give my everything to someone, its like a burning desire in me. but it seems i have this mental wall up, bc altho i love ppl hard, its hard for me to trust them. and thats bc of my past i kno....but unless i have a feeling of instant trust when i meet you, its gonna take years for me to build a simple trust.
and i need a deep trust for a intimate relationship [romantic or otherwise]. which is why i shut down men. i feel like most of the men i know who approach me [that are my friends, im not gonna start anything with someone off the street that asks for or gives me their number] dont know me. they arent really friends [bc my friends wouldnt approach me, bc they know how i am...they would just go about their business and keep gettin to know me, pray, and wait for the right time], they are acquaintances who say that they like me romantically and wanna be my man. but....if i feel like you dont know me, im going to say no. how u wanna be my man and u dont KNOW me?
so i say, well, we dont know each other. lets keep bein friends and see what happens. and what usually (99%) happens is that a few months later they have a girlfriend.
so i guess, the only kind of relationship i wouldnt shut down if they asked to take it to the next level is if the man is one of my best friends. we have a solid friendship, others probably think we are already dating or should be bc we talk frequently about everything, hang out a lot...and it kinda just happens, evolves til its unavoidable lol.
i need to know that u know some of my secrets and still like who i am. i need to know that you see me at my weak points and still think im strong. i need to know that when i hurt you, wen we hurt each other, youll still care about me. i need to know that you know me, my personality, my heart, my mind, my interests, my intelligence, my emotions, my faults, my issues, my mistakes, my past----you see ME and yet you want me still.
bc i cant say "yes im your girl" to someone who i havent shared certain things with. i cant say that to someone who doesnt know enough about me. bc im scared that youll find out something in a few weeks that you cant live with.
yeah, thats pretty much it. im scarred & im scared, so i think thats why i think about this so extensively. but as with all my issues, im prayin on it and workin thru it....
so lets be friends. when we get to a certain point that one of us needs to stop, thats the level of our friendship. and when we discover that we never want to stop, then we will continue to grow together, change and learn about each other over and over again, forever.
my heart is too fragile, too precious, and too big to pass around.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
weak
the older i get [or i should say, the deeper i walk wit God] the weaker i feel i become. i used 2 not allow anyone to see me cry [due to childhood experiences that showed me cryin was not the business, but thats another story]. i didnt ask for help & i was so good at providin for myself that ppl didnt even notice wen i was strugglin or in pain. i smiled all the time. when i was sick i pushed thru it. i could survive days without sleep.
but when i actively started to deal with my past, my issues, my insecurities, and desired to learn to depend on God, craziness started happening. i was cryin in public, prone to havin breakdowns in my room, where i felt such an overload of emotions that i felt crazy, couldnt breathe, couldnt do anything but lay & cry & silently pray.
[ive known for a long time that im an emotional person, moreso than most. i feel things very sharply, deeply, and very strongly. (that doesnt sound right lol.) but id always managed to stay aloof from it, bc feelin so much hurts a lot, esp wen its someone elses feelings that im feelin. i tend to be able to feel others feelings, and it gets confusing and painful...but thats another post.]
i was no longer able to figure out my own problems, and the ability to know what to say to others was waning. i would get/feel sick and not be able to push thru. i would not be able to sleep and then suddenly not be able to stay awake! [i who once was awake for 5 days straight!]
it was even more difficult bc i felt like i had no one but myself. i felt like this before all this started happening. i was fiercely independent. i was the one everyone turned to for answers for the longest time. family, friends, school. there werent many ppl i could ask for advice or how to do somethin and after i finally met some ppl, there werent many ppl i trusted enough....dixie [thas my mama for those who dont know] but i didnt like to bother her bc she had so much on her plate, i usually tried to help her out. so this whole thing was new to me, knowing how, where, and when to ask for assistance. i didnt know what to do or how to go about it.
i felt alone. i couldnt feel God, couldnt hear Him, no matter what i did. but that doesnt mean He wasnt there...sometimes God intentionally draws back at crucial points in our lives to test character, reveal weakness, and prepare us for more responsibility [like He did with Hezekiah in 2 Chronicles 32, he had a close relationship with God, but then God withdrew from Hezekiah in order to test him and to see what was really in his heart].
i was at my weakest. but God is always stronger than anything. i had to be weak so i could learn to depend on Him. and im still learning. [big time.]
i feel like im the weakest person i know, while others tell me im the strongest woman they kno. but i cry all the time. sometimes i can barely get out of bed; sometimes i dont get out. i still have breakdowns. i worry about my health, money, my family. i doubt God at times. i feel lost & confused and i give in to dispair. i have overwhelming displays of emotion. sometimes i give in to the weakness of my flesh...im double minded. i know what God said yet i renege on it. im so weak.
but yet & still God is strong. and im learnin to depend on Him.
but when i actively started to deal with my past, my issues, my insecurities, and desired to learn to depend on God, craziness started happening. i was cryin in public, prone to havin breakdowns in my room, where i felt such an overload of emotions that i felt crazy, couldnt breathe, couldnt do anything but lay & cry & silently pray.
[ive known for a long time that im an emotional person, moreso than most. i feel things very sharply, deeply, and very strongly. (that doesnt sound right lol.) but id always managed to stay aloof from it, bc feelin so much hurts a lot, esp wen its someone elses feelings that im feelin. i tend to be able to feel others feelings, and it gets confusing and painful...but thats another post.]
i was no longer able to figure out my own problems, and the ability to know what to say to others was waning. i would get/feel sick and not be able to push thru. i would not be able to sleep and then suddenly not be able to stay awake! [i who once was awake for 5 days straight!]
it was even more difficult bc i felt like i had no one but myself. i felt like this before all this started happening. i was fiercely independent. i was the one everyone turned to for answers for the longest time. family, friends, school. there werent many ppl i could ask for advice or how to do somethin and after i finally met some ppl, there werent many ppl i trusted enough....dixie [thas my mama for those who dont know] but i didnt like to bother her bc she had so much on her plate, i usually tried to help her out. so this whole thing was new to me, knowing how, where, and when to ask for assistance. i didnt know what to do or how to go about it.
i felt alone. i couldnt feel God, couldnt hear Him, no matter what i did. but that doesnt mean He wasnt there...sometimes God intentionally draws back at crucial points in our lives to test character, reveal weakness, and prepare us for more responsibility [like He did with Hezekiah in 2 Chronicles 32, he had a close relationship with God, but then God withdrew from Hezekiah in order to test him and to see what was really in his heart].
i was at my weakest. but God is always stronger than anything. i had to be weak so i could learn to depend on Him. and im still learning. [big time.]
i feel like im the weakest person i know, while others tell me im the strongest woman they kno. but i cry all the time. sometimes i can barely get out of bed; sometimes i dont get out. i still have breakdowns. i worry about my health, money, my family. i doubt God at times. i feel lost & confused and i give in to dispair. i have overwhelming displays of emotion. sometimes i give in to the weakness of my flesh...im double minded. i know what God said yet i renege on it. im so weak.
but yet & still God is strong. and im learnin to depend on Him.
