forgiveness

so ive been on forgiveness lately. forgiving myself. forgiving God. forgiving others. in that order.

 

because im hardest on myself, i fault myself for a lot of things. and i have to truly forgive myself to recognize my true worth.

 

i have to admit that im mad at God [which ive done] and i have to admit when im mad at other people, even if my logic says im not mad at them anymore. my feelings may say differently. logically i know that i shouldnt be mad at God. logically i know things some ppl do arent on purpose...but that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt and im not harboring feelings. its about being honest.

 

one of my sisters who is the founder of a production company is working on a project. and she reached out to me about some things. recently i got an email from her asking my thoughts on forgiveness. which was another push from God telling me that i needed to work on this area in my life. so i thought on it for some days and finally responded:

 

"I think that forgiveness is an everyday thing. I read something the other day that said "Until we are mature enough to understand that God uses everything for good in our lives, we harbor resentment for things we would change if we were God. The antidote is to realize that God always acts in our best interest, even when it is painful and you don't understand it. But releasing your resentment and revealing your feelings are the first steps to healing."

I honestly don't understand why things happened the way they did. And when I think about what happened or if I happen to run into someone connected, I can feel those same emotions I had during that time welling up. It's not as strong, but it's like a dull ache. Like when it's about to rain and old people's joints act up, an old injury that is healed but aches sometimes. I don't feel resentment, but I still feel something. As I come to terms with my feelings about what happened (not necessarily come to terms with what happened, I don't know if that will ever happen), I release feelings I didn't even know I held onto. Something bad happened to me and I don't understand it. Even though it still hurts, I can see that God is still with me.

The people responsible for this were human, just like me. I've hurt a lot of people as well; maybe not like this, or this deep, but hurt is hurt. I don't know what those people were subjected to to make them do the things they did. So I don't hate them. I don't want to be around them, but I don't hate them anymore. I don't hate me anymore. But when the memory comes up, I have to forgive all over again. It's a conscious, active decision."

soul altering changes

ive been reading a purpose driven life for the second time. i started reading it with a group of friends from diff states, sharing our thoughts in a facebook group. but as i really got into it deeper, i realized that i had to slow down....

in the book rick warren says to read one short chapter a day so you can really understand and apply what you read. however, i was finding that i need to meditate on things more than a day. sometimes i read only a few paragraphs...

and this is where i am now, ive been sitting on this one paragraph for many days now, because i feel i have to deal with it before moving on. i cant move on, bc everytime i open the book i think about this passage:

"Genuine friendship is built on disclosure. What may appear as audacity God views as authenticity...It is likely that you need to confess some hidden anger and resent at God for certain areas of your life where you have felt cheated or disappointed. Until we mature enough to understand that God uses everything for good in our lives, we harbor resentment toward God over our appearance, background, unanswered prayers, past hurts, and other things we would change if we were God...bitterness is the greatest barrier to friendship with God: Why would I want to be God's friend if He allowed this? The antidote, of course, is to realize that God always acts in your best interest, even when it is painful and you don't understand it. But releasing your resentment and revealing your feeling is the first step to healing."

its so much in there that stuck out to me. the fact that i may never understand why certain things happened to me bugs me! sometimes i wonder like, God, could you have allowed something less painful to happen to me that would have taught me the same lesson? things that i would change if i was God...[smh. why do we want to be God so much tho?]


and i realized that deep inside me, no matter if i loved God and truly wanted to be close to Him [which i do], i couldnt. because i didnt fully trust Him. "why would i want to be God's friend if He allowed this?" i did think that! and i was no longer denying it.


it took me all those days to pour out my feelings to God. its true that healing cant happen until you release the feelings. and its not like those feelings magically disappear [lol they dont]. or all of a sudden you now know why things happened [i wish]. but [for me at least] it took so much off of my heart and i was totally vulnerable. and totally open to God.


and something happened. it was very subtle. it was a soul altering change really. my perspective on things changed. life is really about perspective and how you view things. thats why paul said he could be content in any circumstance. thats why people can say they live their lives for God yet not be pastors. its your perspective and how/why you do what you do. its about how i see my situation and how i handle my situation.
 
i still dont understand a lot of things. but im more secure in knowing that its ok, and trusting God with everything.


friends share secrets. God wants to share His secrets to us...moses said to God "if im so special to you, let me in on your plans!" and God did. but they were close friends and you cant just expect someone to share all with you when youre not close. and the closer we draw to Him the closer He brings His kingdom to our side [as my dean says].


and that truly is amazing.


im ready to move on.

good enough

im a perfectionist. ill say it.

im a perfectionist AND im so frickin independent. all my life, i was supposed to have my stuff together bc i was the one who helped everyone. ppl were in my life to receive help, not to give help to me. i was supposed to solve my problems, and theirs as well.

this journey ive been taking the last year or so, has showed me that thats not the case. i cant do it all.

i guess im doing better with sharing my problems, reaching out for help, and not feelin obligated to solve others problems or make them feel better.

however, i still had this thing....about relationships. bc ive had so many one sided relationships, i know how lonely and frustratin it is to feel like you do everything for a person you care about, and they dont do that for you. so i dont want any of my relationships to be like that. i dont wanna be a moocher. but sometimes in relationships, one person is going to be going thru while the other person is ok. and when it happens, i feel guilty if im the one receiving.

