forgiveness

so ive been on forgiveness lately. forgiving myself. forgiving God. forgiving others. in that order.

 

because im hardest on myself, i fault myself for a lot of things. and i have to truly forgive myself to recognize my true worth.

 

i have to admit that im mad at God [which ive done] and i have to admit when im mad at other people, even if my logic says im not mad at them anymore. my feelings may say differently. logically i know that i shouldnt be mad at God. logically i know things some ppl do arent on purpose...but that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt and im not harboring feelings. its about being honest.

 

one of my sisters who is the founder of a production company is working on a project. and she reached out to me about some things. recently i got an email from her asking my thoughts on forgiveness. which was another push from God telling me that i needed to work on this area in my life. so i thought on it for some days and finally responded:

 

"I think that forgiveness is an everyday thing. I read something the other day that said "Until we are mature enough to understand that God uses everything for good in our lives, we harbor resentment for things we would change if we were God. The antidote is to realize that God always acts in our best interest, even when it is painful and you don't understand it. But releasing your resentment and revealing your feelings are the first steps to healing."

I honestly don't understand why things happened the way they did. And when I think about what happened or if I happen to run into someone connected, I can feel those same emotions I had during that time welling up. It's not as strong, but it's like a dull ache. Like when it's about to rain and old people's joints act up, an old injury that is healed but aches sometimes. I don't feel resentment, but I still feel something. As I come to terms with my feelings about what happened (not necessarily come to terms with what happened, I don't know if that will ever happen), I release feelings I didn't even know I held onto. Something bad happened to me and I don't understand it. Even though it still hurts, I can see that God is still with me.

The people responsible for this were human, just like me. I've hurt a lot of people as well; maybe not like this, or this deep, but hurt is hurt. I don't know what those people were subjected to to make them do the things they did. So I don't hate them. I don't want to be around them, but I don't hate them anymore. I don't hate me anymore. But when the memory comes up, I have to forgive all over again. It's a conscious, active decision."

soul altering changes

ive been reading a purpose driven life for the second time. i started reading it with a group of friends from diff states, sharing our thoughts in a facebook group. but as i really got into it deeper, i realized that i had to slow down....

in the book rick warren says to read one short chapter a day so you can really understand and apply what you read. however, i was finding that i need to meditate on things more than a day. sometimes i read only a few paragraphs...

and this is where i am now, ive been sitting on this one paragraph for many days now, because i feel i have to deal with it before moving on. i cant move on, bc everytime i open the book i think about this passage:

"Genuine friendship is built on disclosure. What may appear as audacity God views as authenticity...It is likely that you need to confess some hidden anger and resent at God for certain areas of your life where you have felt cheated or disappointed. Until we mature enough to understand that God uses everything for good in our lives, we harbor resentment toward God over our appearance, background, unanswered prayers, past hurts, and other things we would change if we were God...bitterness is the greatest barrier to friendship with God: Why would I want to be God's friend if He allowed this? The antidote, of course, is to realize that God always acts in your best interest, even when it is painful and you don't understand it. But releasing your resentment and revealing your feeling is the first step to healing."

its so much in there that stuck out to me. the fact that i may never understand why certain things happened to me bugs me! sometimes i wonder like, God, could you have allowed something less painful to happen to me that would have taught me the same lesson? things that i would change if i was God...[smh. why do we want to be God so much tho?]


and i realized that deep inside me, no matter if i loved God and truly wanted to be close to Him [which i do], i couldnt. because i didnt fully trust Him. "why would i want to be God's friend if He allowed this?" i did think that! and i was no longer denying it.


it took me all those days to pour out my feelings to God. its true that healing cant happen until you release the feelings. and its not like those feelings magically disappear [lol they dont]. or all of a sudden you now know why things happened [i wish]. but [for me at least] it took so much off of my heart and i was totally vulnerable. and totally open to God.


and something happened. it was very subtle. it was a soul altering change really. my perspective on things changed. life is really about perspective and how you view things. thats why paul said he could be content in any circumstance. thats why people can say they live their lives for God yet not be pastors. its your perspective and how/why you do what you do. its about how i see my situation and how i handle my situation.
 
i still dont understand a lot of things. but im more secure in knowing that its ok, and trusting God with everything.


friends share secrets. God wants to share His secrets to us...moses said to God "if im so special to you, let me in on your plans!" and God did. but they were close friends and you cant just expect someone to share all with you when youre not close. and the closer we draw to Him the closer He brings His kingdom to our side [as my dean says].