Monday, October 3, 2011
lonely but never alone
say youre lonely around some Christian folks and its a cussword, i promise!
but why cant i be lonely? i think that ppl confuse the concept of loneliness with being alone.
im the type of person where i want to share everything, every part of me, with someone. i like sharing. and its cool that i have ppl in my life that i can share stuff with. but the bottom line is that i have this deep need to share EVERYTHING with one person.
one person who i trust fully and i feel ok with unburdening myself on them. with whom i can share ALL aspects of my personality, my spirit, my soul, my heart, mind, feelings, emotions, body, thoughts. do you understand?
and im not saying God isnt enough. as a matter of fact, God is more than enough. He is the only person who knows me better than me, who knows me entirely. the only person who is always there.
but let's face it, in no way is God going to have sex with me.
im just bein real ppl. no blasphemy so stop gasping.
maybe i should have said "God isnt gonna yell down to me." or "God wont bite my cheek to make me laugh." [lol then i wouldnt be me, now would i?]
im just saying that i want a human person in my life who i can share everything with. not leadin & guiding me like God. not taking God's place. but a person i can feel their breath as i tell them how i feel. who can be confused with me when we discuss the complexities of the universe. and who can just hold me when i need to be comforted.
but for some reason, as a Christian single woman, im not supposed to admit to being lonely all the time. loneliness is not ok...and i dont agree with that.
loneliness does make me turn to God. and sometimes after talkin to Him, im still lonely. but im more assured that i am never alone, even in the midst of my loneliness. its like being content in the midst of your trouble. trouble is still there, but you know God is too, doing His perfect work, and you are comforted by that fact. you can endure it in better spirits. you know that God recognizes your feelings and is providin for your needs in His infinite wisdom, His time table, His way.
i read something interesting a while back about Jesus in the garden of gethsemane.
it is not the feeling that is sinful or weak. it is how we deal with it. reaching out for human companionship is not sinful or weak, unless you do it without seeking God as well or if you participate in a sinful act bc you were lonely.
so, i guess what im sayin is im ready to admit to some things:
i love God more than anything. yet im still lonely.
but im never alone.
but why cant i be lonely? i think that ppl confuse the concept of loneliness with being alone.
im the type of person where i want to share everything, every part of me, with someone. i like sharing. and its cool that i have ppl in my life that i can share stuff with. but the bottom line is that i have this deep need to share EVERYTHING with one person.
one person who i trust fully and i feel ok with unburdening myself on them. with whom i can share ALL aspects of my personality, my spirit, my soul, my heart, mind, feelings, emotions, body, thoughts. do you understand?
and im not saying God isnt enough. as a matter of fact, God is more than enough. He is the only person who knows me better than me, who knows me entirely. the only person who is always there.
but let's face it, in no way is God going to have sex with me.
im just bein real ppl. no blasphemy so stop gasping.
maybe i should have said "God isnt gonna yell down to me." or "God wont bite my cheek to make me laugh." [lol then i wouldnt be me, now would i?]
im just saying that i want a human person in my life who i can share everything with. not leadin & guiding me like God. not taking God's place. but a person i can feel their breath as i tell them how i feel. who can be confused with me when we discuss the complexities of the universe. and who can just hold me when i need to be comforted.
but for some reason, as a Christian single woman, im not supposed to admit to being lonely all the time. loneliness is not ok...and i dont agree with that.
loneliness does make me turn to God. and sometimes after talkin to Him, im still lonely. but im more assured that i am never alone, even in the midst of my loneliness. its like being content in the midst of your trouble. trouble is still there, but you know God is too, doing His perfect work, and you are comforted by that fact. you can endure it in better spirits. you know that God recognizes your feelings and is providin for your needs in His infinite wisdom, His time table, His way.
i read something interesting a while back about Jesus in the garden of gethsemane.
he told his disciples to sit where they were while he went off and prayed. then he took 3 of his disciples [his road dogs] deeper into the garden with him [if Jesus had best friends He took with Him in certain places that He didnt take the others, then why cant us humans understand that sometimes, in some situations, you want certain ppl to be with you and not others? but thats another post, for another issue, for other ppl specifically, for another time].
ok so he told those 3 "my soul is crushed to the point of death; stay here and watch with me." check how Jesus emotions had built up so much inside of Him that He just wanted His friends to be around Him. thats all.
alright so then Jesus goes by Himself and starts talkin to God. wen He goes back to His friends, they are sleep! bammas! he wakes em up and says "yall bammas sleep? you couldnt even stay up and talk, chill, be there with me for an hour?!" how lonely must Jesus have been yo? three separate times His best friends abandon Him for SLEEP [lol im indignant for Jesus but as some ppl know, i would have been the first one asleep pretending like i wasnt]
Jesus, facin a hard time in His life, was communicating with God, yet He had a deep need for human companionship as well. He asked His friends to stay with Him and periodically checked to see if they were still there & awake! how many times do we do this late night on the phone, gchat, txt messages, when we are feeling lonely? Christ was neither sinful nor weak [bc He was/is perfect] so why do we think that we are sinful or weak when we experience loneliness?
it is not the feeling that is sinful or weak. it is how we deal with it. reaching out for human companionship is not sinful or weak, unless you do it without seeking God as well or if you participate in a sinful act bc you were lonely.
so, i guess what im sayin is im ready to admit to some things:
i love God more than anything. yet im still lonely.
but im never alone.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
STUDY
studying.
how many of us love it? lol. well i can honestly say there have been times when i enjoyed studying [if it was a subject i loved] but more often than not, i dont enjoy it.
but, we still study. and we study hard. why is that?
bc we know that in order to be successful in our future, we need it.
back that thang up. "in order to be successful in our future, we need it." [thats a truth right there.] but we dont apply it to the most important subject ever...we dont put nearly as much importance on Bible study as we do on scholastic studying.
we will study all night for a test. we will find all kinds of supplemental books to help us understand the subject better. we will have study groups. we will go to our teachers office hours. we will memorize portions, we will study on the bus, we will fill pages of notebooks. we will make sure we know how to ace that test.
why dont we apply this all to studying God's word? there are so many tests in our lives that we could ace, if we only had the answers...if we would only search for the answers.
but we shouldnt approach the Bible as only an encyclopedia, looking for tips and techniques. Ultimately we can know all the "tips & techniques" the Bible offers for dealing with sin, life, relationships, etc. but unless we know God, we really cannot execute anything it says in the right spirit. [for we are not perfect, yet God is.]
approach the Bible as a tool to know God.
brood over the scriptures so you will know Him as He really is in all His forms.
get to know Him through His stories.
dont forget God as a Person: He thinks, wills, enjoys, feels, loves, desires, and suffers.
read it like a book. like a memoir of your best friends life.
the same tools you use to study for school, utilize in your spiritual life.
im not going to make this any longer. there is so much i can say about studying, one of the most well know disciplines. however, you should read THIS POST that one of my frat brothers, verdell, wrote. wen i read it i was happy he wrote it because i had been wanting to write a post about Bible study tips. but he did it, and its beautiful. check it out.
lets grow beyond the milk of mere salvation and graduate to the meat of His Word....
how many of us love it? lol. well i can honestly say there have been times when i enjoyed studying [if it was a subject i loved] but more often than not, i dont enjoy it.
but, we still study. and we study hard. why is that?
bc we know that in order to be successful in our future, we need it.
back that thang up. "in order to be successful in our future, we need it." [thats a truth right there.] but we dont apply it to the most important subject ever...we dont put nearly as much importance on Bible study as we do on scholastic studying.
we will study all night for a test. we will find all kinds of supplemental books to help us understand the subject better. we will have study groups. we will go to our teachers office hours. we will memorize portions, we will study on the bus, we will fill pages of notebooks. we will make sure we know how to ace that test.
why dont we apply this all to studying God's word? there are so many tests in our lives that we could ace, if we only had the answers...if we would only search for the answers.
but we shouldnt approach the Bible as only an encyclopedia, looking for tips and techniques. Ultimately we can know all the "tips & techniques" the Bible offers for dealing with sin, life, relationships, etc. but unless we know God, we really cannot execute anything it says in the right spirit. [for we are not perfect, yet God is.]
approach the Bible as a tool to know God.
brood over the scriptures so you will know Him as He really is in all His forms.
get to know Him through His stories.
dont forget God as a Person: He thinks, wills, enjoys, feels, loves, desires, and suffers.
read it like a book. like a memoir of your best friends life.
the same tools you use to study for school, utilize in your spiritual life.
im not going to make this any longer. there is so much i can say about studying, one of the most well know disciplines. however, you should read THIS POST that one of my frat brothers, verdell, wrote. wen i read it i was happy he wrote it because i had been wanting to write a post about Bible study tips. but he did it, and its beautiful. check it out.
"the measure of the strength of a man's faith is ultimately the measure of his knowledge of God." ~Martin Lloyd-Jones
lets grow beyond the milk of mere salvation and graduate to the meat of His Word....
