STUDY

studying.

how many of us love it? lol. well i can honestly say there have been times when i enjoyed studying [if it was a subject i loved] but more often than not, i dont enjoy it.

but, we still study. and we study hard. why is that?

bc we know that in order to be successful in our future, we need it.

back that thang up. "in order to be successful in our future, we need it." [thats a truth right there.] but we dont apply it to the most important subject ever...we dont put nearly as much importance on Bible study as we do on scholastic studying.

we will study all night for a test. we will find all kinds of supplemental books to help us understand the subject better. we will have study groups. we will go to our teachers office hours. we will memorize portions, we will study on the bus, we will fill pages of notebooks. we will make sure we know how to ace that test.

why dont we apply this all to studying God's word? there are so many tests in our lives that we could ace, if we only had the answers...if we would only search for the answers.

but we shouldnt approach the Bible as only an encyclopedia, looking for tips and techniques. Ultimately we can know all the "tips & techniques" the Bible offers for dealing with sin, life, relationships, etc. but unless we know God, we really cannot execute anything it says in the right spirit. [for we are not perfect, yet God is.]

approach the Bible as a tool to know God.
brood over the scriptures so you will know Him as He really is in all His forms.
get to know Him through His stories.
dont forget God as a Person: He thinks, wills, enjoys, feels, loves, desires, and suffers.
read it like a book. like a memoir of your best friends life.
the same tools you use to study for school, utilize in your spiritual life.

im not going to make this any longer. there is so much i can say about studying, one of the most well know disciplines. however, you should read THIS POST that one of my frat brothers, verdell, wrote. wen i read it i was happy he wrote it because i had been wanting to write a post about Bible study tips. but he did it, and its beautiful. check it out.

"the measure of the strength of a man's faith is ultimately the measure of his knowledge of God." ~Martin Lloyd-Jones

lets grow beyond the milk of mere salvation and graduate to the meat of His Word....

the equation

my last post was about contentment. [and since i believe that my study and meditation will be ongoing, will never end, that means i can go back as much as i want lol.]

as i was saying, my last post was about contentment. and i realized something. i said previously that contentment wasnt one of the things i was "supposed" to be studying, but it was the one thing i really really wanted to accomplish.

then i realized something: im supposed to be focusing on peace. and as i draw closer to God and seek peace from Him, i find my life changing.

im more grateful.
i dont complain as often.
i appreciate more things more.
i see the small, amazing things He does.
im taking better care of myself, and liking it.
im feeling better, more hopeful about my future.

im gaining peace.

and as i gain peace, i get more & more content in who i am as a person, who i am in Christ, my life and how it has been in the past, my life and the direction it is going now.

peace from God = contentment.

[now, contentment should not be confused with complacency. you can appreciate the stage youre in now and have joy, but strive for better. we always strive for better.]

contentment

ive been sharing the fruits of the Spirit ive been meditating on, the disciplines im studying. so far ive talked about joy a lot. i think ive mentioned peace. and im going to write something about patience soon. ive also talked about humility and submission, and i have plans to share my thoughts about study as well. ive also talked about trust and healing and listening and growing, which arent in either of those categories. ive talked about a lot more...

my point is, ive posted things about what ive been learning on my journey of life.

but the main thing that i wish to learn on this journey is contentment.

most of my life i havent been content. ive always yearned for more, wished things were different. which isnt bad in and of itself. its good to push yourself for better things, to look forward to the future. but its also not healthy to never like where you are in life.

and ive never much liked the hand ive been dealt in life.

im trying to grow. im seeking God a lot about this because someone near to me mentioned it about me, that im not grateful for what i do have. and a lot of my problems, or what i see as problems, is because of that.

my deepest desire is to be content no matter my circumstances. i want to be joyful at all times bc i recognize that i have God. i want God to fill me up so that i can see nothing but Him and be satisfied, no matter what is happening in my life.

listen to this, because it sums up what i feel and what i wanna say:

Every person who longs to be married knows that sinking feeling when yet another friend becomes engaged. Every childless couple feels a stab of grief when yet another pregnancy is announced. Every sick person who has prayed for healing feels the confusion when hearing another’s miraculous testimony of being healed. Why them and not me, God? we whisper inside, as we put on our smiles and hide our sadness. The apostle Paul tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice (Romans 12:15), but when others get what we’ve been denied it can feel like something in us has died.

