back in the day...

 so back in the day i used to have a myspace. and i just discovered it tonight. lol. and i realized that i have been struggling with this beauty thing for a while. check out these two posts i put up consecutively on myspace. i realize that this is something that i have been needing to address most of my life. maybe one day i will stop being confused [one day thinking im beautiful, the next not knowing, the next convinced that im not pretty nor womanly, physically that is]. anyways, here goes old deanna:

 

(1 feb 2006, 1:43am)  pickles, rain, tears=perfection

life is full of pleasure and pain
both disappointments.

i love the rain
i hate tears
i love pickles

i find myself eating pickles on a rainy day
crying

why?
life is so sour and sweet, or sweet and sour
salty

life is like the taste of pickles and tears on a rainy day

revelations.
come.to.me.
on these rare occasions

imnevergonnalikewhoiam.      Salty
dontnow.                         
neverwill.                               Sour
deal with it

a poem:
the man said to the universe
i exist
the universe replies
i fail to see the point

i saw this girl at a seafood restaurant this weekend. she was so perfect. milk chocolate, smooth, clear skin, perfect curvy shape, pretty eyes with long eyelashes, REAL wavy jet black waist length hair, perfect teeth, lips, voice

perfect
gorgeous
random
unknown
i love her

and i hate myself for not being her

(16 mar 2006, 1:09 pm)  that girl

Remember when i wrote that blog...

and i mentioned this girl
who was beautiful and sexy
and just damn near perfect

i saw her again...
youd never guess where

in the mirror

i wonder at [my] beauty

sometimes i look in the mirror and wonder at my beauty.

why i am so slender, my hips so narrow, my curves so subtle. i gaze on other women with more shapely bodies [wide hips, actual thighs, an actual distinction in the waist from the upper and lower half] with sad longing...i feel that they are more womanly, more of a woman, than me.

i look at my face and speculate why it is so girlish, why i dont have the angles of a womans face and still look the same now as i did at 12. even my favorite feature, my smile, is girlish: it is wide and bright and pure like a 5year olds, not demure or sexy.

i also wonder why my prettiness is also subtle, why i look so normal, average, or even less than 1st impression attractive. it sneaks up on people. why people will not call me beautiful or gorgeous on first sight [i just look ordinary, or cute <-thats been uttered a lot to my baby face] but one has to know me for a while, feel my personality, and catch me under the right light at the right angle to realize in surprise 'oh deanna is a pretty girl.'

dont most women have one of the 2 to distinguish them: that mature [attractive or striking] face or that curvaceous womanly body...or at least the hair.

no matter what i do [excluding wigs or weave] my hair is not flowy nor does it have body or bounce. in fact, it clings to my scalp like it is scared of the world. even straightened [short or long] it doesnt move much. and natural? if i go all out and wash, blow out, condition, and 2strand twist my hair to do a twist out, ill take down my twists and by the end of the day [humid or not] my hair is inching back to my scalp, its safe haven. its packed in there like artificial grass. [at least its thick and sometimes soft...that i can be grateful for]

so i look at my subtle curves that can barely be seen under my clothes [unless they are painted on which doesnt happen often], my lil face that when i put on makeup looks like a 10 year old playing dress-up, and my shrunken nappy [insider: rats suckin on it] head; and i wonder....

wonder when ill ALWAYS see someone beautiful...
when ill see someone womanly...
when ill see someone confident...

wonder when ill see and accept me.

i wonder at my beauty...