Saturday, September 17, 2011
the equation
my last post was about contentment. [and since i believe that my study and meditation will be ongoing, will never end, that means i can go back as much as i want lol.]
as i was saying, my last post was about contentment. and i realized something. i said previously that contentment wasnt one of the things i was "supposed" to be studying, but it was the one thing i really really wanted to accomplish.
then i realized something: im supposed to be focusing on peace. and as i draw closer to God and seek peace from Him, i find my life changing.
im more grateful.
i dont complain as often.
i appreciate more things more.
i see the small, amazing things He does.
im taking better care of myself, and liking it.
im feeling better, more hopeful about my future.
im gaining peace.
and as i gain peace, i get more & more content in who i am as a person, who i am in Christ, my life and how it has been in the past, my life and the direction it is going now.
[now, contentment should not be confused with complacency. you can appreciate the stage youre in now and have joy, but strive for better. we always strive for better.]
as i was saying, my last post was about contentment. and i realized something. i said previously that contentment wasnt one of the things i was "supposed" to be studying, but it was the one thing i really really wanted to accomplish.
then i realized something: im supposed to be focusing on peace. and as i draw closer to God and seek peace from Him, i find my life changing.
im more grateful.
i dont complain as often.
i appreciate more things more.
i see the small, amazing things He does.
im taking better care of myself, and liking it.
im feeling better, more hopeful about my future.
im gaining peace.
and as i gain peace, i get more & more content in who i am as a person, who i am in Christ, my life and how it has been in the past, my life and the direction it is going now.
peace from God = contentment.
[now, contentment should not be confused with complacency. you can appreciate the stage youre in now and have joy, but strive for better. we always strive for better.]
Monday, September 12, 2011
contentment
ive been sharing the fruits of the Spirit ive been meditating on, the disciplines im studying. so far ive talked about joy a lot. i think ive mentioned peace. and im going to write something about patience soon. ive also talked about humility and submission, and i have plans to share my thoughts about study as well. ive also talked about trust and healing and listening and growing, which arent in either of those categories. ive talked about a lot more...
my point is, ive posted things about what ive been learning on my journey of life.
but the main thing that i wish to learn on this journey is contentment.
most of my life i havent been content. ive always yearned for more, wished things were different. which isnt bad in and of itself. its good to push yourself for better things, to look forward to the future. but its also not healthy to never like where you are in life.
and ive never much liked the hand ive been dealt in life.
im trying to grow. im seeking God a lot about this because someone near to me mentioned it about me, that im not grateful for what i do have. and a lot of my problems, or what i see as problems, is because of that.
my deepest desire is to be content no matter my circumstances. i want to be joyful at all times bc i recognize that i have God. i want God to fill me up so that i can see nothing but Him and be satisfied, no matter what is happening in my life.
listen to this, because it sums up what i feel and what i wanna say:
my point is, ive posted things about what ive been learning on my journey of life.
but the main thing that i wish to learn on this journey is contentment.
most of my life i havent been content. ive always yearned for more, wished things were different. which isnt bad in and of itself. its good to push yourself for better things, to look forward to the future. but its also not healthy to never like where you are in life.
and ive never much liked the hand ive been dealt in life.
im trying to grow. im seeking God a lot about this because someone near to me mentioned it about me, that im not grateful for what i do have. and a lot of my problems, or what i see as problems, is because of that.
my deepest desire is to be content no matter my circumstances. i want to be joyful at all times bc i recognize that i have God. i want God to fill me up so that i can see nothing but Him and be satisfied, no matter what is happening in my life.
listen to this, because it sums up what i feel and what i wanna say:
Every person who longs to be married knows that sinking feeling when yet another friend becomes engaged. Every childless couple feels a stab of grief when yet another pregnancy is announced. Every sick person who has prayed for healing feels the confusion when hearing another’s miraculous testimony of being healed. Why them and not me, God? we whisper inside, as we put on our smiles and hide our sadness. The apostle Paul tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice (Romans 12:15), but when others get what we’ve been denied it can feel like something in us has died.“I have learned how to be content with whatever I have,” Paul said (Philippians 4:11). In this case, he was talking about food and finances, but we can read his sentiment more broadly. Paul was single, he’d been denied healing, and had often lacked safety, shelter, and sleep. Yet he could say his weaknesses were his strength (2 Corinthians 12:10). How?Paul revealed his secret to the Philippians: “I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13). He faced sickness, singleness, loneliness, and sleeplessness by drawing all he needed from Jesus who dwelt within him. The most contented people I know have discovered this secret for themselves: their enjoyment of God overshadows any loss they’ve known.May our empty spaces be filled with Jesus today.
[sidenote: here is a complete list of what ive been using for the:
fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, long-suffering (patience), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-controlChristian disciplines: humility, submission, study, simplicity, sacrifice, fasting, chastity, secrecy (intimacy between you and God alone, not bad secrets lol), solitude, silence, meditation, prayer, service, fellowship, confession, worship, celebration]
Sunday, September 11, 2011
eating habits
i wrote this blog a long time ago for ANQ Lambda's blog. then i submitted it to Praise{BREAK} and created a video to go along with it as well...
i recently came back to it because i realized that i was unhealthy! i havent been taking care of myself and this blog convicted me on that. like a tweet i wrote earlier: "sometimes i look back at things ive written and i shock myself - 'did i really write that?'"
so here it is. i wanted to share. theres a video at the end. and be honest with yourself, are you being healthy?
i recently came back to it because i realized that i was unhealthy! i havent been taking care of myself and this blog convicted me on that. like a tweet i wrote earlier: "sometimes i look back at things ive written and i shock myself - 'did i really write that?'"
so here it is. i wanted to share. theres a video at the end. and be honest with yourself, are you being healthy?
DISCLAIMER: This blog is not condoning or condemning any lifestyle choices or eating choices that one may have [i have many vegetarian/vegan friends who are healthy, tho i do not agree with their choices lol. so im not sayin that you cant be healthy if you choose something different...this is merely an analogy]. However, if you have an eating disorder, I do advise you to seek help
The other day I was considering becoming a vegetarian. I was hearing all of these benefits that come if you make the switch...but it didn't even last a day. I went to Negril and got a curried chicken patty and coco bread, and when I realized that being a vegetarian equals no patties, I gave up that dream. But it did make me think.
What kind of eating habits do we have in our spiritual life? How are we feeding our Spirit (and likewise, feeding our flesh)? As Jesus is the Bread of Life, are we eating healthy? What type of eater are you?
There is the glutton, stuffing himself with flesh. Everyone knows what that is, back in the gap when we were happy in our sin. However, realistically, there are also religious gluttons, stuffing themselves with "religion"; acting holy, doing the rituals, and saying the "right" things without really believing or fostering an individual relationship with God. An interesting story I once heard was about an atheist who regularly attended church. Although she did not believe in God at all, she was attracted to the religious atmosphere. Is that us, going to church, "ministering," and fellowshiping without the real commitment of Christ being the center of our lives?
Or do we stuff ourselves with flesh all week, indulging in our our sinful desires, only to "purge" on Sunday? These binge eaters/bulemics are on a continuous cycle, coming forward every Sunday to the altar, yet never seem to get the victory over sin. It may seem like the purge is good for you, but it isn't. [Repentance = not only being sorry for your sins and apologizing, but realizing that the only way you are forgiven/changed is through God's grace. Don't just share your life with Him every few days or weeks, but every day.]
Anorexics starve themselves. They don't necessarily go out and intentionally obey their flesh; they are active in ministries and counsel others. However, they do not speak with God. They don't worship. They only turn to God when they get especially hungry and therefore show no spiritual growth.
Constant Dieters are too busy watching and seeing what other people are doing to actually focus on what is good for THEM. They are constantly taking and adding things to fit their ideal of what they "should" be, and not necessarily considering what is healthy for their individual growth. They are always on the lookout for the "quick fix" that will transform them into what they want to be with minimum work, minimum time, and maximum result.
Some people eat only the basics and don't get any meat. They are who Paul means when He says "babes in Christ." They may approach God daily, yet they don't delve deeper. Every issue is dealt with on the surface. Vegans/Vegetarians receive just enough to get by.