“I have learned how to be content with whatever I have,” Paul said (Philippians 4:11). In this case, he was talking about food and finances, but we can read his sentiment more broadly. Paul was single, he’d been denied healing, and had often lacked safety, shelter, and sleep. Yet he could say his weaknesses were his strength (2 Corinthians 12:10). How?

Paul revealed his secret to the Philippians: “I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13). He faced sickness, singleness, loneliness, and sleeplessness by drawing all he needed from Jesus who dwelt within him. The most contented people I know have discovered this secret for themselves: their enjoyment of God overshadows any loss they’ve known.

May our empty spaces be filled with Jesus today.

[sidenote: here is a complete list of what ive been using for the:

fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, long-suffering (patience), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control

Christian disciplines: humility, submission, study, simplicity, sacrifice, fasting, chastity, secrecy (intimacy between you and God alone, not bad secrets lol), solitude, silence, meditation, prayer, service, fellowship, confession, worship, celebration]

eating habits

i wrote this blog a long time ago for ANQ Lambda's blog. then i submitted it to Praise{BREAK} and created a video to go along with it as well...

i recently came back to it because i realized that i was unhealthy! i havent been taking care of myself and this blog convicted me on that. like a tweet i wrote earlier: "sometimes i look back at things ive written and i shock myself - 'did i really write that?'"

so here it is. i wanted to share. theres a video at the end. and be honest with yourself, are you being healthy?

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not condoning or condemning any lifestyle choices or eating choices that one may have [i have many vegetarian/vegan friends who are healthy, tho i do not agree with their choices lol. so im not sayin that you cant be healthy if you choose something different...this is merely an analogy]. However, if you have an eating disorder, I do advise you to seek help

The other day I was considering becoming a vegetarian. I was hearing all of these benefits that come if you make the switch...but it didn't even last a day. I went to Negril and got a curried chicken patty and coco bread, and when I realized that being a vegetarian equals no patties, I gave up that dream. But it did make me think.

What kind of eating habits do we have in our spiritual life? How are we feeding our Spirit (and likewise, feeding our flesh)? As Jesus is the Bread of Life, are we eating healthy? What type of eater are you?

There is the glutton, stuffing himself with flesh. Everyone knows what that is, back in the gap when we were happy in our sin. However, realistically, there are also religious gluttons, stuffing themselves with "religion"; acting holy, doing the rituals, and saying the "right" things without really believing or fostering an individual relationship with God. An interesting story I once heard was about an atheist who regularly attended church. Although she did not believe in God at all, she was attracted to the religious atmosphere. Is that us, going to church, "ministering," and fellowshiping without the real commitment of Christ being the center of our lives?

Or do we stuff ourselves with flesh all week, indulging in our our sinful desires, only to "purge" on Sunday? These binge eaters/bulemics are on a continuous cycle, coming forward every Sunday to the altar, yet never seem to get the victory over sin. It may seem like the purge is good for you, but it isn't. [Repentance = not only being sorry for your sins and apologizing, but realizing that the only way you are forgiven/changed is through God's grace. Don't just share your life with Him every few days or weeks, but every day.]

Anorexics starve themselves. They don't necessarily go out and intentionally obey their flesh; they are active in ministries and counsel others. However, they do not speak with God. They don't worship. They only turn to God when they get especially hungry and therefore show no spiritual growth.