and that truly is amazing.


im ready to move on.

good enough

im a perfectionist. ill say it.

im a perfectionist AND im so frickin independent. all my life, i was supposed to have my stuff together bc i was the one who helped everyone. ppl were in my life to receive help, not to give help to me. i was supposed to solve my problems, and theirs as well.

this journey ive been taking the last year or so, has showed me that thats not the case. i cant do it all.

i guess im doing better with sharing my problems, reaching out for help, and not feelin obligated to solve others problems or make them feel better.

however, i still had this thing....about relationships. bc ive had so many one sided relationships, i know how lonely and frustratin it is to feel like you do everything for a person you care about, and they dont do that for you. so i dont want any of my relationships to be like that. i dont wanna be a moocher. but sometimes in relationships, one person is going to be going thru while the other person is ok. and when it happens, i feel guilty if im the one receiving.

i feel guilty when i receive and i have nothing to give back. or i have less to give back. maybe bc ultimately, i dont feel like i deserve it. i was brought up being drilled that you only deserved something if you earned it, and sometimes when you do feel like youve earned it, your efforts still arent good enough. so try harder, bc its better to do more than not enough.

well. i have to realize that sometimes, my best wont be good enough. i cant solve some problems. i can only be there, do what i can, let God do the rest.

and honestly, i cant be in another romantic relationship until i stop feeling like no matter what i do, im still not good enough. its hard to get rid of like 2 decades of bein told youre not good enough. but if i feel like im not good enough, i never will be.

im too hard on myself sometimes. i can clearly see where God wants me to be. i can see where ive came from. and i can clearly see where i am. where i am is not where i want to be, and thats ok. i will never be perfect, bc im human. my mind says this logically, but its still getting thru to my heart.

things that other women feel like are their rights, bc they are precious beings, i dont necessarily feel the same. i wasnt raised like that. women werent respected or treasured in my life. you dont get special treatment as a woman, you learn to be strong and fend for yourself and earn whatever favors you get.

ive had to think about this a lot lately.

do i finally feel like im good enough? i dont know. i still see so many issues that i feel should be resolved. i still feel like i shouldnt burden anyone with all this crap. but i think, when i love ppl, their issues arent really a burden to me bc i love them so much.

its my responsibility to get a hold on my issues. its my responsibility to keep workin on them, keep seeking God, not hiding from things...all that.

but i also deserve someone who loves me enough that my issues arent that big to them. i deserve someone who doesnt think i have to earn their love. i deserve someone who treasures me.

u kno, they are gonna be times when i make mistakes, where i forget something. there are gonna be times when im not good enough. but thats what grace is for. 

when you love a person, you see their faults, their good qualities, their habits, their issues, their insecurities, and their potential. and you want to help them and walk with them thru life, continually growing and learning WITH them.

im not good enough. but who is?
im growing, im pushing forward, and thats good enough.
having more [or less] issues does not qualify you for special treatment. there are some things that are thrown your way in life that you have no power over. its how you handle your life that determines what you are mature enough for.

"I am STILL confident that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27: 13-14

the forehead kiss

sigh. the forehead kiss.

is this not the most wonderful of kisses?

. . .
maybe its just me then.

its remarkable the tangle of emotions you can feel depending on the person giving the kiss as well. no matter what, forehead kisses bring me back to feelin like a little girl. for some reason, a kiss on the forehead calms me down, relaxes me. it makes me feel safe, secure, protected.


only [maybe] 3 men have given me the forehead kiss, which is just perfect because it shouldnt be something wasted. my brother, maybe my father, and my road dog.


my brother always makes me feel protected. point blank, period. he has my heart.
my father, there was/are a lot of mixed emotions there. dont care to go into that right now.

my road dog...ah. ah the best forehead kiss ever. its like an electrical circuit, love being passed. its like comfort, its emotion that is unspeakable, words that havent been made yet. i feel like a child being cradled thru the storm. its gentle, yet powerful. it quickens my heart [not in a lustful way]. it almost brings tears and def brings a smile and a sigh. its just the epitome of...of something. knowin that that person will never leave you. lives and circumstances change, but that person will always be there for you.


i wonder if it works the other way too...if i can give a forehead kiss to a man and it be that powerful...
bc i def would like to share that feelin with someone(s).

my story

so, i thought back and realized i should have posted this before my last post. but its ok. heres me backtracking. i originally wrote this post for Praise{Break}. check that out too. enjoy.