i feel guilty when i receive and i have nothing to give back. or i have less to give back. maybe bc ultimately, i dont feel like i deserve it. i was brought up being drilled that you only deserved something if you earned it, and sometimes when you do feel like youve earned it, your efforts still arent good enough. so try harder, bc its better to do more than not enough.

well. i have to realize that sometimes, my best wont be good enough. i cant solve some problems. i can only be there, do what i can, let God do the rest.

and honestly, i cant be in another romantic relationship until i stop feeling like no matter what i do, im still not good enough. its hard to get rid of like 2 decades of bein told youre not good enough. but if i feel like im not good enough, i never will be.

im too hard on myself sometimes. i can clearly see where God wants me to be. i can see where ive came from. and i can clearly see where i am. where i am is not where i want to be, and thats ok. i will never be perfect, bc im human. my mind says this logically, but its still getting thru to my heart.

things that other women feel like are their rights, bc they are precious beings, i dont necessarily feel the same. i wasnt raised like that. women werent respected or treasured in my life. you dont get special treatment as a woman, you learn to be strong and fend for yourself and earn whatever favors you get.

ive had to think about this a lot lately.

do i finally feel like im good enough? i dont know. i still see so many issues that i feel should be resolved. i still feel like i shouldnt burden anyone with all this crap. but i think, when i love ppl, their issues arent really a burden to me bc i love them so much.

its my responsibility to get a hold on my issues. its my responsibility to keep workin on them, keep seeking God, not hiding from things...all that.

but i also deserve someone who loves me enough that my issues arent that big to them. i deserve someone who doesnt think i have to earn their love. i deserve someone who treasures me.

u kno, they are gonna be times when i make mistakes, where i forget something. there are gonna be times when im not good enough. but thats what grace is for. 

when you love a person, you see their faults, their good qualities, their habits, their issues, their insecurities, and their potential. and you want to help them and walk with them thru life, continually growing and learning WITH them.

im not good enough. but who is?
im growing, im pushing forward, and thats good enough.
having more [or less] issues does not qualify you for special treatment. there are some things that are thrown your way in life that you have no power over. its how you handle your life that determines what you are mature enough for.

"I am STILL confident that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27: 13-14

the forehead kiss

sigh. the forehead kiss.

is this not the most wonderful of kisses?

. . .
maybe its just me then.

its remarkable the tangle of emotions you can feel depending on the person giving the kiss as well. no matter what, forehead kisses bring me back to feelin like a little girl. for some reason, a kiss on the forehead calms me down, relaxes me. it makes me feel safe, secure, protected.


only [maybe] 3 men have given me the forehead kiss, which is just perfect because it shouldnt be something wasted. my brother, maybe my father, and my road dog.


my brother always makes me feel protected. point blank, period. he has my heart.
my father, there was/are a lot of mixed emotions there. dont care to go into that right now.

my road dog...ah. ah the best forehead kiss ever. its like an electrical circuit, love being passed. its like comfort, its emotion that is unspeakable, words that havent been made yet. i feel like a child being cradled thru the storm. its gentle, yet powerful. it quickens my heart [not in a lustful way]. it almost brings tears and def brings a smile and a sigh. its just the epitome of...of something. knowin that that person will never leave you. lives and circumstances change, but that person will always be there for you.


i wonder if it works the other way too...if i can give a forehead kiss to a man and it be that powerful...
bc i def would like to share that feelin with someone(s).

my story

so, i thought back and realized i should have posted this before my last post. but its ok. heres me backtracking. i originally wrote this post for Praise{Break}. check that out too. enjoy.

I was majoring in architecture at Howard University, making my mother proud and planning a future life where I had a lot of money [which I never had] and provided for my family. I was doing what everyone wanted me to do, what I was supposed to do.

But I didn't want to be an architect.


I mean, I am interested in architecture, like I'm interested in a lot of things. I would have been okay as an architect, eventually, I think. But it wasn't my passion and I started to see that maybe it wasn't my plan.

I wanted to do event planning [specifically for non-profits]. I realized this around my sophomore year at Howard, and I put it out of my mind. That wasn't part of anyone's plan for my life. Except it was someone's plan--God's.

I was hardheaded; no matter what confirmation I got about this, I did not listen. It just didn't seem possible to pursue it and be successful, especially since Howard didn't have that option. I mentioned it, slightly, to a few people, and they of course shut it down, not knowing I was secretly serious. But when they shot it down, so did I. I kept putting it off my mind until last December. I was being attacked mentally, emotionally, financially, and having family and school issues. That's when I really started re-evaluating my life and the direction I was going.

I withdrew from Howard this past February. I plan on going to George Washington University for their event management certificate program and taking the certification exam within the next few years. This was a hard, scary decision, and a lot of pain and heartache happened before and after I finally submitted to God and pursued my passion.

I believe there are different paths to take. Your work can be your passion, or you can work and do your passion as volunteer work, or work and do your passion when you retire, etc...and none of these are the "right" answer. You are an individual, and you have to listen to God [whatever you do in your "you and God time"] so you know and understand what is your path to take.

Don't let fear and doubt paralyze you. I've watched my friends celebrate as they graduated this May, or [for my architecture friends] celebrate because they only have a year left. I've cried knowing that it may not happen for me, or if it does, it's going to be a while. [Event Management does not require a degree, but I am thinking of getting a degree in graphic design.] But that is their story, and this is mine. I had to realize that. YOU have to realize that.

Make your life YOUR story, and not a spin-off of someone else's idea of a sitcom.

Watch my video to see the in-depth story.