lonely, but never alone

i learned a lot about myself this week.

i am less alone than i sometimes think i am. but i am more alone than i realized.

[dont worry if you dont get it.]

its unreal, my contradictory nature. im a walking oxymoron; an ambivalent, complex thing. i wish i wasnt. i wish i was always sure of my footing. i wish i always said what i wanted, how i wanted, when i wanted. did what i needed, when it needed to be done, how it needed to be done. but im not, and i dont.

one thing i am now very confident about - i understand where and how i fit in certain places. i may not like it, but at least i know. it's easier to react when you know. it's easier to plan when you know.

it's easier to fix the file boxes of people, events, issues, and situations when i know.

what i also know is this: i can allow or not allow certain things in my life; for those things i cannot control, i can control how i react.

i am intelligent, strong, and beautiful. and God is closer to me than the vein in my neck.
i am precious, like a pearl laying by itself inside an oyster.
i am lonely, yet never alone.

new year...

on my new year (my birthday) i made some new year's "resolutions." of course, being me, it was more like an update to my one, five, and ten year plans...

but one interesting thing i did resolve to do was to start dating. casually. **gasp**

i'd never really done this before. even in high school, i went out with my boyfriend, not random guys...and my boyfriend and i didnt go on dates before we became exclusive. weird, i know. but i have this serious mindset, and i cant just date for fun...my mind seems to constantly evaluate whether i could like with this, or that, with all that makes up YOU, for the rest of my life. thats simply because i want to be with one person, and one person only. but something happened, and even though i still want that one person, i can go out and have fun and not feel the urge to make a big speech declaring my feelings (or lack thereof).

so i've been dating. more than one guy. and it's so INTERESTING, to say the least. i've learned some very interesting things about how different men are from each other, how men are alike, how emotional they can be - but most importantly, i've learned so much about ME.

things i thought i would like, i dont. some things i thought i would hate, i dont. my reactions to certain situations are so far from what i would have predicted. i no longer have this silhouette of the man i need/want. i think i'll stop trying to figure him out and just let him jump out and scare me.

i've also realized that people's ideas of Christianity are sooooo diverse. i may be changing a few people's idea of what a passionate Christian woman looks like....and that's fine with me.

breaking....

sometimes, i really dislike the way i am. something has got to break.

i give give give. i dont think people realize how much i give. i dont do anything without giving at least 100% on it; if I feel like im giving less then i push myself to do more or take myself out. this applies to relationships, tasks, hobbies....anything.

but i cant keep up with myself. i dont like how sometimes, my opinions are so different that i just keep my mouth shut instead of taking the risk of being misunderstood. i dont like how i always feel like im giving more than others. i dont like how i cant keep a normal job; how im "so good at everything" yet cant pay bills because instead of charging the going rate for my "everything," i do it for free/mad cheap because i cant help but deliver when people ask. i dont like how people make me feel like im not doing enough because i dont have a degree, because i dont have a man, because i dont have a job. i dont like how i never feel like im doing enough either. i dont like that i will tuck away my personal safety, goals, well-being, etc in order to ensure that someone else HAS, even if i know they wouldnt do the same for me. i dont like how i just want to spill myself out to a living, breathing person who gets it and wont make me feel guilty for saying that although God is the ultimate confidant, sometimes i just want to SEE the person in front of me. i dont like how i cant spill it out, because im scared to trust. i dont like how i have to say "no, it's not about a man; maybe my life is deeper than that, you think?" i dont like how it seems like the face & small body radiates that i dont know struggle, and so i have to contain my struggle so as to not shock the people on how imperfect i am. i dont like how im still hurt, when apparently im supposed to be fine by now. i dont like how people admire me, compliment me, demand more of me, yet fail to see that im breaking...

i dont like that im so much more vulnerable than anyone knows.
something has got to break.
and it cant be me.