I was majoring in architecture at Howard University, making my mother proud and planning a future life where I had a lot of money [which I never had] and provided for my family. I was doing what everyone wanted me to do, what I was supposed to do.

But I didn't want to be an architect.


I mean, I am interested in architecture, like I'm interested in a lot of things. I would have been okay as an architect, eventually, I think. But it wasn't my passion and I started to see that maybe it wasn't my plan.

I wanted to do event planning [specifically for non-profits]. I realized this around my sophomore year at Howard, and I put it out of my mind. That wasn't part of anyone's plan for my life. Except it was someone's plan--God's.

I was hardheaded; no matter what confirmation I got about this, I did not listen. It just didn't seem possible to pursue it and be successful, especially since Howard didn't have that option. I mentioned it, slightly, to a few people, and they of course shut it down, not knowing I was secretly serious. But when they shot it down, so did I. I kept putting it off my mind until last December. I was being attacked mentally, emotionally, financially, and having family and school issues. That's when I really started re-evaluating my life and the direction I was going.

I withdrew from Howard this past February. I plan on going to George Washington University for their event management certificate program and taking the certification exam within the next few years. This was a hard, scary decision, and a lot of pain and heartache happened before and after I finally submitted to God and pursued my passion.

I believe there are different paths to take. Your work can be your passion, or you can work and do your passion as volunteer work, or work and do your passion when you retire, etc...and none of these are the "right" answer. You are an individual, and you have to listen to God [whatever you do in your "you and God time"] so you know and understand what is your path to take.

Don't let fear and doubt paralyze you. I've watched my friends celebrate as they graduated this May, or [for my architecture friends] celebrate because they only have a year left. I've cried knowing that it may not happen for me, or if it does, it's going to be a while. [Event Management does not require a degree, but I am thinking of getting a degree in graphic design.] But that is their story, and this is mine. I had to realize that. YOU have to realize that.

Make your life YOUR story, and not a spin-off of someone else's idea of a sitcom.

Watch my video to see the in-depth story.

my plans

everyone wants to know what is going on with me and my professional life. i was actually talkin to my tre about it.

my plans were to save money so that i can enroll in george washington university's event management program. complete the program, my praticum hours, and my portfolio. take the exams so i can be an event planner as well as a bridal consultant. pay howard so that i can go back and get a degree in design, just so i could have a bachelors in something [and it pertains to what im going to do]. start my business: elixir events and design.

so i started to work on my scheme. i know exactly how im going to do this GW thing. so i was really working on my HU scheme. you know, classes i need to take and when to take them. as i was looking, i just got really frustrated. why you ask?

bc i have completed a lot of classes at howard. some do pertain to design and meet the requirements for that major. but i think some things are very stupid.

in architecture, when you get a scheme, it pretty much says "take these classes listed. for your electives, pick out of these electives. pass the classes. graduate." makes sense to me. classes all deal with my major, even most of my electives. i do have to take that one african american studies class that all HU students must take, but i made mine blacks in the arts. i have to take pe for 2 semesters of course bc they want to pretend like they keepin us healthy.

what doesnt make sense to me is COAS. the heck is a liberal arts division, and why do i need to take it if it doesnt pertain to my major? im ok with taking speech bc in my job ill have to make presentations and communicate. but i dont see any reason i need freshman seminar. and why is swimming a requirement for graduation? and i surely dont need philosophy, i think too much already.

i feel like if i go back to some traditional school to get a bachelors, im wasting...why is that? bc i have to cut back on work to go back, yet i still have to pay bills plus pay for school. the financial aid i would get would be all government grants and loans [since i dont qualify for any other loans and dont want them anyways...there are outside scholarships that i would have to lose sleep to find & apply, takin away more time lol] which just cover tuition and i have to continue to pay for bills and the rest of school on my own but with less money. then wen its all done, i have to pay the government back for classes that i took that had NOTHING to do with my degree.

also, im just in another mindset. im in a hands on mode. lets go out and do it. live life and work. learn what i need to do my job effectively and then go do it. learn about myself and who i am in God. i dont mind sitting in a classroom setting learning, if im takin notes that i kno i will use later when i actually do it.

