be-attitudes

[i know, a lot of posts tonight. but i been thinking]

this is a comment i posted on the breakfast nook, another (anq) blog i like. it was in reply to a post about the beatitudes. i just read it and it ministered to me =) . . . something i noticed. BEATTITUDES. attitudes to be . . . be this attitude . . . strive for it . . . anyways, check out the comment:

I have loved the beatitudes since I was young, for one main reason--they reward us for our heart and not necessarily our actions.

I feel like Paul in Romans 7:18-22. I love God so much, and I want to love what He loves and hate what He hates. Yet no matter how much I want to do right, I can’t. I continue to do the things I hate even when I know it’s wrong. It breaks my heart. Thank God for His grace carrying me.

And that’s why I love this passage. My favorite beatitude is “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” Because God knows my heart. He knows when I am truly defying Him or when it is just my sinful nature or when I am doing it unintentionally.

And I want to see my Father. Even if I can’t see Him with mortal eyes, I want to bathe in His Presence unscathed when that time comes. And so I strive to keep my heart pure, check my motives, so even when the war between my sinful nature and the Holy Spirit wages, if my sinful nature wins that particular battle, it will not win the war for my heart.

For my heart belongs to God.

Oh Lord, restore my heart. that fred hammond clean heart. help me to do that israel houghton moving forward. and help me to turn to you heart, spirit, soul, body, first.

[just some thoughts]

so last month my devotions were on humility and submission. and i learned a lot of things. like what i thought i knew about humility and submission, i really didnt know all that much.

for one thing, i was thinking of true submission. i would think that i would be a good wife because i know how to submit. but the things about that is, unless you know how to fully submit to God, you can't fully submit to anyone else, regardless if you trust that person and the Holy Spirit living in that person. and while i thought i was pretty good at submitting to God, i realized . . . im not.

check this. if you are in a war, and the other side totally tears you apart, at the end of the battle, you dont say "well, we submitted to them." NO, they beat your tail! you didnt wave a little white flag, you retreated at the end because you had no choice.

the same with my life. a lot of times i may say, o i submitted to God in [this area], but in the end, i really didnt. God pretty much blocked the way so that i had no other choice. He showed me in the beginning the best thing to do. but i wanted to go another way. so i kept going other ways until....the only way for me to go was God's way or totally lose who I am in Him. so i didnt submit. submission is me saying, I trust you and I choose your way. Not, well my way didnt work out so here i am Lord. do you get it? i hope i am explaining it well enough.

now humility. let me tell you. i have been told that i am humble. so much that after a while, i was proud of my humility. lol what an oxymoron.
but ppl thought i was humble just bc i was accepting and understanding of where ppl were at. because i have been on the bottom rung a lot. i have experienced things. i have had mindsets that seem crazy to other ppl, esp Christians. and i can still relate deeply to most ppl i meet. i was humble bc i could remember where i was and frankly, i can see where i still am and i dont think im all that good. then i read this little quote:

"Being humble is not a matter of pretending to be worthless, but is a form of realism, not only regarding the real badness of one's sins and stupidities and the real depth of one's dependence on God's grace, but also regarding the real range of one's abilities. Humble believers know what they can and cannot do. They note both their gifts and their limitations, and so are able to avoid both the unfaithfulness of letting their God-given powers lie fallow and the foolhardiness of biting off more than they can chew."
- J.I. Packer, A Passion for Faithfulness: Wisdom From the Book of Nehemiah

i wasnt pretending to be worthless, but i thought i was. and not only did i think i was, i was mad at other ppl for it! and i was smug at those ppl who judged others bc i was like, if only they knew how worthless they are.

im still dealing with that.

and submission. in order to truly submit, you have to have that quiet space where you can hear the Spirit's voice. because how can you submit if you dont even know what is being said?

happy

so. this therapist wants me to keep a journal. which is okay. i have so many notebooks already bc i have so many thoughts, i need to organize them somehow. but i dont really want to write a journal specifically for this.

anyways. she asked me last time to write "what a happy DeAnna looks like." smch. how the hell am i supposed to know, if i knew i would have laid a successful plan to get there already, now wouldnt i? anyways, this is what i wrote [this was last week. i was sick this week and so i didnt go yesterday. i think maybe i should have regardless, but im still feeling bad now and i have 2 trips to make in 2 days so . . . sigh]