A normal eater has a mix and match kind of habit. Every once in a while they go and do something they know they shouldn't, but for the most part they do okay. Occasionally they touch on deeper issues, but then they fall back into their normal regimen.
Healthy people go out of their way to seek and find the true healthy balance. They are not afraid to pay a high price because they know the end result of a healthy, all natural, balanced relationship with God is worth it. They go deep and research the effects of every action and thought; they consult the ultimate Nutritionist on everything they bring into their bodies and hearts. This is how God wants us to be. He wants us to desire a deeper relationship with Him, and not pattern our relationship on what other people may be doing. He wants us to chase after Him in every situation, every event, every person, thought, activity in/of our lives. He wants to be our everything, and that is how it should be.
Ask yourself today, and everyday, how is my diet looking?
Thursday, September 8, 2011
way deeper
did i ever mention that i dont trust easily?
yesterday i was walking down a neighborhood street to the bank. i stopped at a crosswalk at the same time that a man in a car [a very nice car] stopped at the intersection. he glanced over at me then looked back at me. Since I didnt know anyone in this neighborhood yet i walked thru it often [and ppl frequently said "hi" to each other] i thought nothing of it when he said hi. i said hello back with a smile. then he asked me for my name.
Me: *blank stare* wha?
Him: how u doin?
Me: fine
Him: so whats your name?
Me: im not telling you my name. you're a stranger in a car.
Him: what if i get out? i guess ill be a stranger walking then, huh?
Me: exactly *walks across street*
Him: *creeping next to me slowly in his car [creep]* so hows this wednesday been treating you?
Me: *side eye* im walkin in the rain with no umbrella. but im smiling so i guess its ok *crosses the street in front of his car and glares*
Him: *wavering smile* well...have a nice day, miss lady
Me: you too *beams*
i dont like encounters like these. they actually happen to me pretty frequently [bc i am gorgeous. lol actually simply bc im a woman]. a strange man, scruffy or clean, tries to "get to know me." but they dont want to get to know me really. when you see a woman on the street who is a stranger, you just see her, you dont see her. you see someone so attractive to you physically [bc thats all u can see of me right now] that you have to know her name...and id rather not that be the start of a relationship.
dont get me wrong, i know LOTS of my friends and acquaintances who met their boyfriends at some chance meeting on the street, in the store, etc. note that i said boyfriends. also note that at least half my friends/acquaintances are married or engaged, and i did not say husbands or fiances. and im waiting for a husband, not another boyfriend. so id rather not...
my point is, i would rather you have to get to know me bc youre attracted to my character, my spirit, my life. beauty changes [bc my beauty dont/wont fade, boo]. dont get me wrong, i want my husband to be attracted to me from the moment he sees me [and be able to tell me that in detail, at the right time]. but i also want a man of such character that he wont just approach a woman in the street bc she looks good. i want someone whos already my friend and who really gets to know me before trying to bring something romantic in the mix. that makes it real intentional. and thats how i know its sincere. bc if you feeling me after you know some things about me, i know that has to be real love.
now i know that this is gonna cause me to delay any type of relationship that would lead to marriage. as i do nothing but eat, sleep, and go to work and church, there is very little opportunity for me to meet, interact, and get to know men. [all the men at my job are gay, and the other side hustles i do dont require me to leave my house]. im on a tight budget so i dont just "go out with friends." frankly, except for a few friends from high school (who dont live in DC), all my male friends/acquaintances are in ANQ and . . . [yeah if you know me, yeah. couldnt do that]
so how do i feel about this? well, i feel like i like to control things. but after God brought all of this to my attention, i realized that along with everything else in my life, i have to give this to Him and trust Him fully with it [not that ive given everything to God yet. aint there quite yet]. i cant trust myself bc id end up being single and miserable forever [bc i dont trust ppl, especially men, easily. and id rather not be with you than be unsure about being with you]. and maybe God is showing me [with the fact that i know no men basically] that i need to get this part of my life in order before i get into a relationship. which i knew already. i dont like going into things a mess, which i am right now...but ill always be some kind of a mess, ill never be perfect [which hurts to say].
i just have to trust that He will also show me when im ready. bc if it was up to my perfectionist self, id never be ready, id keep putting it off bc "oh theres one more thing i have to work on before ill be good for anyone." which begs the question, do i think im good for anyone? well, someone maybe, someday...
this just went way deeper than i meant to go. [reflection time]
yesterday i was walking down a neighborhood street to the bank. i stopped at a crosswalk at the same time that a man in a car [a very nice car] stopped at the intersection. he glanced over at me then looked back at me. Since I didnt know anyone in this neighborhood yet i walked thru it often [and ppl frequently said "hi" to each other] i thought nothing of it when he said hi. i said hello back with a smile. then he asked me for my name.
Me: *blank stare* wha?
Him: how u doin?
Me: fine
Him: so whats your name?
Me: im not telling you my name. you're a stranger in a car.
Him: what if i get out? i guess ill be a stranger walking then, huh?
Me: exactly *walks across street*
Him: *creeping next to me slowly in his car [creep]* so hows this wednesday been treating you?
Me: *side eye* im walkin in the rain with no umbrella. but im smiling so i guess its ok *crosses the street in front of his car and glares*
Him: *wavering smile* well...have a nice day, miss lady
Me: you too *beams*
i dont like encounters like these. they actually happen to me pretty frequently [bc i am gorgeous. lol actually simply bc im a woman]. a strange man, scruffy or clean, tries to "get to know me." but they dont want to get to know me really. when you see a woman on the street who is a stranger, you just see her, you dont see her. you see someone so attractive to you physically [bc thats all u can see of me right now] that you have to know her name...and id rather not that be the start of a relationship.
dont get me wrong, i know LOTS of my friends and acquaintances who met their boyfriends at some chance meeting on the street, in the store, etc. note that i said boyfriends. also note that at least half my friends/acquaintances are married or engaged, and i did not say husbands or fiances. and im waiting for a husband, not another boyfriend. so id rather not...
my point is, i would rather you have to get to know me bc youre attracted to my character, my spirit, my life. beauty changes [bc my beauty dont/wont fade, boo]. dont get me wrong, i want my husband to be attracted to me from the moment he sees me [and be able to tell me that in detail, at the right time]. but i also want a man of such character that he wont just approach a woman in the street bc she looks good. i want someone whos already my friend and who really gets to know me before trying to bring something romantic in the mix. that makes it real intentional. and thats how i know its sincere. bc if you feeling me after you know some things about me, i know that has to be real love.
now i know that this is gonna cause me to delay any type of relationship that would lead to marriage. as i do nothing but eat, sleep, and go to work and church, there is very little opportunity for me to meet, interact, and get to know men. [all the men at my job are gay, and the other side hustles i do dont require me to leave my house]. im on a tight budget so i dont just "go out with friends." frankly, except for a few friends from high school (who dont live in DC), all my male friends/acquaintances are in ANQ and . . . [yeah if you know me, yeah. couldnt do that]
so how do i feel about this? well, i feel like i like to control things. but after God brought all of this to my attention, i realized that along with everything else in my life, i have to give this to Him and trust Him fully with it [not that ive given everything to God yet. aint there quite yet]. i cant trust myself bc id end up being single and miserable forever [bc i dont trust ppl, especially men, easily. and id rather not be with you than be unsure about being with you]. and maybe God is showing me [with the fact that i know no men basically] that i need to get this part of my life in order before i get into a relationship. which i knew already. i dont like going into things a mess, which i am right now...but ill always be some kind of a mess, ill never be perfect [which hurts to say].
i just have to trust that He will also show me when im ready. bc if it was up to my perfectionist self, id never be ready, id keep putting it off bc "oh theres one more thing i have to work on before ill be good for anyone." which begs the question, do i think im good for anyone? well, someone maybe, someday...
this just went way deeper than i meant to go. [reflection time]
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
just listen
i was reading this book a while back entitled "how to love yourself when you dont know how." [even if you know that you love yourself, its still a very interesting read.]
one thing that i love about reading is that it can take you to another world, it can show you things you didnt even know you know. [plus you get to learn random facts and enhance your vocabulary lol.] so its probably because i love books that God choose to reveal particular things to me in this way [bc im too hard headed to hear it otherwise].
