breaking....

sometimes, i really dislike the way i am. something has got to break.

i give give give. i dont think people realize how much i give. i dont do anything without giving at least 100% on it; if I feel like im giving less then i push myself to do more or take myself out. this applies to relationships, tasks, hobbies....anything.

but i cant keep up with myself. i dont like how sometimes, my opinions are so different that i just keep my mouth shut instead of taking the risk of being misunderstood. i dont like how i always feel like im giving more than others. i dont like how i cant keep a normal job; how im "so good at everything" yet cant pay bills because instead of charging the going rate for my "everything," i do it for free/mad cheap because i cant help but deliver when people ask. i dont like how people make me feel like im not doing enough because i dont have a degree, because i dont have a man, because i dont have a job. i dont like how i never feel like im doing enough either. i dont like that i will tuck away my personal safety, goals, well-being, etc in order to ensure that someone else HAS, even if i know they wouldnt do the same for me. i dont like how i just want to spill myself out to a living, breathing person who gets it and wont make me feel guilty for saying that although God is the ultimate confidant, sometimes i just want to SEE the person in front of me. i dont like how i cant spill it out, because im scared to trust. i dont like how i have to say "no, it's not about a man; maybe my life is deeper than that, you think?" i dont like how it seems like the face & small body radiates that i dont know struggle, and so i have to contain my struggle so as to not shock the people on how imperfect i am. i dont like how im still hurt, when apparently im supposed to be fine by now. i dont like how people admire me, compliment me, demand more of me, yet fail to see that im breaking...

i dont like that im so much more vulnerable than anyone knows.
something has got to break.
and it cant be me.

but my heart will break as i say no. my heart will break as i give less and take more. my heart will break as i step back. my heart will break as i keep my thoughts hidden, my emotions secret, my mysteries close to me. my heart breaks as i write this and think about the rest of this year and how hard it's going to be.

but ive got to stop doing it all...
i reread a post i wrote long ago, and realized i have to do this again. sort thru & evaluate my life.

if only there was a way for me to do all i want, and still remain whole.

but there isnt, so i cry to keep myself from shattering.

who understands...

who understands the pain of having someone cut you so deep, hurt you so bad, basically rip your heart in shreds, yet you can't totally cut them out of your life? the pain of having one of the people you love the most in the world make you feel unloved, unworthy, and unwanted?

who understands the ambivalence of hating this person with the very fiber of your being, yet loving them still? having no control over that love, because you loved them before you even knew who you were. knowing that the reason they did what they did was because they were hurting too, that someone they loved made them feel the same way and for some reason, they could only respond in kind?

who understands the frustration when this person calls you and says that you're the only one who understands, praises you for qualities that, let's face it, their hurt manifested in you. the one good thing you can say came from the relationship, is that you are impossibly strong.....

who understands the slight panic that envelopes your heart when you imagine the day that you will have to explain to this person, and your future spouse & in-laws, why you can't (not won't, but physically can't) let this person walk you down the aisle, because 1) it makes you slightly nauseous & you begin to have a small panic attack trying to visualize the walk and, oh no! the sentimental dance that comes later and 2) you feel like he gave up the rights to that privilege years ago. you have to look into those eyes, filled with hurt and confusion, and tell him why...

"i was a daddy's girl, and you ruined that. the things you said, the things you did, the way you looked at me...all i ever wanted was for you to love me. and even tho i never made you pay for it, even tho i've always tried to forgive you and continue to cultivate a relationship with you, everytime i talk to you or see you, a part of me always remembers. a part of me always deflates. and i don't want those memories invading on my wedding day."

or maybe i'll look into those eyes and sigh, knowing once again that i will sacrifice my happiness for yours, so you will have something to boast about, tear up about, remember with fondness...and i will have hope that maybe, just maybe my daddy really does loves me, and was too hurt/messed up inside to adequately show it.

if you understand the pain, could you please come over and give me a hug? i really need it right now.

renewing my mind. . .

One thing that has been a gradual happening in my life is the renewing of my mind on the subject of sexual intimacy. I posted about this same topic some time ago, about how I wanted more than just sex.  Someone posed the question to me "Is kissing a sin?" After thinking about it, I gave the answer that is below. It made me realize that my mind has changed on this issue. However, I haven't had the opportunity to test this mindset (that is, since my mind has been changed, I haven't been in a relationship/intimate type situation). So prayerfully, I will be able to hold on to my convictions when the time does come.

Here's what I said:

My opinion? I don't believe that kissing is a sin, but the Bible also says that while some things may be permissible (that is, we can do them, they aren't sin), all things are not beneficial [1 Cor 6:12; 1 Cor 10:23]. It is where your heart is. If you are lusting in your heart, you may as well be sinning if you keep entertaining it [Matthew 5:28; Job 31:1]. Kissing, making out, etc are just preparing your body for sex, something that you aren't supposed to be doing with anyone who is not your husband. So it is like you are placing yourself in temptation, when the Word tell us to flee from it [1 Cor 6:18; James 4:7]. Why put yourself in a position to fall? 