"A happy DeAnna. Actually, I'd rather not answer this question. Not because I can't imagine it or put it into words. As I thought about it, a lot of things came to mind. Like, I'm a busy person and I like to stay active. I set big goals for myself. So this whole list of things I was thinking, it's a lot. Things I want to do every day,  week, month; for myself and others. But then I thought, well what happens if all these things aren't accomplished/met? I'm a holistic person. If I don't get it all excellent, then it doesn't matter. So if all this crap doesn't happen, then, knowing myself, I will be sad because I wasn't living up to the 'happy' DeAnna I planned out. Because I plan and I make lists and they are bond. So I'd rather not do that now. I'd rather say, I want to be comfortable in myself, and I want to be content in any and every circumstance. Because in my perspective, life almost never goes right. And when it does go right, it doesn't go 'straight' right, it veers off to the left a little. So I just want to be happy regardless of circumstances because my circumstances are always bad/less desirable/conditions that other people are shocked people can stand. [for those of you who say otherwise, ive lived my life, you havent. ive heard you say that its all going to work out, only to witness it not work out the way you said it would. and i refuse to believe that the reason it didnt work out was because i 'didnt have enough faith' and bc it worked out for you means ur faith is better than mine. i believe that some ppl just have hard lives, faithful or not. some ppl are meant to be job, with life good, then hard, then good again. some people have good lives then they go hard til the end, and some ppl have lives that are hard PERIOD. in the end, we all win. in the end, we have JOY not bc things are joyful here on earth, but bc our souls are saved. thats what God gave that the world cant take away, that joy of certainty that no matter what, in the end, i have Jesus and we win. anyway. back to my therapy assignment.] I want to know who I am, be comfortable with that, not care who other people think I should be, and idk, just BE happy. Who cares what it looks like, so long as I'm there?"

 my therapist says this means that i am submitting to the 'process.' idk what it means, other than i am tired and just want to be normal. have a job (that doesnt have to pay a lot but be enough), family, do ministry work. . . . cook clean dance. . . .and just do things without breaking down for no apparent reason or being overun by emotions. thats all i ask. happy?

terror

sometimes, we get scared of things. i mean, life is scary. but earlier this semester, when i was takin my theory class, my professor lamented how youth today dont recognize the importance of words. that stuck wit me. i use words sometimes that have deep meanings, but i use them on trivial stuff. so i was thinking about the word terrified. ive used it on occasion. but in thinkin back over my life, i can see there have only been about 5 instances where i was actually absolutely terrified.

the reason i was thinkin about this because two of the incidents have happened recently.

the first three instances where i was terrified were...the first time i saw the look in my fathers eye where i knew he was out of his mind [after that 1st incident, when i saw it, i was scared, but not terrified. i had gotten used to it i guess and accepted whatever the end result was gonna be]...the time he ran after the car when my mama was driving away with us to get out, and he managed to open the passenger door and almost pulled my sister out, i had some irrational thoughts then, that we would never escape him, that he would take her hostage, that he would fall under the wheels of the car; but he let go and we left (only to come back later)...and that day in that room, when every trace of naivete inside of me was lost; that second when all the boys surrounded me and i realized what was happening, that it wasnt a joke or a dream [ive actually been in other situations after that time, but i never was terrified, i guess because i felt like the worst had been done, plus by that time, i was the one manipulating everything].

and the last two. about a month ago when i went to the center to do the intake process for counseling. and this past week, my very first counseling session.

you may say that thats no reason to be terrified. then you dont know me.

sitting in a room, looking at a woman who doesnt know me, asking me questions.

i was terrified. i recognized the feeling. i was shakin involuntarily, i could hear my heart pounding, felt it speeding up, i was sweating...i could see myself in my minds eye. clenching my hands between the thighs of my crossed legs, not letting any emotion show in my face. not lookin the woman in the eye. not lookin at her directly period. not being able to get my thoughts together, not being able to breath freely.

i dont know why, i was so terrified, both times. of what? that we shall see....

both times i had a headache leaving. this was supposed to ease stress and tension, yet it created more.
that first session, i realized a whole lot about myself that i dont ever wanna see.

idk if its gonna get easier to talk. i dont feel like it is. its gonna hurt my heart and my head every time. in the end, i hope it helps. but for right now, just thinkin about going on wednesday, im getting anxious.