i never knew that i needed healing simply because i didnt admit that anything was wrong. i didnt think anything was wrong really. because i didnt allow my past to interfere with my present, i thought i was good. i even felt kinda proud when people who knew me and a lot of my story told me that i was strong, that id moved on, that its amazing that i didnt allow my past to color my present interactions.
oh were we all wrong.
i was reading this book and there was a section on sexual abuse. i felt okay reading it. until i got to this section that says "indications a person may have been sexually abused as a child."
and my world just crumbled. i cried silent tears, the most painful kind, as i read things that pertained to me. and as i read my spirit just told me exactly how these things manifested in my life and why they manifested the way they did.
and then God talked to me.
it was a process in my healing. it hurt, but you know how when you get hurt really bad, sometimes the things that save you also hurt you. Alcohol, needles, the itch of healing--they all are uncomfortable. but at the end you are alive with no infections.
the truth was, i was alive. but i was slowly dying from infection. it was so deep inside no one could see it. i didnt even see it. it was silent. but God knows all.
i read something the other day from an email devotional i get:
God tests sometimes to reveal to us where we are. He already knows our hearts, even the parts that we dont know. And sometimes we need to be shown that.
In order for me to seek help i had to realize that i needed help.
In order for me to grow i have to first know my areas that need growth.
Sometimes i hear it from quiet reflection with God. Sometimes i hear it from study and devotion. Sometimes i hear it from prayer, either mines or others. Sometimes i hear it from advice from friends and wise counsel. Sometimes i hear it from debates and sermons. And sometimes i hear it from random places, like bird song...or a book.
what im saying is realize that you arent perfect, and you will never get there. the Word says [in several places and in several ways, check out the left column, altho i was thinkin of a particular scripture when i first wrote this] that we are continually being transformed, bit by bit, into His image until the day He comes back. that lets me know that there will always be something for me to work on.
and that i should always be listening.
one thing that i love about reading is that it can take you to another world, it can show you things you didnt even know you know. [plus you get to learn random facts and enhance your vocabulary lol.] so its probably because i love books that God choose to reveal particular things to me in this way [bc im too hard headed to hear it otherwise].
i never knew that i needed healing simply because i didnt admit that anything was wrong. i didnt think anything was wrong really. because i didnt allow my past to interfere with my present, i thought i was good. i even felt kinda proud when people who knew me and a lot of my story told me that i was strong, that id moved on, that its amazing that i didnt allow my past to color my present interactions.
oh were we all wrong.
i was reading this book and there was a section on sexual abuse. i felt okay reading it. until i got to this section that says "indications a person may have been sexually abused as a child."
and my world just crumbled. i cried silent tears, the most painful kind, as i read things that pertained to me. and as i read my spirit just told me exactly how these things manifested in my life and why they manifested the way they did.
and then God talked to me.
it was a process in my healing. it hurt, but you know how when you get hurt really bad, sometimes the things that save you also hurt you. Alcohol, needles, the itch of healing--they all are uncomfortable. but at the end you are alive with no infections.
the truth was, i was alive. but i was slowly dying from infection. it was so deep inside no one could see it. i didnt even see it. it was silent. but God knows all.
i read something the other day from an email devotional i get:
"Life is full of tests. There are a series of tests through the years of formal education. A test is required to receive a learner’s permit—then a driver’s license. There are personality tests, vision tests, hearings tests and blood tests. There are tests of endurance in mountain climbing, mental tests for marathon runners and tests for alcohol intake. Like it or not—tests measure current progress—and they are an indicator of future direction.
More specifically, the Christian life is a series of divine tests. These are moments along our path of faith that our Heavenly Father wants to reveal to us what’s really in our heart. This raw revelation can be rewarding or it can be a reality check of regression. Either way His tests are meant to motivate us forward in a step of growth in grace and love."
God tests sometimes to reveal to us where we are. He already knows our hearts, even the parts that we dont know. And sometimes we need to be shown that.
In order for me to seek help i had to realize that i needed help.
In order for me to grow i have to first know my areas that need growth.
Sometimes i hear it from quiet reflection with God. Sometimes i hear it from study and devotion. Sometimes i hear it from prayer, either mines or others. Sometimes i hear it from advice from friends and wise counsel. Sometimes i hear it from debates and sermons. And sometimes i hear it from random places, like bird song...or a book.
what im saying is realize that you arent perfect, and you will never get there. the Word says [in several places and in several ways, check out the left column, altho i was thinkin of a particular scripture when i first wrote this] that we are continually being transformed, bit by bit, into His image until the day He comes back. that lets me know that there will always be something for me to work on.
and that i should always be listening.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Speak to us of Love
When Love beckons to you follow Him, though His ways are hard and steep.
And when His wings enfold you, yield to Him; though the sword hidden may wound you.
Though His voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as Love crowns you so shall He crucify you. Even as He is for your growth so is He for your pruning.
Even as He ascents to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall He descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn He gathers you unto Himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant.
And then He assigns you to His sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall Love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only Love's peace and Love's pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of Love's threshing floor into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter; and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives nothing but itself and takes nothing but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; for Love is sufficient unto Love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not that you can direct the course of Love, for Love directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must have desires, let these be your desires:
Excerpt from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
And when His wings enfold you, yield to Him; though the sword hidden may wound you.
Though His voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as Love crowns you so shall He crucify you. Even as He is for your growth so is He for your pruning.
Even as He ascents to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall He descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn He gathers you unto Himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant.
And then He assigns you to His sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall Love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only Love's peace and Love's pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of Love's threshing floor into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter; and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives nothing but itself and takes nothing but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; for Love is sufficient unto Love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not that you can direct the course of Love, for Love directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must have desires, let these be your desires:
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love and to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heard and give thanks for another day of loving; to rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; to return home at eventide with gratitude; and then to sleep with a prayer in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
Excerpt from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
my room, my life
There's this saying that the status of your room reflects the status of your life. its kinda ridiculous, but ive found that it is kind of true...
when im hecka busy, my room has clothes and toiletries in different places simply because i do not have the time to put stuff back as im rushing in and out...
when i have things in order, everything is placed very deliberately in my room...
and i just thought about this today, as i looked around my room. it really reflects how i feel about my life right now.
my room is in a state of transition. im in the process of remodeling you could say, making a different theme, bringin in new items and taking out old things, reordering where everything goes.
and my life right now is in a state of transition.
like my room, there are areas that are totally finished. they are clean, organized, decorated, and staged so they are pleasant to the eye. in my life, there are areas i have worked on that i feel are organized, that im doing well and am on track with.
then there are areas that are partially done. im waiting on a piece of furniture, or a little more time to put things together that i like. just like some areas in my life. i know what i want to do and how i want to do it, i have a clear vision for it, but im just waiting for that one confirmation, that one action, that right time.
there are things that i have thrown out bc they no longer help me, maybe never were useful. and there are things that ive kept bc i need them. things ive kept bc they remind me of things. and things ive kept bc i just cant let them go just yet [even if i need to].
and alas, there are areas that are a plain ol' mess. i know how and why the mess got there but i have no idea what to do about it. i cant even clean it bc there is no place to put the things away, and i really dont know when, how, or where i could get what i need. just like my life...these areas that i see are a HOT MESS, so tangled, hurt, broken, yet i dont know what to do about it. i cant visualize the solution.
HOWEVER, unlike this area in my room, where i know why it is like it is, but dont know when, how, or where i could get what i need, that is not the case in my life. i know why things are the way they are, and i know when and how to get them right....actually, the where is a WHO. when? now. how? reach out. and WHO?