Constant Dieters are too busy watching and seeing what other people are doing to actually focus on what is good for THEM. They are constantly taking and adding things to fit their ideal of what they "should" be, and not necessarily considering what is healthy for their individual growth. They are always on the lookout for the "quick fix" that will transform them into what they want to be with minimum work, minimum time, and maximum result.

Some people eat only the basics and don't get any meat. They are who Paul means when He says "babes in Christ." They may approach God daily, yet they don't delve deeper. Every issue is dealt with on the surface. Vegans/Vegetarians receive just enough to get by.

A normal eater has a mix and match kind of habit. Every once in a while they go and do something they know they shouldn't, but for the most part they do okay. Occasionally they touch on deeper issues, but then they fall back into their normal regimen.

Healthy people go out of their way to seek and find the true healthy balance. They are not afraid to pay a high price because they know the end result of a healthy, all natural, balanced relationship with God is worth it. They go deep and research the effects of every action and thought; they consult the ultimate Nutritionist on everything they bring into their bodies and hearts. This is how God wants us to be. He wants us to desire a deeper relationship with Him, and not pattern our relationship on what other people may be doing. He wants us to chase after Him in every situation, every event, every person, thought, activity in/of our lives. He wants to be our everything, and that is how it should be.

Ask yourself today, and everyday, how is my diet looking?

way deeper

did i ever mention that i dont trust easily?

yesterday i was walking down a neighborhood street to the bank. i stopped at a crosswalk at the same time that a man in a car [a very nice car] stopped at the intersection. he glanced over at me then looked back at me. Since I didnt know anyone in this neighborhood yet i walked thru it often [and ppl frequently said "hi" to each other] i thought nothing of it when he said hi. i said hello back with a smile. then he asked me for my name.

Me: *blank stare* wha?
Him: how u doin?
Me: fine
Him: so whats your name?
Me: im not telling you my name. you're a stranger in a car.
Him: what if i get out? i guess ill be a stranger walking then, huh?
Me: exactly *walks across street*
Him: *creeping next to me slowly in his car [creep]* so hows this wednesday been treating you?
Me: *side eye* im walkin in the rain with no umbrella. but im smiling so i guess its ok *crosses the street in front of his car and glares*
Him: *wavering smile* well...have a nice day, miss lady
Me: you too *beams*

i dont like encounters like these. they actually happen to me pretty frequently [bc i am gorgeous. lol actually simply bc im a woman]. a strange man, scruffy or clean, tries to "get to know me." but they dont want to get to know me really. when you see a woman on the street who is a stranger, you just see her, you dont see her. you see someone so attractive to you physically [bc thats all u can see of me right now] that you have to know her name...and id rather not that be the start of a relationship.

dont get me wrong, i know LOTS of my friends and acquaintances who met their boyfriends at some chance meeting on the street, in the store, etc.  note that i said boyfriends. also note that at least half my friends/acquaintances are married or engaged, and i did not say husbands or fiances. and im waiting for a husband, not another boyfriend. so id rather not...

my point is, i would rather you have to get to know me bc youre attracted to my character, my spirit, my life. beauty changes [bc my beauty dont/wont fade, boo]. dont get me wrong, i want my husband to be attracted to me from the moment he sees me [and be able to tell me that in detail, at the right time]. but i also want a man of such character that he wont just approach a woman in the street bc she looks good. i want someone whos already my friend and who really gets to know me before trying to bring something romantic in the mix. that makes it real intentional. and thats how i know its sincere. bc if you feeling me after you know some things about me, i know that has to be real love.