i havnt thought about anything we discussed (during counseling) since last wednesday right after the session [when i broke down]. i cant handle a breakdown everyday. maybe one day it wont be so many things to address, so many issues, so many feelings. but until then, i have to work. so i dont think about it.
idk if thats good for me or not, but what i do know is i cant handle business when i do think about it. and the fact is, i dont have the luxury of being able to think about it--my life goes on and i still have things that need to get done. so idk what to do, or how all this is gonna work out, i just know at the end of 6 months i have to be done, healed, and ready or...or what? i cant restart my life like this, thats what.

if only i was rich and stuff and could afford to just take time off to work thru my issues and come back fine.
and now im crying. i have to step back and stop thinking.

this is what we do for each other

so we already established that i dont say names on this blog [just because. idk. it was a subconscious thing] but right now, this name has to be said. this chick is ONE of my bestests, and is gonna be in my life forever. [we already established that shes my maid of honor whenev it comes to that] idk how we got like this, but our relationship is what it is and nobody can probably understand it unless they was us. lol. anyways, VICTORIA D. BROWN [altho she has many alias] felt the need to grace my facebook notes with a comment in response to my last blog "how are you?" very insightful and the world needs to hear this, so it has moved up from comment status:

The worst you could do in this situation is give up on yourself. It's easy. You say, "Hey. It's no point in me even trying to better myself with negative influences coming from all around me so I quit. I'm not suicidal or anything, but I quit." WRONG. Given the lives we've had since birth, the things we've experienced, the hits we've taken (AND THIS GOES FOR EVERYONE THAT'LL READ YOUR BLOG AS WELL AS YOU), we've had alot to overcome. Do not give up on yourself.

I read in a book that I'm going to pass to you, because it was passed to me, and maybe you could pass it on to the next person that needs it, that attaining happiness is a continous achievement. That means that you don't "get happy" one day and it lasts forever. Nothing lasts forever. Simply put, it's work. Everything in this life takes work. You have to work to get money, pay bills, be successful, BE HAPPY, have kids, and even more so to love people, yourself and God. And then there are some people that will not agree with having to work to love God.

And that brings me to my next point...working to love God. It is work. Some people get lost in it. Others don't bother with it. And some people find it harder and harder each day. And how do they find it hard? Look around you. People suffer worse, easier, and the exact same burdens you do. A vast majority of those people are church-going, God-fearing people. But they look out into the world and see people that are publicly living in sin, and they are the ones that are living the best in this world...

KEY WORDS: IN THIS WORLD!!!

This world is not ours, it's theirs: the sinners of this world. Now here's where it gets complicated, so try to stay with me if you haven't already gotten it... The bible says that we inherit the Kingdom of God: HEAVEN. And I know you hear older people say all the time that we are in the world but not of the world. EXACTLY! Our happiness is found in the truth that one day we will all be united together, living and enjoying the pleasure of living after life here. We live here to fulfil the destinies that God has written into our souls. So yes, we take hit after hit, because like Jesus lived and took hit after hit, it greatly humbled Him and He knew that one day He would again be with His Father. Now, does that excuse the fact that some people that are also Christians have succeeded in this world and some claim they cannot. No, of course not. But it is up to everyone to endure this fight, stay humble and patient, and be willing to work with God to live out your purpose, and by all means, do what you have to do, in accordance with God's word of course, to succeed while here. Make a name for yourself. Make tons of money. But never forget where you come from nor where you're ultimately going...

So cry your tears girl! But allow God to wipe them away. You're right, He is always there, but like the perfect gentleman, He's not going to come in and save the day unless you invite Him in...

"how are you?"

[warning. this blog is very disjointed. i wrote it while i was in the middle of...idk what to call these things. usually i wait until they are done to write about them. or talk about them. or go out into society. so excuse the raw emotion and excuse how it jumps from topic to topic. thats how my mind works naturally, altho if this was my mind, instead of jumpin to another topic, i would think of both things at the same time...but u cant do that in writing...lol]

i dont know how i am and i dont know how i feel. im tired. i try my best not to feel anything because i can tell what i feel is too deep to deal with in a reasonable amount of time. and i have to go to work, find another job, and work on miscellaneous things that are supposed to be helping me. so i dont have time to investigate how i feel. if i want to accomplish anything today, i have to put how i feel out of my mind bc its too strong to control.