Now, I'm not gonna say I'm a person who won't be kissing my husband until the altar (no ma'am!). I will most certainly be kissing, holding hands with, hugging, and showing other types of affection to/with my boyfriend. But I also know that most of the time, this will be done in public. Knowing myself and my past, I'm not trying to be alone for any long stretch of time with my man in my next relationship. I know I LOVE sex, I know I will be the one tempting him lol, and I know it's hard for me to resist any ANY hint of attraction. So if we can't comfortably do it in public, then I won't do it in private. [1 Thess 5:22; 1 Peter 2:12]

"mommy porn"

Joshua Harris recently wrote a blog post about another blogger named Melissa Jenna's strong challenge to fellow sisters-in-Christ about the the acceptance of so called "Mommy Porn"--specifically, the best-selling erotic novel "50 Shades of Grey" and the male-stripper themed movie "Magic Mike."

It was very interesting to me! It is true that Christian culture is much more accepting to what I would call "soft porn" for women. As she said "imagine your husband (or father/brother/church leader) going around bragging about how much he loved reading last month's Playboy magazine, or rallying all of his guy friends to go see "Magic Meghan" for the third time. If our husbands were drooling over a movie about female strippers, we would be livid. It wouldn't be tolerated. Church leaders would be publicly denouncing men's sudden acceptance of pornography and erotic films. (Why aren't church leaders publicly denouncing 50 Shades or Magic Mike, by the way?)"

It is true that a lot of women are more stimulated by words and such things, while most men are more stimulated by visual images (correct me if I'm wrong). Not saying that this is always the case. But women reading erotic novels with graphic descriptions of sex (I know, I've read the book the article is referring to) is no different from men looking at graphic depictions of sex. Melissa Jenna also makes the point that women/moms lusting is no better or acceptable to God than men/dads lusting.

Melissa goes on to state, "Christian women need to reject both of these works, and instead, use our voices in support of what is good, right and true. It is our responsibility, as daughters of the Heavenly King, to remain set-apart from the poisons of our culture, to rebuke temptation, and to celebrate and honor righteousness."

I think this is a part of what it means to renew your minds as Romans 12: 1-2 challenges us to do, it is "hungering and thirsting for righteousness" (Matt. 5:6). 

Read the full post.

more than just sex

On a mini-road trip with some of my favorite birds, we started a convo about sex. That isn't surprising - most people who have been on road trips with me know that we always end up talking about the Kingdom of God and sex (sometimes as a unit lol, sometimes two separate convos). However, this was one of the best sex conversations that I've had; it truly renewed my mind and so I had to share.


It was based off of 1 Corinthians 3:16 that states that we are the temple of God and His Spirit dwells in us. Check it out:

In the Old Testament, the place where God dwelled was His Temple. He didn't have a place in men until after Christ. The same way God lived in the temple then, He lives inside of us now, reminding us to honor our bodies (physically, emotionally, mentally/intellectually, and spiritually) because they are holy and set apart for God, our Savior. 

So, background: in the Old Testament only the High Priest could go into the Holy of Holys. That place was more special than any other because that was where God dwelled. It was where He was seated. Literally. So in order to go in, you had to go through a veil, be clean (purified), AND be the appointed one, the HIGH PRIEST, which was only done via ceremony. There he would go in and sacrifice an animal as a blood sacrifice for the people before God as a covenant, so God could grant forgiveness. And when Jesus shed His blood at Calvary, He gave us a New Covenant, a new start with the Father. Jesus died once and for all for our sins, but because of that, God now lives in our bodies.

Therefore, physically, since our body is God's temple, the only one that is allowed in (via sex - and I mean all of it, oral, anal, vaginal, skin-to-skin) is the one God allows. 

Your vagina is a part of your body, and therefore God's dwelling place, a Holy Place. The only one that is supposed to ever be allowed in is the ONE high priest, the man God has to be your husband. That man will be anointed by ceremony (your wedding day & marraige) to enter into that covenant with you. Why call it a covenant? Because whenever there was bloodshed, it made a covenant (see above). 

Our vaginas come with something called a hymen. Once it breaks, it spills blood over the penis--a blood covenant between husband and wife. This is why God desires sex between man and woman only. Because it's about a COVENANT, not just pleasure. It's about creating a dedication to each other and the Lord before men in a marriage ceremony (just as witnesses watched the priest be anointed). It's about dedicating your life and your marriage to serving & showcasing God and His Kingdom.

So, recap, in order for a man to go into your Holy of Holys, he must go through a veil (hymen), be clean (purified/virgin), and be the appointed one via ceremony (your husband). When we have sex outside of marriage, it's like having an orgy in the house of God! It's not what God wants or desires for us. 

This conversation totally transformed my view on sex, like Romans 12:2 tells us to do. I tell you what....I want sex. I'm not gonna say I don't because I want it a lot. But I want more than JUST sex. Right now, I have a distaste for just sex; I don't desire just sex at all. I want a covenant. I want something sacred, holy, special, soul-deep (and something, I'll admit, mind-blowing, titillating, and indescribable lol).


Now, don't get all down by some of the remarks here; technically I won't qualify for a "blood covenant" as there is no longer any veil for me...I am VERY far from being a virgin. But a great thing about this Kingdom living thang is that in Christ we are made new. Old things we did in the past are washed away, and we have a fresh start in Christ. Christ is calling us to move forward, and just not make the same mistakes moving forward. The Holy Spirit will remind & convict us of wrong and help us choose the path away from temptation. But even if we stumble, God's grace still washes us again and restores us. It's just God's desire that we not use Grace as an excuse to sin over and over and over again. (Romans 6:1)



Thank you, Brittany Turner, for your wonderful insight that made this post possible.