sacrificing memories

today, i found something. or somethings. they brought up good memories about my previous relationship.

but...they brought up memories from my previous relationship that, while good, is over. sigh.

i knew that i should throw them away, but it was harder than i thought. i wanted to hold onto them, bc i was scared if i threw these memories away, i wouldnt have any memories anymore....sometimes it's still hard for me to believe that one day ill feel special like that again.

but then i remembered something:

The pursuit of personal holiness, purity, love, and commitment to God requires discipline. We don’t simply drift into godliness. Like the training for track, it takes intentional, focused steps to get there...and that means there will be sacrifice. 

fact of the matter is, i have to let go fully, or else im showing God that I don't have faith that He can and will do all that He said He will. also, how can i tell some young'uns to let go, wait on God, believe, etc. when i have this thing that i am holding onto. this thing that i am committed to so im not fully committed to Him? it's like when my cross country/track coach told us to stop drinking sodas. after a few months, you could tell who really stopped and who didn't. time reveals all things. so just as i sacrificed soda to stay hydrated and healthy in an attempt to shave a few seconds off my time, i have to sacrifice some other material things to stay close to God and not get distracted or discouraged.

like mother, like daughter

i have always been a hustler.

when i was little, around 5 or 6, the age when people start asking "what do you want to be when you grow up?" i remember what i wanted to be. i wanted to be an author who illustrated her own books and a dance teacher/dancer. as i got older, i still wanted to be an author/illustrator, but i had changed my other occupation to  fashion designer and stylist. no matter what, every time i thought about or said what i wanted to be, it was always 3-5 things.

middle school and high school, i did: track, cross country, dance, cheerleading, basketball (combinations of 3 different sports at once), not to mention the like 5 clubs that i was in and had positions in. i just could not sit still.

it happened when i came to howard too. i wanted to double major/minor because i COULD NOT decide what i wanted to do. and i was involved in organizations. smh.

now here i am (by the grace of God), and i have finally finalized what it is that i am supposed to be doing for an occupation and working towards that goal. although my aim in life is to please God and give honor to Him in whatever i do, i believe i now know how i will be doing that in the world.

and how is that, do you ask? of course, it is not one thing lol.

here i am, wanting to start my own event management and graphic design company. i am earning my degrees and certifications towards that as well as gaining experience (that is, i am planning events and getting paid for doing design work). i also do hair at low prices, because i feel that people should feel the best about themselves at all times, no matter how broke they are lol. and i am also babysitting this wonderful young woman, which points to the tugging i have in my spirit of God telling me that i need to mentor young girls (for my own spirit and for theirs as well).

im doing all of this and wonder why i havta hustle so much.

then i look at my mother.

as i get older, i notice more and more of my parents in me. as i look at dixie, i realize she was always a hustler too. in college, taking care of kids and running track. married, in school, with a job, taking care of kids (some not even her own), with a side hustle as a seamstress. even now, dixie is still hustling.

it was always my dream growing up (and now) to provide for my mother so she wouldnt have to go so hard. but today i realized, even if i did provide for her so she wouldnt havta do anything but lay up all day, you know what she would be doing?

sewing for any and everybody; babysitting everybody and they daughter's kids; cooking for everybody; planning events for people's special occasions; tutoring children after school....etc.

and you know what? im fine with that.

and im fine with the fact that imma hustla, imma imma hustla homie! 

just like my mama.