i dont know how im feeling, why im feeling, what im feeling. i dont understand myself anymore. idk what it is, but whatever it is thats goin on wit me is not good. i wish i kept pretending like i was good because now everyone is constantly asking me how i am. and im so FRUSTRATED bc how can i answer that if i dont even know? how can i answer that in a text, or in a conversation in passing on campus? when i even start thinkin about, how am i really? my chest starts hurting, my heart beats faster, tears well up. im not breakin down in front of you on the Yard or on my way to pick up this little girl from school or on my way to fill out a job application. i wont.

so i just lie and say im fine. or idk. bc really, i dont know and i dont know if ill ever know.

what am i thinking? too much. why do i cry so much? why cant i just be happy, when will i be old deanna who was optimistic and happy? what kinda Christian am i to think the things i think sometimes? do i really have faith? bc if i did, would i feel this way? why do i need touch and words so much and why wont God touch me more when He knows i need it everyday? when He knows that touch wit ppl who dont have that bond i need is useless or not enough? why? why do i hate some ppl and am just now realizing it? this favor ppl tell me i have, why am i too ungrateful to see it? there are ppl worse off than me, so why am i crying? im mad. im so mad. and so sad. and i dont have time to investigate all this bc i need to make money and i need to get better. not worse.

i was told yesterday that i wasnt alone. i know im not alone. God is there, always.

but poor, ungrateful me, i just need to have something physical. my love language is physical touch. and actually, ive experienced Gods touch physically. but its not an everyday thing. and until it is, i am alone. bc i feel alone.

its funny how i will sacrifice myself to be there when people need me. i notice that i sacrifice everything for other people, all the time. even when its not beneficial to me, i am pushed to help. [maybe i should stop that, bc ppl dont do it for me. even when they can help me, if it means being uncomfortable or sacrificing something big, including time, they say no and im left to ask so many others, which i probably wont do bc my next love language is words of affirmation. and what u say, or dont say, is enough to make me withdraw.] and last night was gonna be the same. i was needed, so instead of having time after counseling to myself to process [which i still havnt done], i went straight back to campus. and as soon as my foot stepped on campus, amongst all those ppl, i was alone.

i was walkin towards the library barely able to catch my breath. i knew what was happening. so i walked to the back of the library, sat down on the concrete, and cried. i cried and shook and i would have screamed if so many ppl weren't in the valley. but as it was, i suppressed my scream and just cried out, with my entire body, mind, soul, and spirit. it was involuntary. i tried to stop myself but couldnt.

then i went home.

even now, with ppl texting me, askin how am i, i am alone. i dont know how to explain it to you, and dont say that im not alone bc you are here. whatever. i kno youre there but guess what? even when you are here, i still feel alone therefore i am alone.

i always feel bad. ive been alone for almost all of my life, why should it matter now? ive been taking care of myself, why do i want to be taken care of now, share the burden now?
and i feel guilty. i always feel guilty when ppl do things for me or whatever. i feel guilty for talking about myself instead of you. because really, so much is "going on" with me that id rather hear whats "going on" with you. so much that i dont understand, that maybe i could understand if i talk it out. but talkin it out, hashing it out, with another person takes time. and ppl have lives, lives separate from me. so they dont have time to be about me and my issues.

this therapist. 6 months, 1ce a week. someone who doesnt know me so i wont be able to freely talk until she does. and by the time she does, itll be the end of our time together.

why was i made this way? no, like seriously, i ask myself. bc im just a big series of contradictions.

i was made for intimate relationships. i take on ppls problems, so many ppl turn to me for small things, yet what i yearn for are ppl who give me all of their problems. yet im always wary that if i give out all of what i feel, then whoever wont be able to carry the weight of it and will either leave or collapse.

even when i give a little to someone, they cant even grasp all of wat i give them. they focus on one thing, usually the least pressing for some reason, and run with it

i want too much. i want to be all the way intertwined. like, the closest u can get to someone. i want our minds, souls, hearts, and bodies to intertwine. is that even possible? to know every cell of a person and have the same said about me? that i can understand how u feel and think, be in tune, and then be able to physically wrap myself in u for as long as possible, all the while being able to talk about anything but talkin about nothing comfortably because we already know, and that is ok?

even if it is possible, i dont get to get it. and why? bc im a mess.

does this even make sense? prob not. bc its all just feelings, and even i know that feelings are not reality, just perceptions, uncontrollable, fickle, and not logical.