but my heart will break as i say no. my heart will break as i give less and take more. my heart will break as i step back. my heart will break as i keep my thoughts hidden, my emotions secret, my mysteries close to me. my heart breaks as i write this and think about the rest of this year and how hard it's going to be.

but ive got to stop doing it all...
i reread a post i wrote long ago, and realized i have to do this again. sort thru & evaluate my life.

if only there was a way for me to do all i want, and still remain whole.

but there isnt, so i cry to keep myself from shattering.

who understands...

who understands the pain of having someone cut you so deep, hurt you so bad, basically rip your heart in shreds, yet you can't totally cut them out of your life? the pain of having one of the people you love the most in the world make you feel unloved, unworthy, and unwanted?

who understands the ambivalence of hating this person with the very fiber of your being, yet loving them still? having no control over that love, because you loved them before you even knew who you were. knowing that the reason they did what they did was because they were hurting too, that someone they loved made them feel the same way and for some reason, they could only respond in kind?

who understands the frustration when this person calls you and says that you're the only one who understands, praises you for qualities that, let's face it, their hurt manifested in you. the one good thing you can say came from the relationship, is that you are impossibly strong.....

who understands the slight panic that envelopes your heart when you imagine the day that you will have to explain to this person, and your future spouse & in-laws, why you can't (not won't, but physically can't) let this person walk you down the aisle, because 1) it makes you slightly nauseous & you begin to have a small panic attack trying to visualize the walk and, oh no! the sentimental dance that comes later and 2) you feel like he gave up the rights to that privilege years ago. you have to look into those eyes, filled with hurt and confusion, and tell him why...

"i was a daddy's girl, and you ruined that. the things you said, the things you did, the way you looked at me...all i ever wanted was for you to love me. and even tho i never made you pay for it, even tho i've always tried to forgive you and continue to cultivate a relationship with you, everytime i talk to you or see you, a part of me always remembers. a part of me always deflates. and i don't want those memories invading on my wedding day."

or maybe i'll look into those eyes and sigh, knowing once again that i will sacrifice my happiness for yours, so you will have something to boast about, tear up about, remember with fondness...and i will have hope that maybe, just maybe my daddy really does loves me, and was too hurt/messed up inside to adequately show it.

if you understand the pain, could you please come over and give me a hug? i really need it right now.

renewing my mind. . .

One thing that has been a gradual happening in my life is the renewing of my mind on the subject of sexual intimacy. I posted about this same topic some time ago, about how I wanted more than just sex.  Someone posed the question to me "Is kissing a sin?" After thinking about it, I gave the answer that is below. It made me realize that my mind has changed on this issue. However, I haven't had the opportunity to test this mindset (that is, since my mind has been changed, I haven't been in a relationship/intimate type situation). So prayerfully, I will be able to hold on to my convictions when the time does come.

Here's what I said:

My opinion? I don't believe that kissing is a sin, but the Bible also says that while some things may be permissible (that is, we can do them, they aren't sin), all things are not beneficial [1 Cor 6:12; 1 Cor 10:23]. It is where your heart is. If you are lusting in your heart, you may as well be sinning if you keep entertaining it [Matthew 5:28; Job 31:1]. Kissing, making out, etc are just preparing your body for sex, something that you aren't supposed to be doing with anyone who is not your husband. So it is like you are placing yourself in temptation, when the Word tell us to flee from it [1 Cor 6:18; James 4:7]. Why put yourself in a position to fall? 

Now, I'm not gonna say I'm a person who won't be kissing my husband until the altar (no ma'am!). I will most certainly be kissing, holding hands with, hugging, and showing other types of affection to/with my boyfriend. But I also know that most of the time, this will be done in public. Knowing myself and my past, I'm not trying to be alone for any long stretch of time with my man in my next relationship. I know I LOVE sex, I know I will be the one tempting him lol, and I know it's hard for me to resist any ANY hint of attraction. So if we can't comfortably do it in public, then I won't do it in private. [1 Thess 5:22; 1 Peter 2:12]