My God.
no thats not an exclamation. or it is. it is the answer, and it is the exclamation.
im a mess. but arent we all?
now just turning to God is not going to make my mess instantly organized, the items i need may not come falling out of the sky in the instant of prayer. but as i get closer and closer to Him, i receive peace. i can stand in the midst and my mind isnt frazzled. i can even sleep in the midst [in the case of my room, i actually do sleep in the midst of the 3 loads of laundry that have yet to be folded and put away in the imaginary dresser i do not have lol]. i can have hope that one day it will be neat and organized, my mind my emotions my spirit my health.
its not easy to go to God everyday and not feel anything and then when youre done everything is still the same [especially if youre a feel person, like me]. but it does pay off. the more disciplined i am and the more regularly i spend time with God, the easier it is to feel His Presence.
i cant wait for the day where i can feel Him with me, always, at all times.
until then, i am steadfast in cleaning up my room! no matter how long it takes.
when im hecka busy, my room has clothes and toiletries in different places simply because i do not have the time to put stuff back as im rushing in and out...
when i have things in order, everything is placed very deliberately in my room...
and i just thought about this today, as i looked around my room. it really reflects how i feel about my life right now.
my room is in a state of transition. im in the process of remodeling you could say, making a different theme, bringin in new items and taking out old things, reordering where everything goes.
and my life right now is in a state of transition.
like my room, there are areas that are totally finished. they are clean, organized, decorated, and staged so they are pleasant to the eye. in my life, there are areas i have worked on that i feel are organized, that im doing well and am on track with.
then there are areas that are partially done. im waiting on a piece of furniture, or a little more time to put things together that i like. just like some areas in my life. i know what i want to do and how i want to do it, i have a clear vision for it, but im just waiting for that one confirmation, that one action, that right time.
there are things that i have thrown out bc they no longer help me, maybe never were useful. and there are things that ive kept bc i need them. things ive kept bc they remind me of things. and things ive kept bc i just cant let them go just yet [even if i need to].
and alas, there are areas that are a plain ol' mess. i know how and why the mess got there but i have no idea what to do about it. i cant even clean it bc there is no place to put the things away, and i really dont know when, how, or where i could get what i need. just like my life...these areas that i see are a HOT MESS, so tangled, hurt, broken, yet i dont know what to do about it. i cant visualize the solution.
HOWEVER, unlike this area in my room, where i know why it is like it is, but dont know when, how, or where i could get what i need, that is not the case in my life. i know why things are the way they are, and i know when and how to get them right....actually, the where is a WHO. when? now. how? reach out. and WHO?
My God.
no thats not an exclamation. or it is. it is the answer, and it is the exclamation.
im a mess. but arent we all?
now just turning to God is not going to make my mess instantly organized, the items i need may not come falling out of the sky in the instant of prayer. but as i get closer and closer to Him, i receive peace. i can stand in the midst and my mind isnt frazzled. i can even sleep in the midst [in the case of my room, i actually do sleep in the midst of the 3 loads of laundry that have yet to be folded and put away in the imaginary dresser i do not have lol]. i can have hope that one day it will be neat and organized, my mind my emotions my spirit my health.
its not easy to go to God everyday and not feel anything and then when youre done everything is still the same [especially if youre a feel person, like me]. but it does pay off. the more disciplined i am and the more regularly i spend time with God, the easier it is to feel His Presence.
i cant wait for the day where i can feel Him with me, always, at all times.
until then, i am steadfast in cleaning up my room! no matter how long it takes.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
knowing
 |
| then i saw the sign... |
I love IHOP.
The other day, some of my friends and I were going to IHOP for brunch. My ace boo I was riding with didn't know her way around DC that well, so I had to give her directions. Since I wanted to get there first (did I mention that I love IHOP?), I decided to take her the way I knew was the shortest.
We got to a light and without looking up I said "Turn left here." (I was having a very important texting conversation.) She started to stammer, and I was like "Well, what is it?"
She replied, "I don't think you can turn left here."
I looked up. "Of course you can turn left here! People do it all the time." At that moment the light turned green and as we waited for a chance to turn, someone in a car beside us screamed "You can't turn left!" as they passed by.
Then I saw the sign.
It was directly in front of me. Huge. The left turn sign with a line through it and under it lettering: "NO LEFT TURNS."
"Uhhh...I think we havta go straight."
As we went an alternate route, the standard route that people usually take, I started thinking. Isn't it funny how when you know something, nobody can tell you it's wrong? Because when you "know" something, you KNOW you know it, right? No matter what friends try to point out to you, no matter what others have to say about the subject, and regardless of the signs right in front of you, you deny the obvious because you know the answer.
I think that this applies to so much in our life. as one of my boos [unplugged] says "theres a word in there somewhere, somebody!" And it happens to me more than I like. When I think I know summin, I don't listen until I get knocked upside the head [usually by God. I'm hardheaded]. But Imma apply this to the discipline I'm still studying...which is study. Bible study to be exact.
I think this analogy applies to how some people view the Bible. Because the Bible was written so long ago, many people, including believers, suffer with seeing it's relevance today.
I believe that God has many facets. Think about it: If we all are a reflection of Him and are His masterpieces, how crazy diverse must God be? Everyone is different, yet everyone is a reflection of Him. So how dare we put Him or His Word in this box of what we know? The same passage could mean something different each time you read it. Just because you read it before doesn't mean that you know what it's saying...what if it's a different reflection this time?
You have to keep an open mind and an open heart to get beyond the surface and receive what's meant for you. Having the right mindset can allow you to get a revelation from the Word of God that having a closed one would not have allowed.
I read this the other day:
In order to “dig in” to the Bible, we need to spend time with it. Rushed reading is the enemy of deep understanding. When Ezra read the Book of the Law to the Israelites, he started early in the morning and continued until noon to give the people plenty of time to absorb God’s truth (Nehemiah 8). We too need principles buried in the Bible.Once we carve out some reading time, we need to give God’s Word our full attention. When Ezra started to read, “all the people listened closely”. Like the Israelites, we need to concentrate on the Bible’s content. Switch off the TV! Remove the earbuds! Turn off the cell phone! It’s okay to disconnect from the world in order to connect with God.Connecting with God through the pages of the Bible comes from understanding its content. After Ezra’s reading, the Levites “clearly explained the meaning” to the Israelites. Today we can consult commentaries and Bible notes, or visit church leaders for help in grasping God’s Word and applying it to our lives.If you find yourself just skimming Scripture out of habit or obligation, here’s a challenge. Schedule some uninterrupted time with God’s living Word (Heb. 4:12). Strive for understanding—dig in! Like the Israelites, you may weep when the words reach your soul. But you may also “celebrate with great joy” when you read and understand the Bible.— Jennifer Benson Schuldt
Today, open your mind and your heart. Read, talk to your friends, hear what others have to say, and pay attention to the signs. You never know what God has to tell you through His word. It may be precisely the thing you needed.
still here
well. i havent written in a long time. not bc i had nothing to say. had plenty to say. just been workin workin workin on a lot of diff things [you kno me, gotta hustle. plus do the extra to the utmost]. anyways.
i have been writing a lot of posts in my head tho. some im gonna actually write, some imma let float into oblivion. so excuse me if a plethora of posts pop up over the next few weeks. imma get em out so i have room to come up with more...
some things will be personal, some things will be general. some things of course will be inspirational or u kno, the devotional stuff i like that make you think and question. there will be a few rants and maybe some craziness [i just read every post ive ever done, and its a lot of craziness]. there will also be some updates on my life: my adventures, hustles, partnerships, business crap...
above all this [...i wish you love...lol had to do it] above all this, it will be me.
for those of you who have read my stuff before, you know the reason i started writing--bc i was going thru a rough season or whatever you wanna call it. still am. but i think imma just continue to do this bc...well bc its good to get thoughts out. my road dog told me to be careful what i post. and i think thats a good idea. but also, i want to post a lot of things, even if they are personal, bc you never know how they can help someone out. its nice to know that someone you kno, not this theoretical person [this stranger] went thru similar situations or feelings. or even just to kno that someone can make it thru. many ppl have told me that various posts, personal and not personal, have helped them. and the fact that i can get release by writing makes me realize ill continue to write.
so ill be writing...
i have been writing a lot of posts in my head tho. some im gonna actually write, some imma let float into oblivion. so excuse me if a plethora of posts pop up over the next few weeks. imma get em out so i have room to come up with more...
some things will be personal, some things will be general. some things of course will be inspirational or u kno, the devotional stuff i like that make you think and question. there will be a few rants and maybe some craziness [i just read every post ive ever done, and its a lot of craziness]. there will also be some updates on my life: my adventures, hustles, partnerships, business crap...
above all this [...i wish you love...lol had to do it] above all this, it will be me.
for those of you who have read my stuff before, you know the reason i started writing--bc i was going thru a rough season or whatever you wanna call it. still am. but i think imma just continue to do this bc...well bc its good to get thoughts out. my road dog told me to be careful what i post. and i think thats a good idea. but also, i want to post a lot of things, even if they are personal, bc you never know how they can help someone out. its nice to know that someone you kno, not this theoretical person [this stranger] went thru similar situations or feelings. or even just to kno that someone can make it thru. many ppl have told me that various posts, personal and not personal, have helped them. and the fact that i can get release by writing makes me realize ill continue to write.
so ill be writing...