plus, the only reason i want to go back and get a degree is bc i feel so much pressure. everyone is asking me when am i going back to school. when will i graduate. what will my major be. will i still go to howard. and tellin me that the only way you will get a  job nowadays is if you have a degree....

yet i just realized the other day that im happy. i like hustling. i like being busy. i like doing several things. i like knowin how to get money no matter what [i definitely like that im past the stage of learning humility and how to seek help, that i no longer have to ask ppl to borrow money]. i like earning money by helping people and making them happy in several different ways. i would be perfectly fine if i didnt have a degree. i would just keep doing what im doing--doing what im asked, doing what i see is needed, doing what i love [and what i dont love too sometimes]

i know what its like to struggle financially, and so most of my life was spent in countless hours worrying and planning and controlling to ensure that that wouldnt happen again. but being a good steward over your money isnt just about making a lot of it and saving it all. for the first time in my life, im comfortable with where i am with money. i have a budget so i dont overspend [im not a big spender anyways]. i make enough to save [which will be depleted when i start at GW, but i know i can build it back up]. im content. yes i would like to make more simply bc i know life throws crazy things at us. and i would like to help my family out, plus save up for my future family.

but the fact is, success isnt about money for me anymore. yes i want to have enough money to pay for my and my family's needs. but more and more im not stressing about it bc when im obedient to God and not worrying, i find that it all works out. success, for me, is fulfilling the purposes for which God created me, called me to do. and im discovering more and more everyday what that is.

well, what do i want tho, for my future?

i want to plan events and programs [weddings, conferences, seminars, conventions, parties, concerts, forums, shows, etc.]. design stuff that makes ppl happy. give ppl their visions that they couldnt accomplish alone and make it reality. make my visions come to life. have people smile. help ppl to look good and feel good about themselves. raise my family as God ordains. serve my husband. run around and do stuff for my church, ANQ, beacon, and my community. DANCE. and most importantly, i want to serve God and know i have done my best to surrender to Him and His will.

best of all, i know God has given me talents. gifts. personality traits. experiences. and people. and the most important question is, what does HE want for my future, why did He gift me with these things?

so, even tho ppl give me concerned, bewildered, even pained looks and talk to me in gentle and/or stern tones, i will continue to look for the answer to that question, and that question only. right now, i know going to GW is in my future. getting a bachelors degree is something i am still praying about, simply bc its so many feelings tied up in that my confusion makes it hard to hear God clearly. i havent gotten any confirmation one way or another.


so until i do, im just going to continue to do the things i know He has for me to do right now. and He'll show me the rest as long as i listen and obey.

my heart

the other day [lol my tre gets on to me for sayin this phrase wen "the other day" to me could mean months ago] i was riding the bus downtown to get a new phone. i sat down, with my earphones on, with an open book [both precautions, signs that should have said DONT TALK TO ME] next to a nice looking young man who looked about 18 or thereabouts. i was enjoyin my fred hammond when he spoke to me.

my first inclination was to sigh, but i restrained myself. he asked me where i was from, a question im used to hearing [apparently i dont look like im regular black, which i am. i look like i come from another country...which im kinda sure (lol) some of my ancestors did, just very very long ago.] this blossomed into a conversation about travel, and i guess from some of the things i was saying he realized that i was older than he thought.

of course. bc i look like a 15 year old. which wen im 40 ill appreciate because by then ill look like im in my late twenties. [but right now i just would like to wear my khakis and not look like a middleschooler.]

anyways, off the rant. the boy went to howard, was a freshman, and was thoroughly shocked that i was older than him. it was a nice convo that had me thinkin all day.

not really about the convo but about his reaction.

see, i know i look young, which is a reason i think imma be old(er) before i get a husband. the kind of man i want/need prob wouldnt wanna talk to me bc he would think im jailbait. then i started thinkin of all the reasons that i dont have a man right now and why i think i wont for a while.

1. i shut down everyone. i dont like to be approached in that way. romantically. not by strangers. not by friends either really. why not by friends you ask? bc....

2. i dont really have a lot of male friends. not closeclose ones that would be potential. actually, i would say 98% of my male friends/acquaintances are in ANQ.

3. i look like a baby. middle aged men approach me bc they are pedophiles, and teenagers approach me bc they think im their age.