now i know that this is gonna cause me to delay any type of relationship that would lead to marriage. as i do nothing but eat, sleep, and go to work and church, there is very little opportunity for me to meet, interact, and get to know men. [all the men at my job are gay, and the other side hustles i do dont require me to leave my house]. im on a tight budget so i dont just "go out with friends." frankly, except for a few friends from high school (who dont live in DC), all my male friends/acquaintances are in ANQ and . . . [yeah if you know me, yeah. couldnt do that]

so how do i feel about this? well, i feel like i like to control things. but after God brought all of this to my attention, i realized that along with everything else in my life, i have to give this to Him and trust Him fully with it [not that ive given everything to God yet. aint there quite yet]. i cant trust myself bc id end up being single and miserable forever [bc i dont trust ppl, especially men, easily. and id rather not be with you than be unsure about being with you]. and maybe God is showing me [with the fact that i know no men basically] that i need to get this part of my life in order before i get into a relationship. which i knew already. i dont like going into things a mess, which i am right now...but ill always be some kind of a mess, ill never be perfect [which hurts to say].

i just have to trust that He will also show me when im ready. bc if it was up to my perfectionist self, id never be ready, id keep putting it off bc "oh theres one more thing i have to work on before ill be good for anyone." which begs the question, do i think im good for anyone? well, someone maybe, someday...

this just went way deeper than i meant to go. [reflection time]

just listen

i was reading this book a while back entitled "how to love yourself when you dont know how." [even if you know that you love yourself, its still a very interesting read.]

one thing that i love about reading is that it can take you to another world, it can show you things you didnt even know you know. [plus you get to learn random facts and enhance your vocabulary lol.] so its probably because i love books that God choose to reveal particular things to me in this way [bc im too hard headed to hear it otherwise].

i never knew that i needed healing simply because i didnt admit that anything was wrong. i didnt think anything was wrong really. because i didnt allow my past to interfere with my present, i thought i was good. i even felt kinda proud when people who knew me and a lot of my story told me that i was strong, that id moved on, that its amazing that i didnt allow my past to color my present interactions.

oh were we all wrong.

i was reading this book and there was a section on sexual abuse. i felt okay reading it. until i got to this section that says "indications a person may have been sexually abused as a child."

and my world just crumbled. i cried silent tears, the most painful kind, as i read things that pertained to me. and as i read my spirit just told me exactly how these things manifested in my life and why they manifested the way they did.

and then God talked to me.

it was a process in my healing. it hurt, but you know how when you get hurt really bad, sometimes the things that save you also hurt you. Alcohol, needles, the itch of healing--they all are uncomfortable. but at the end you are alive with no infections.

the truth was, i was alive. but i was slowly dying from infection. it was so deep inside no one could see it. i didnt even see it. it was silent. but God knows all.

i read something the other day from an email devotional i get:

"Life is full of tests. There are a series of tests through the years of formal education. A test is required to receive a learner’s permit—then a driver’s license. There are personality tests, vision tests, hearings tests and blood tests. There are tests of endurance in mountain climbing, mental tests for marathon runners and tests for alcohol intake. Like it or not—tests measure current progress—and they are an indicator of future direction.
More specifically, the Christian life is a series of divine tests. These are moments along our path of faith that our Heavenly Father wants to reveal to us what’s really in our heart. This raw revelation can be rewarding or it can be a reality check of regression. Either way His tests are meant to motivate us forward in a step of growth in grace and love."

God tests sometimes to reveal to us where we are. He already knows our hearts, even the parts that we dont know. And sometimes we need to be shown that.

In order for me to seek help i had to realize that i needed help.
In order for me to grow i have to first know my areas that need growth.

Sometimes i hear it from quiet reflection with God. Sometimes i hear it from study and devotion. Sometimes i hear it from prayer, either mines or others. Sometimes i hear it from advice from friends and wise counsel. Sometimes i hear it from debates and sermons. And sometimes i hear it from random places, like bird song...or a book.

what im saying is realize that you arent perfect, and you will never get there. the Word says [in several places and in several ways, check out the left column, altho i was thinkin of a particular scripture when i first wrote this] that we are continually being transformed, bit by bit, into His image until the day He comes back. that lets me know that there will always be something for me to work on.

and that i should always be listening.