Saturday, May 7, 2011
back in the day...
so back in the day i used to have a myspace. and i just discovered it tonight. lol. and i realized that i have been struggling with this beauty thing for a while. check out these two posts i put up consecutively on myspace. i realize that this is something that i have been needing to address most of my life. maybe one day i will stop being confused [one day thinking im beautiful, the next not knowing, the next convinced that im not pretty nor womanly, physically that is]. anyways, here goes old deanna:
(1 feb 2006, 1:43am) pickles, rain, tears=perfection
life is full of pleasure and painboth disappointments.
i love the rain
i hate tears
i love pickles
i find myself eating pickles on a rainy day
crying
why?
life is so sour and sweet, or sweet and sour
salty
life is like the taste of pickles and tears on a rainy day
revelations.
come.to.me.
on these rare occasions
imnevergonnalikewhoiam. Salty
dontnow.
neverwill. Sour
deal with it
a poem:
the man said to the universe
i exist
the universe replies
i fail to see the point
i saw this girl at a seafood restaurant this weekend. she was so perfect. milk chocolate, smooth, clear skin, perfect curvy shape, pretty eyes with long eyelashes, REAL wavy jet black waist length hair, perfect teeth, lips, voice
perfect
gorgeous
random
unknown
i love her
and i hate myself for not being her
(16 mar 2006, 1:09 pm) that girl
Remember when i wrote that blog...
and i mentioned this girl
who was beautiful and sexy
and just damn near perfect
i saw her again...
youd never guess where
in the mirror
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
i wonder at [my] beauty
sometimes i look in the mirror and wonder at my beauty.
why i am so slender, my hips so narrow, my curves so subtle. i gaze on other women with more shapely bodies [wide hips, actual thighs, an actual distinction in the waist from the upper and lower half] with sad longing...i feel that they are more womanly, more of a woman, than me.
i look at my face and speculate why it is so girlish, why i dont have the angles of a womans face and still look the same now as i did at 12. even my favorite feature, my smile, is girlish: it is wide and bright and pure like a 5year olds, not demure or sexy.
i also wonder why my prettiness is also subtle, why i look so normal, average, or even less than 1st impression attractive. it sneaks up on people. why people will not call me beautiful or gorgeous on first sight [i just look ordinary, or cute <-thats been uttered a lot to my baby face] but one has to know me for a while, feel my personality, and catch me under the right light at the right angle to realize in surprise 'oh deanna is a pretty girl.'
dont most women have one of the 2 to distinguish them: that mature [attractive or striking] face or that curvaceous womanly body...or at least the hair.
no matter what i do [excluding wigs or weave] my hair is not flowy nor does it have body or bounce. in fact, it clings to my scalp like it is scared of the world. even straightened [short or long] it doesnt move much. and natural? if i go all out and wash, blow out, condition, and 2strand twist my hair to do a twist out, ill take down my twists and by the end of the day [humid or not] my hair is inching back to my scalp, its safe haven. its packed in there like artificial grass. [at least its thick and sometimes soft...that i can be grateful for]
so i look at my subtle curves that can barely be seen under my clothes [unless they are painted on which doesnt happen often], my lil face that when i put on makeup looks like a 10 year old playing dress-up, and my shrunken nappy [insider: rats suckin on it] head; and i wonder....
wonder when ill ALWAYS see someone beautiful...
when ill see someone womanly...
when ill see someone confident...
wonder when ill see and accept me.
i wonder at my beauty...
why i am so slender, my hips so narrow, my curves so subtle. i gaze on other women with more shapely bodies [wide hips, actual thighs, an actual distinction in the waist from the upper and lower half] with sad longing...i feel that they are more womanly, more of a woman, than me.
i look at my face and speculate why it is so girlish, why i dont have the angles of a womans face and still look the same now as i did at 12. even my favorite feature, my smile, is girlish: it is wide and bright and pure like a 5year olds, not demure or sexy.
i also wonder why my prettiness is also subtle, why i look so normal, average, or even less than 1st impression attractive. it sneaks up on people. why people will not call me beautiful or gorgeous on first sight [i just look ordinary, or cute <-thats been uttered a lot to my baby face] but one has to know me for a while, feel my personality, and catch me under the right light at the right angle to realize in surprise 'oh deanna is a pretty girl.'
dont most women have one of the 2 to distinguish them: that mature [attractive or striking] face or that curvaceous womanly body...or at least the hair.
no matter what i do [excluding wigs or weave] my hair is not flowy nor does it have body or bounce. in fact, it clings to my scalp like it is scared of the world. even straightened [short or long] it doesnt move much. and natural? if i go all out and wash, blow out, condition, and 2strand twist my hair to do a twist out, ill take down my twists and by the end of the day [humid or not] my hair is inching back to my scalp, its safe haven. its packed in there like artificial grass. [at least its thick and sometimes soft...that i can be grateful for]
so i look at my subtle curves that can barely be seen under my clothes [unless they are painted on which doesnt happen often], my lil face that when i put on makeup looks like a 10 year old playing dress-up, and my shrunken nappy [insider: rats suckin on it] head; and i wonder....
wonder when ill ALWAYS see someone beautiful...
when ill see someone womanly...
when ill see someone confident...
wonder when ill see and accept me.
i wonder at my beauty...
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
cleansing
i cried last night, and they were cleansing tears.
so i had this conversation wit my road dog [yes, for those of you who know] about a certain person. now i thought the person did not like me. and he was giving me evidence that she did care about me. and i cried. not only bc i truly felt like she liked me, but bc i was releasing something.
i tend to project my issues onto other people. i realized that last night. now, why did i think this person did not like me? the reasons all stemmed from my issues:
so i cried. bc i realized that this is something i do. and realization and admitting it are the first steps. and then i let it go. i cant project that onto other people. i have to let myself be liked. i have to let myself be loved.
then, in this same conversation, i told my road dog that some of his comments were patronizing! now, mind you, this man was helping me A LOT. but my feelings were a lil bit hurt, and why? bc of me projecting my past onto him:
just typing this gave me some release.
its all a journey to being a more stable, more whole deanna. as my gchat status says:
Je veux juste etre aime . . . et je suis, quand je l'accepte (ouvrir les yeux, le recevoir et de Lui permettre de m'adore)
so i had this conversation wit my road dog [yes, for those of you who know] about a certain person. now i thought the person did not like me. and he was giving me evidence that she did care about me. and i cried. not only bc i truly felt like she liked me, but bc i was releasing something.
i tend to project my issues onto other people. i realized that last night. now, why did i think this person did not like me? the reasons all stemmed from my issues:
1. intimidation: i viewed this person as someone who had control over her life. she seemed to have things going like she wanted and was stable. and bc i saw her like that, i assumed that she would expect the same out of other ppl....and i felt like my life was so NOT together so i just assumed she would look down on me.