4. for some reason i only attract hood niccas. and i really dont like them...they make me wanna roll my eyes, question their manhood, use big words to demean them...or i attract immature guys who always need advice from me [eye roll]. i just want a calm, uber silly, wise, mature, "nice" [preferably nerdy] guy.

the list goes on. then i thought, why am i doin this to myself? im just reaffirming to myself things that will only get me down...but then i realized that i had to evaluate myself, lay it all down, so i can work on it.

i heard one of my line sisters say the other day that she didnt want to be in a relationship bc when she thought about men her heart just locked up. i dont feel that im that way, bc when i think about men/love/relationships, my heart overflows...

ive already established that i feel hard/deeply. i love hard too. and i want to give my everything to someone, its like a burning desire in me. but it seems i have this mental wall up, bc altho i love ppl hard, its hard for me to trust them. and thats bc of my past i kno....but unless i have a feeling of instant trust when i meet you, its gonna take years for me to build a simple trust.

and i need a deep trust for a intimate relationship [romantic or otherwise]. which is why i shut down men. i feel like most of the men i know who approach me [that are my friends, im not gonna start anything with someone off the street that asks for or gives me their number] dont know me. they arent really friends [bc my friends wouldnt approach me, bc they know how i am...they would just go about their business and keep gettin to know me, pray, and wait for the right time], they are acquaintances who say that they like me romantically and wanna be my man. but....if i feel like you dont know me, im going to say no. how u wanna be my man and u dont KNOW me?

so i say, well, we dont know each other. lets keep bein friends and see what happens. and what usually (99%) happens is that a few months later they have a girlfriend.

so i guess, the only kind of relationship i wouldnt shut down if they asked to take it to the next level is if the man is one of my best friends. we have a solid friendship, others probably think we are already dating or should be bc we talk frequently about everything, hang out a lot...and it kinda just happens, evolves til its unavoidable lol.

i need to know that u know some of my secrets and still like who i am. i need to know that you see me at my weak points and still think im strong. i need to know that when i hurt you, wen we hurt each other, youll still care about me. i need to know that you know me, my personality, my heart, my mind, my interests, my intelligence, my emotions, my faults, my issues, my mistakes, my past----you see ME and yet you want me still.

bc i cant say "yes im your girl" to someone who i havent shared certain things with. i cant say that to someone who doesnt know enough about me. bc im scared that youll find out something in a few weeks that you cant live with.

yeah, thats pretty much it. im scarred & im scared, so i think thats why i think about this so extensively. but as with all my issues, im prayin on it and workin thru it....

so lets be friends. when we get to a certain point that one of us needs to stop, thats the level of our friendship. and when we discover that we never want to stop, then we will continue to grow together, change and learn about each other over and over again, forever.

my heart is too fragile, too precious, and too big to pass around.

weak

the older i get [or i should say, the deeper i walk wit God] the weaker i feel i become. i used 2 not allow anyone to see me cry [due to childhood experiences that showed me cryin was not the business, but thats another story]. i didnt ask for help & i was so good at providin for myself that ppl didnt even notice wen i was strugglin or in pain. i smiled all the time. when i was sick i pushed thru it. i could survive days without sleep.

but when i actively started to deal with my past, my issues, my insecurities, and desired to learn to depend on God, craziness started happening. i was cryin in public, prone to havin breakdowns in my room, where i felt such an overload of emotions that i felt crazy, couldnt breathe, couldnt do anything but lay & cry & silently pray.

[ive known for a long time that im an emotional person, moreso than most. i feel things very sharply, deeply, and very strongly. (that doesnt sound right lol.) but id always managed to stay aloof from it, bc feelin so much hurts a lot, esp wen its someone elses feelings that im feelin. i tend to be able to feel others feelings, and it gets confusing and painful...but thats another post.]

i was no longer able to figure out my own problems, and the ability to know what to say to others was waning. i would get/feel sick and not be able to push thru. i would not be able to sleep and then suddenly not be able to stay awake! [i who once was awake for 5 days straight!]

it was even more difficult bc i felt like i had no one but myself. i felt like this before all this started happening. i was fiercely independent. i was the one everyone turned to for answers for the longest time. family, friends, school. there werent many ppl i could ask for advice or how to do somethin and after i finally met some ppl, there werent many ppl i trusted enough....dixie [thas my mama for those who dont know] but i didnt like to bother her bc she had so much on her plate, i usually tried to help her out. so this whole thing was new to me, knowing how, where, and when to ask for assistance. i didnt know what to do or how to go about it.