2. previous experience: most girls, in my early experience, did not like me. i thought it was me...but really it was them. all my early friends i either heard, saw, or read them talking about me behind my back. and altho i didnt know it at the time, it was bc of jealousy. i wouldnt think that, bc why would they be jealous of me? i was always the smartest person [until i went to the louisiana school, and i finally felt normal] and i hung around dudes. all the boys liked me...as a friend lol. bc my brother was my best friend growing up and i was just drawn to boys [who always got me to hook them up with other girls]. i guess they just saw me hanging with their men and was mad
3. my issues: i know what my past is like. i know what my insides are like. and bc i thought this person knew things about me that weren't so desirable, i could not see how she could still like me knowing these things. of course, i see past peoples' pasts, etc. into their hearts, so why cant i allow others to do the same for me? why cant i allow myself to be loved?
so i cried. bc i realized that this is something i do. and realization and admitting it are the first steps. and then i let it go. i cant project that onto other people. i have to let myself be liked. i have to let myself be loved.
then, in this same conversation, i told my road dog that some of his comments were patronizing! now, mind you, this man was helping me A LOT. but my feelings were a lil bit hurt, and why? bc of me projecting my past onto him:
1. intimidation: someone asking a lot of questions about my decision to do something reminds me of sitting down being questioned by my father. having to sit still on the couch while he asked questions [that when i answered were just shot down]. then i was told how i was stupid and nobody, and maybe got hit. sometimes extensive questioning brings back a whisper of that feeling.
2. previous experience: for as long as i can remember, people have assumed that im not smart. then when they get a glimpse of what i know and what i can do, they are shocked. but it upsets me that i look like i dont understand. when someone is explaining something to me that i already know, i feel like they are just tellin me bc they think im stupid. no, they are telling me bc they are concerned and they dont know if i know. how can they know that unless i tell them? not snap at them for telling me and trying to help me
3. my issues: i dont like feeling helpless, i mentioned that before. and so i am fiercely independent to make sure i dont feel that way. that makes me resistant to people helping...and is not a good quality to have.
just typing this gave me some release.
its all a journey to being a more stable, more whole deanna. as my gchat status says:
Je veux juste etre aime . . . et je suis, quand je l'accepte (ouvrir les yeux, le recevoir et de Lui permettre de m'adore)
[go here if you want to know what it means haha translate it]
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
pastpresentfuture
[i wrote this a while back...its prob the only creative type writing thing ill post, bc i keep most of it close]
I WAS
alone
lowly and worthless
stressed
confused and broken
caught up in my own desires and views
I AM
confident
forgiven and delivered
loved
chosen and fighting
learning to step back from my mirror and view myself as He sees me
consistently growing
I WILL BE
anointed
disciplined
fully obedient
radiant with His glory
10/2008
on my heart
i just need to get this out of my system, bc i feel like i need to share it. i was listening to summin, and the speaker mentioned romans 2. now when people mention scripture, i always go and read it. and this certain chapter was very interestin to me, especially since ive had quite a few conversations lately about this. so im just gonna post a lot of the chapter here and share my thoughts. [the links are to give you background or more extensive/clear information, so please check those out as well if you really want to understand].
btw, i am not including some verses, not bc im hiding anything, but bc paul is rather redundant, he likes to say the same thing in more than one verse. if you dont believe me, go read the entire chapter yourself.
But because you are stubborn and refuse to turn from your sin, you are storing up terrible punishment for yourself. For a day of anger is coming, when God’s righteous judgment will be revealed. He will judge everyone according to what they have done. He will give eternal life to those who keep on doing good, seeking after the glory and honor and immortality that God offers. But he will pour out his anger and wrath on those who live for themselves, who refuse to obey the truth and instead live lives of wickedness. There will be trouble and calamity for everyone who keeps on doing what is evil—for the Jew first and also for the Gentile. But there will be glory and honor and peace from God for all who do good—for the Jew first and also for the Gentile. For God does not show favoritism. [that all speaks for itself...dont hold one sin higher than another. you who gossip will be judged the same as the ho, excuse my mandarin. and its gonna be a ripe day of judgment if you dont repent, which means not only regret but turn away from, your sins...of course we are sinful beings, but read on to see what i believe about this conundrum]
13-16 For merely listening to the law doesn’t make us right with God. It is obeying the law that makes us right in his sight. Even Gentiles, who do not have God’s written law, show that they know his law when they instinctively obey it, even without having heard it. They demonstrate that God’s law is written in their hearts, for their own conscience and thoughts either accuse them or tell them they are doing right. And this is the message I proclaim—that the day is coming when God, through Christ Jesus, will judge everyone’s secret life. [even the demons agree that God is God, but that doesnt mean they follow Him. merely believing in God does not make you a follower. also, i think it is interesting that paul says even if you dont know God, you know His law...bc your conscience convicts you]
17 You who call yourselves Jews are relying on God’s law, and you boast about your special relationship with him. 25-29 The Jewish ceremony of circumcision has value only if you obey God’s law. But if you don’t obey God’s law, you are no better off than an uncircumcised Gentile. And if the Gentiles obey God’s law, won’t God declare them to be his own people? In fact, uncircumcised Gentiles who keep God’s law will condemn you Jews who are circumcised and possess God’s law but don’t obey it.
For you are not a true Jew just because you were born of Jewish parents or because you have gone through the ceremony of circumcision. No, a true Jew is one whose heart is right with God. And true circumcision is not merely obeying the letter of the law; rather, it is a change of heart produced by God’s Spirit. And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people.
[i believe that you dont go to hell bc of your sins, but bc of your sin. the sin of not accepting Christ and of not saying yes to His will, continuously seeking out His individual, personalized plan for your life and developing a relationship with Him. Jesus is everyone's Savior, but is He your Lord?]
btw, i am not including some verses, not bc im hiding anything, but bc paul is rather redundant, he likes to say the same thing in more than one verse. if you dont believe me, go read the entire chapter yourself.
1-11 You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things. And we know that God, in his justice, will punish anyone who does such things. Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgment when you do the same things? Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?Romans 2
God’s Judgment of Sin
But because you are stubborn and refuse to turn from your sin, you are storing up terrible punishment for yourself. For a day of anger is coming, when God’s righteous judgment will be revealed. He will judge everyone according to what they have done. He will give eternal life to those who keep on doing good, seeking after the glory and honor and immortality that God offers. But he will pour out his anger and wrath on those who live for themselves, who refuse to obey the truth and instead live lives of wickedness. There will be trouble and calamity for everyone who keeps on doing what is evil—for the Jew first and also for the Gentile. But there will be glory and honor and peace from God for all who do good—for the Jew first and also for the Gentile. For God does not show favoritism. [that all speaks for itself...dont hold one sin higher than another. you who gossip will be judged the same as the ho, excuse my mandarin. and its gonna be a ripe day of judgment if you dont repent, which means not only regret but turn away from, your sins...of course we are sinful beings, but read on to see what i believe about this conundrum]
13-16 For merely listening to the law doesn’t make us right with God. It is obeying the law that makes us right in his sight. Even Gentiles, who do not have God’s written law, show that they know his law when they instinctively obey it, even without having heard it. They demonstrate that God’s law is written in their hearts, for their own conscience and thoughts either accuse them or tell them they are doing right. And this is the message I proclaim—that the day is coming when God, through Christ Jesus, will judge everyone’s secret life. [even the demons agree that God is God, but that doesnt mean they follow Him. merely believing in God does not make you a follower. also, i think it is interesting that paul says even if you dont know God, you know His law...bc your conscience convicts you]
17 You who call yourselves Jews are relying on God’s law, and you boast about your special relationship with him. 25-29 The Jewish ceremony of circumcision has value only if you obey God’s law. But if you don’t obey God’s law, you are no better off than an uncircumcised Gentile. And if the Gentiles obey God’s law, won’t God declare them to be his own people? In fact, uncircumcised Gentiles who keep God’s law will condemn you Jews who are circumcised and possess God’s law but don’t obey it.
For you are not a true Jew just because you were born of Jewish parents or because you have gone through the ceremony of circumcision. No, a true Jew is one whose heart is right with God. And true circumcision is not merely obeying the letter of the law; rather, it is a change of heart produced by God’s Spirit. And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people.
[i believe that you dont go to hell bc of your sins, but bc of your sin. the sin of not accepting Christ and of not saying yes to His will, continuously seeking out His individual, personalized plan for your life and developing a relationship with Him. Jesus is everyone's Savior, but is He your Lord?]
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