i felt alone. i couldnt feel God, couldnt hear Him, no matter what i did. but that doesnt mean He wasnt there...sometimes God intentionally draws back at crucial points in our lives to test character, reveal weakness, and prepare us for more responsibility [like He did with Hezekiah in 2 Chronicles 32, he had a close relationship with God, but then God withdrew from Hezekiah in order to test him and to see what was really in his heart].

i was at my weakest. but God is always stronger than anything. i had to be weak so i could learn to depend on Him. and im still learning. [big time.]

i feel like im the weakest person i know, while others tell me im the strongest woman they kno. but i cry all the time. sometimes i can barely get out of bed; sometimes i dont get out. i still have breakdowns. i worry about my health, money, my family. i doubt God at times. i feel lost & confused and i give in to dispair. i have overwhelming displays of emotion. sometimes i give in to the weakness of my flesh...im double minded. i know what God said yet i renege on it. im so weak.

but yet & still God is strong. and im learnin to depend on Him.

lonely but never alone

say youre lonely around some Christian folks and its a cussword, i promise!

but why cant i be lonely? i think that ppl confuse the concept of loneliness with being alone.

im the type of person where i want to share everything, every part of me, with someone. i like sharing. and its cool that i have ppl in my life that i can share stuff with. but the bottom line is that i have this deep need to share EVERYTHING with one person.

one person who i trust fully and i feel ok with unburdening myself on them. with whom i can share ALL aspects of my personality, my spirit, my soul, my heart, mind, feelings, emotions, body, thoughts. do you understand?

and im not saying God isnt enough. as a matter of fact, God is more than enough. He is the only person who knows me better than me, who knows me entirely. the only person who is always there.

but let's face it, in no way is God going to have sex with me.

im just bein real ppl. no blasphemy so stop gasping.

maybe i should have said "God isnt gonna yell down to me." or "God wont bite my cheek to make me laugh." [lol then i wouldnt be me, now would i?]

im just saying that i want a human person in my life who i can share everything with. not leadin & guiding me like God. not taking God's place. but a person i can feel their breath as i tell them how i feel. who can be confused with me when we discuss the complexities of the universe. and who can just hold me when i need to be comforted.

but for some reason, as a Christian single woman, im not supposed to admit to being lonely all the time. loneliness is not ok...and i dont agree with that.

loneliness does make me turn to God. and sometimes after talkin to Him, im still lonely. but im more assured that i am never alone, even in the midst of my loneliness. its like being content in the midst of your trouble. trouble is still there, but you know God is too, doing His perfect work, and you are comforted by that fact. you can endure it in better spirits. you know that God recognizes your feelings and is providin for your needs in His infinite wisdom, His time table, His way.

i read something interesting a while back about Jesus in the garden of gethsemane.

he told his disciples to sit where they were while he went off and prayed. then he took 3 of his disciples [his road dogs] deeper into the garden with him [if Jesus had best friends He took with Him in certain places that He didnt take the others, then why cant us humans understand that sometimes, in some situations, you want certain ppl to be with you and not others? but thats another post, for another issue, for other ppl specifically, for another time].

ok so he told those 3 "my soul is crushed to the point of death; stay here and watch with me." check how Jesus emotions had built up so much inside of Him that He just wanted His friends to be around Him. thats all.

alright so then Jesus goes by Himself and starts talkin to God. wen He goes back to His friends, they are sleep! bammas! he wakes em up and says "yall bammas sleep? you couldnt even stay up and talk, chill, be there with me for an hour?!" how lonely must Jesus have been yo? three separate times His best friends abandon Him for SLEEP [lol im indignant for Jesus but as some ppl know, i would have been the first one asleep pretending like i wasnt]

Jesus, facin a hard time in His life, was communicating with God, yet He had a deep need for human companionship as well. He asked His friends to stay with Him and periodically checked to see if they were still there & awake! how many times do we do this late night on the phone, gchat, txt messages, when we are feeling lonely? Christ was neither sinful nor weak [bc He was/is perfect] so why do we think that we are sinful or weak when we experience loneliness?

it is not the feeling that is sinful or weak. it is how we deal with it. reaching out for human companionship is not sinful or weak, unless you do it without seeking God as well or if you participate in a sinful act bc you were lonely.

so, i guess what im sayin is im ready to admit to some things:
i love God more than anything. yet im still lonely.
but im never alone.